hahahahahaha



anyway...back from ann arbor and things don't look good at all but it's not me...this time. after losing so many friends in my 20s to cancer, accidents, strokes, aids, and much, much more...it's weird to revisit it all. hospitals don't scare me...they scare my dad but that has to do more with his psycho mother. i'm not sure death does either. but it seems like there's still so much more to do...and how does one prep to die in a month or two? i'm used to either immediate or long and lingering...not a calendar page or two.

who could see that she'd go in for something seemingly every day and end up way up stage and undergoing chemo? who could know that i could go in feeling heartbroken that the treatment wasn't working to leave knowing that my heart's really broken? why did we all have to grow up? or...maybe that's it. we haven't yet...we were just supposed to and time never did stop.

due to the technology graveyard that is our apartment, the only thing working is the mac mini...through a secondary drive because the mini (oh happy mac) can't see it's own hard drive...rrrr....

anyway...day 20 of 23 of the danazol trial and it would be REALLY AWESOME if the doctor could call back with WHAT THE FUCK i'm supposed to do next...and god...i'm sick of vaginal suppositories. yeah, i blogged vaginal suppositories. fuck you if you have a problem with that. they are gross, the danazol makes me cry 24/7, i feel like i'm losing my mind, that i'm a water retaining sea cow and damn...the last 20 days have felt like 4000. meanwhile...that time of the month...did the danazol work? seems like it takes three or four months until we'll see any difference. uh, i'll be institutionalized by then! expect this month ER spotting to be friday or saturday. rock on.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

yes, i am having a panic attack at the moment...