Saturday, January 31, 2004

nyquil haze and a party next door and meanwhile it's still too cold to step outside and my face feels like it's in a vice grip or maybe it needs to be in one. or something.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

fuck. i hate these hollywood award shows. fucking best foreign language film golden globe went to osama versus goodbye lenin. fuck. fuck. well, at least angels in america won every award in its category...finally something i thought should win did.

Friday, January 23, 2004

ok. so i was super mad when they first came out with this bullshit sounding premenstrual dysphoric disorder as a reason for doctors to hand out scripts for even more prozac. but you know...i'm really sick of fitting the profile of "all or more of the following symptoms." do i win a prize or something? and anyway, why the fuck am i having two or more periods in two weeks? maybe i'm still just having the last one. right. all i know is that i'm stocking up on good english chocolate and cramp meds next month.

i mean can being a woman be any more fucking great? i know...there are those who say that women should "celebrate" this time of renewal, blah, blah, blah. hey, bitch? lemmie try stabbing you in the stomach every minute for three straight days and see what kind of party mood you are in after that. ok, ok...that was way over the line. but try stabbing yourself in the stomach a few times if you'd like to empathize.

Monday, January 19, 2004

after four am and i've been dealing with formatting and re-formatting tables and charts most of the night which had to be done but i hated facing up to them and trying to figure out how to tell a somewhat interesting story or at least one that doesn't me tired before i've finished a single sentence. i'm getting there. at least i don't have the panic attacks that i used to have to deal with that almost forced me to walk away from the data in the first place.

i had a daydream earlier about being back in seattle, taking ferries to all the nearby islands, driving up to vancouver, sitting around and drinking good coffee, GREAT coffee...writing. that's what i want to do. write. create new combinations of narrative media. i'd like to live there again someday because, honestly, it's one of the few places that just felt like "home" to me and i really can't explain why that is...maybe it has something to do with the fairy tale dreams, maybe it's about letting go...maybe, maybe, maybe...who knows? but i've had the dream again recently...you just appeared there, appeared in my dream...but you couldn't hurt me anymore and the sneer you always used to wear was gone from your face. maybe time had done that to you or maybe it was simply what i wanted to see...but i wonder how it had ever crossed my mind that the knife i'd held, the knife that left it's mark on me time and time again, would ever take the hurt away, would ever make me forget...but not just you...not just you...

i cross...and i wonder...did you find what you were looking for, my pained and painted lady?

Saturday, January 17, 2004

i think that there should be a pill created for women to slip into men's drinks to give them instant cramp hell so that they have a full understanding of what the hell we have to put up with, you know? any women chemists out there willing to give that a try? yeah, yeah, i know...seems like the same philosophy as the date rape drugs...so i don't quite buy my own story but it's satire people. deal.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

i'm so freakin' tired today and i'd blame the fact that i had to move the famed fridge out of my old office, past all the rotc boys who said "that sure looks heavy" but didn't budge to open the door, down the elevator where i accidentally kicked the emergency alarm button and talked to the 911 operator who is probably used to that shit by now...i'd blame that but i really think that i just need a nap or speed...or maybe just some coffee. and i can't for the life of me figure out who sent me something by airborne express, nor do i know what it is because they didn't leave it at my door so i guess i'm waiting until tomorrow on figuring out all that. and i saw the smoke on oak street that swallowed up the trees and the cars and the buildings and i wondered if i drove through it, if i'd find some place hidden in there that made more sense?

"isn't he just creepy and weird?"

"uh, i think i left my car lights on, be right back."

Sunday, January 11, 2004

so the v-day plan has reverted back to its original purpose and now i'm thinking that we really need to go to amsterdam and check out the urinal kiosks. seems like it's the only thing left to do at this point.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

i've had a pretty bad headache most of the afternoon from what i suspect was a cross between dealing with stupid walgreens and the fact that it's now -9 billion degrees outside. so i'm allergic to sulfa medications, which knocks out a certain kind of antibiotics for me. well, i saw my doctor yesterday who wanted to see how i'd do on this new drug for cramp time. so i get it filled but this morning, i was reading the warnings section and it says "do not take if allergic to sulfa medications." which ticks me off because (1) it took me four months to see my doctor and that's what he prescribes even though it says on my chart ALLERGIC TO SULFA MEDICATIONS. but the thing that really ticked me off was (2) walgreens who somehow missed the whole THIS PATIENT ALLERGIC TO SULFA MEDICATIONS bit ON the same print out that they gave me that talked about how to take this medicine where i learned that i cannot take the medication. so, uh, shouldn't their computer have beeped and flashed or something when they started filling it? so i go back to see if i can get my money back (we're talking $98 for 30 pills here...and no, they are NOTHING that anyone would want to take) and of course they start on this "well...but there's only about a 30 percent chance that you would go into anaphylactic shock, not everyone that is allergic to sulfa medications goes into anaphylactic shock so you could go ahead and try it." yeah, because a 30 percent chance that you could die is something you want to check out.

shit.

oh but i did get my money back. no, i didn't have to do the fake panic attack act that i had to do to get my november and december paychecks...this time i just used dripping sarcasm and my patented death stare.