Tuesday, June 14, 2011

after a while you stop marking the number of days it's been, the number of weeks, months, and even years...since you saw them that last time, the last time. they cease to stay at the forefront...they get shuffled in with the rest...those you lost in your 20s...in your 30s...in your 40s...sleight of hand,
jump off the end.
into a clear lake,
no one around.
you hug yourself closely, tightly and you wish it were them instead. but there's no going back, you can't get those instances back, you can't get them back. and if you could get them back? would you change anything? could you change anything? would you be the same person that assumes that they will be there forever, or at least long past you? could you be anything else, honestly?just dragonflies,
flying to the side.
no one gets hurt,
you're doing nothing wrong.
drink deeply, drink long...the only place you can see them is in dreaming...the only place you can cry is in water so no one wonders...slide your hand,
jump off the end.
the water's clear and innocent.
the water's clear and innocent.
clear and innocent. remember that day?

[thanks to radiohead for the lyrics]

Saturday, June 11, 2011

migraine season is just getting to be too annoying for words. if you go to an ER because the pain threatens to bore a hole in your head (by you), they tell you "well we know it's a migraine. we could give you a ct scan (again with the "i've had so many for so many things that i can be seen in other solar systems"...if it were still "2010," perhaps i could be that "second sun" that emerges at the end of the movie) but we know it's just a migraine. and the only things we can give you, you are allergic to and we can't give you narcotics."

i get so few migraines this bad a year that so WHAT if they give me a shot of a narcotic 4-5 times a year. but NO...in illinois they now shove a sheet of paper in your hands about things you can take there...and get this...HALDOL is on that sheet. yes, haldol...the major antipsychotic tranquilizer that can cause you neurological tics, uncontrollable drooling, and as close to the "thorazine shuffle" as you can get without taking actual thorazine. sure, that would probably make it better...you sure wouldn't remember the migraine. hell, you wouldn't even remember your name...

i'm allergic to, yes, benedryl [sp?], all the triptans (immetrix, etc), neurontin...in fact if the migraine abortant, fioricet, doesn't work for me, i'm screwed. my former go to drug midrin is off the market due to it never going through the FDA's efficacy tests (safety, yes, efficacy, no) because it's like 900 years old and there's SO MUCH efficacy ad hoc tests due to it being used SUCCESSFULLY for 900 years and the FDA didn't even have that as a rule (let alone exist...lol) when it went on the market...but, no, off the market because no one can afford to do the two year efficacy test (the only makers were generics because the patent was LONG gone), which would require it to be taken off the market while the tests were done, and then after that would simply allow all the other generics to manufacture it without paying...and no, we live in the world where they all just won't share cost so that they can all profit share...because there will always be ANOTHER generic that didn't play along to go run it for less....

and...blah, blah, blah, blah...

so i'm just sitting here with my head about to implode and trying to do anything to take my mind off of this because i can't sleep because fioricet has what in it? caffeine. and my head still pounds because it's storming and my head hates that. and i hate that. and i know better than to waste my time at the ER because they are jackasses (and i LOVE going there on a weekend night waiting in the waiting room forever with screaming and laughing drunks who fell and hit their heads while walking and are triaged before me because...well they hit their heads rather than the inside of their heads hitting them over and over and over...

so my choices are...stay up through the pain until i pass out from exhaustion...or go to the ER and get treated like a drug addict because i'm allergic to everything they give on their "list" for migraines...and that's all KINDS of fun...

lecture? or stay here and save the $40 in cab fare? oh as if i'm gonna get a cab at 2:45 am here within 3 hours...

guess i'm staying here.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

yeah, yeah, the song landslide's been used lately on everything from glee to south park (seriously? how does a cartoon character - stan - LEAVE the show? was butters being too much of a diva?)...

but it reminds me of a complicated relationship...that, well, i've had all my life, literally...and one that even seven years of intense psychotherapy couldn't even begin to tease apart...too bad we never thought of this song...i took my love, i took it down
climbed a mountain and i turned around
and i saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down
they wondered what landed me there, what took me to the place that in the end had me running out into the pouring rain as if it were the sun...oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
can the child within my heart rise above?
can i sail through the changing ocean tides?
can i handle the seasons of my life?
the autumn of my life...can i handle this next one? maybe better than i could the others...autumn, the dying season...was always my favorite...the season of my birth...well, i've been afraid of changing
'cause i've built my life around you
but time makes you bolder
even children get older and i'm getting older too
an old friend told me tonight that it's the errors of omission that we carry with us from our parents, our families...the things we needed emotionally that we never got...and, frankly, never will...even if its not too late. as the therapist said "we've gone as far as we can and our time here has come to an end." the trouble is? no one has ever gone far enough...and no one ever will...who can? who can fit that bill when we can't even invoice it ourselves?oh, i'm getting older tooand there's no time for sorry. what would it mean if it was given anyway? the stupidest line in any movie is "love means never having to say you're sorry." love too often means that you can't ever possibly say your sorry. lord knows i've tried. i've tried to say that i'm sorry for all that i've fucked up, all that i am...but they disperse into the air as quickly as they are out of my mouth...a signal that it was all my fault, that it's always been all my fault...and that can't be true...i didn't raise myself. or did i?aw, take my love, take it down
aw, climb a mountain and turn around
and if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
well, the landslide bring it down
and as i said tonight, there are horrors to be found wherever you look in this world...don't talk to me about beauty...not right now. don't be trite. because that's not what i'm talking about...

[thanks to stevie nicks for the lyrics]