Friday, May 11, 2001

i'm getting close to critical email mass too, evan...and speaking of email, the peoria people want me to call them on monday...from seattle. honestly? i'm nervous about next year...i have no (zero, nada) funding yet. but do i really want to deal with that kind of a commute for an assistantship? the funding situation is definitely a sign that it's time to go, it's time to move on after next year. but where? my dad asked me tonight what the deal was with my generation having no real vision of where they want to go and what they want to do with their lives. i've told you my theory, right? at least my theory about those of us who grew around here...that we never really made goals for the future because (1) we watched all our parents get divorced (note: mine are still together, which makes me an unusual case) thus we never really believed in the permanence of anything and (2) we grew up in the midst of all that cold war, "who wants to live after the nuclear blast anyway" mumbo-jumbo, which definitely had to have some kind of impact on how we viewed the future...or the possibility of a complete lack of one. i don't really know what it is really but that's my theory. feel free to refute.

i keep coming back to the latest version of the fairy tale dream...the part where i am asked to stay but i feel that i can't. but unlike real life, i know that there's a goal that i am trying to get to, something that i am trying to find...only i don't know what it is. and more importantly i don't know what it is that i am supposed to end in order to get there, to find it. but i know that something must change...but what is it?

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