jerome! i have some great ideas for nanowrimo -- one that i think could be totally cool and, more importantly, doable! :) im me!

driving back, driving back past one of dozens of "fresh oil" signs that have appeared in random locations all over town...something to do with all the construction i guess...i felt lonely...that lonely that you told me that you've felt before too and i missed you...i miss you.

all i could do was just put my clothes back on and walk back out, looking right through, right past anyone i passed by and who knows how i was able drive home from there, to the lab from there, to the airport from there. and we just sat there as the luggage went around the carousel, holding and being held and all we can do is wait and all i can do is wonder how long has this been going on and how much longer will it go on and how much longer i will go on, surrounded by yet another pile of handouts and maybe i should think about distributing them myself, you know? everything must go. and, in time, it will. but i don't think that it's time to go just quite yet.

tornado warning!!!!!!!

oh yeah. i don't believe in tornados.

it's a year later now...and i've realized that i no longer wonder what would have happened had i gotten on that plane that morning, the morning that everything faded to black, and how that would have been just fucking hilarious to be arriving at seatac while he was trying to call. i no longer dream of that emerald city...i no longer have those dreams where i'm wandering around the apartment one last time before i walk away, walking down to broadway...the dream where the cop shakes his head in sorrow and tells me "she has a lovely face" as i pass by and i smile when i realize that she's no longer me.

well, i tried to post something last night but blogger wasn't working right and I HATE when i lose a post. and it was a good post too but my muddled brain can't possibly recreate it at this point.

my heart, my heart racing so fast and i imagine most of you can understand why...to trust, to trust again and how sometimes it makes you feel so scared and raw and open while at the same time you realize that you are finally able to feel again and it's hard to imagine that you ever could again but there it is...your heart...not where you left it before...and that's not such a bad thing.