sometimes out of frustration i think about going to medical school and/or getting another masters, this time in counseling psychology...and then I remember: "physician? heal thyself!"

still...i wonder if i could work through my own demons ...if i wouldn't make a really good doctor...or, probably more realistically, make myself really insane! i've just been reading some doctor's accounts of working in psych wards and have been so livid about "the system." i decided that i needed to read some doctor's accounts while doing research/writing for my novel and they are making me sick.

no...i'm not really serious about going back to school. i'm just frustrated by my own experiences dealing with the system. i'm sure i'd get swallowed up by it and/or fired because i refused to follow the rules...

interesting blog about someone's middle age attempt at med school...

life...passing me by...trying to write, trying to face the demons, trying to stay afloat...reading about others with a mental illness helps, makes me feel like i have friends if that makes any sense...gives me a community of people who have been down the road i've been down and when i read i find myself responding to what they are saying, reshaping it in my own voice.

but it's slow, it's so slow to get back to my "authentic voice" and i wonder what's kept me away for so long...

what's in a name?

it's been many years and i'm surprised googlism is still around. so i checked the listings for my last name, hinn, for some laughs and this time got the following info about it:

• hinn is a kook
• hinn is evidence that there is no god
• hinn is a mystic hindu
• hinn is a 40
• hinn is an american neo
• hinn is either truly crazy or downright evil
• hinn is heavily guarded
• hinn is moving to dallas to be close to the ministry's law firm
• hinn is an impressively slick televangelist operation
• hinn is about as enjoyable for me as listening to someone’s fingernails grate across a blackboard
• hinn is one of the most successful preachers on earth today and arguably the best
• hinn is an admitted necromancer
• hinn is coming to town
• hinn is a 49
• hinn is a spiritual superstar
• hinn is very sincere
• hinn is a well
• hinn is proof of this
• hinn is the poster child for horrendous theology
• hinn is about the best thing since sliced bread 
• hinn is one of those or not
• hinn is empowered by a false spirit
• hinn is teaching heresy
• hinn is coming to auckland
• hinn is a circus freak
• hinn is issued there is a change in the patient's status and the hospital feels that care would be covered
• hinn is president of cove holding

i'm back...i hope

i've forgotten this blog for so long, so damn long and it wasn't until i started writing my first novel that i realized that i haven't been in the practice of writing, that i'd lost my voice in my self-imposed silence...silence out of fear that getting too close to the to truth, getting to deep into my head would bring upon the madness again, the madness that has kept me far away from this place.

fuck the madness.

11 years here on heaven and hell...11 years to reflect on whether or not i've made a positive difference to anyone in this world in any of the many jobs i've had, wearing any of the hats i've worn. and that's a hell of a thing to think about. let's let some NIN/johnny cash in on the conversation...i'll just let the words tell you what i'm feeling, this time without interjecting...i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's realthe needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everythingwhat have i become
my sweetest friend
everyone i know goes away
in the endand you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurti wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repairbeneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
i am still right herewhat have i become
my sweetest friend
everyone i know goes away
in the endand you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurtif i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a wayso much guilt...so much self-hatred...so much wrong...