Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
moon observations...so you might be thinking "what EXACTLY am i on" to be writing a blog post about the moon but it's for the inquiry-based learning course i'm auditing with my thesis chair, chip...and it seems that the moon has gone missing right now...but i found it years ago on the eve of the czech republic becoming a part of the eu when i was wandering around the city being an internationalist...
inspired by suzhen's answer/question about where the moon lies in our hearts...i took a little diversion myself:
ground control to major tom
take your protein pills and put your helmet on
commencing countdown, engines on
check ignition and may god’s love be with you
you’ve really made the grade
and the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
now it’s time to leave the capsule if you dare
and i always remember that guy -- and there's always that one guy (or girl) -- who went into rehab right after his dissertation defense for his addiction to heroin that started when he began grad school and i wonder how similar these other drugs that i take to stay grounded really are when the pharmacist looks at me and says "oh, the usual, eh?" heroin, after all, was once used as cough syrup...
i’m stepping through the door
and i’m floating in a most peculiar way
and the stars look very different today
am I sitting in a tin can
far above the world
planet earth is blue
and there’s nothing i can do
i’m feeling very still
and i think my spaceship knows which way to go
tell my wife i love her very much (she knows!)
ground control to major tom
your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
can you hear me, major tom?
can you hear me, major tom?
can you hear me, major tom?
can you hear....
am i floating round my tin can
far above the moon
planet earth is blue
and there's nothing I can do
*** 2001/2010, arthur c. clarke
*** lyrics of david bowie's space oddity
anyway, there's a discussion about the moon going on and whether or not we can see it right now...so i'll look for it out on the balcony later tonight...
dissertation time...yet another conference opp that didn't apply to me because i've done my dissertation completely backwards...oh well.
wow. it's been years.
anyway, dammit chip...i now see what you mean about the dissertation as inquiry process though...it's my fucking inquiry that's driving this thing. oy. we're in for a bumpy ride.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
chris was right, steve was right, jesse was right...it IS fucking hilarious looking back to last year...now! the main problem was that they forgot and left a few sober people in the class who went straight to the dean...and me dealing with administrative shit is never an endearing thing...
two people die in separate car accidents. one was your friend and one fucked up your brain and some say both were sinners but that can't be right, that can't be. and i remember marvin telling me after one of my many oh-so-traumatic breakups...if i were straight, i'd marry you in a heartbeat. and i remember driving around in his beat up piece of shit car after rehearsal, after class, after bitching at bk for hours and we'd yell "what the fuck" out the window, toward the drillfield and us laughing about holly's hair catching on fire at that party, the one that jay was at and we realized what the deal was and paul and i going to formals and debbie weirded out by everyone in her life changing and it would have been more fun if marvin had been there...
years later, years later, in the attic finding out about it all and i remember he was the only one becki confided in, back in those days when we were weak but thinking we were strong and i remember her telling me in that grand sitting room at that impossibly posh virginia resort about his husband dying...and i tried to call...i did call...and we were supposed to meet up but he never showed and later i learned that he...
yeah, that's it, that's the end of that story.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
this shouldn't be this hard, right? yeah, that doesn't keep me from wanting to choke the independent coder/transcriber for fucking around with my data since AUGUST when she said that it'd be done before december...and now it's almost the end of february...and she's completed four of the sixteen. at least i have four but dammit...she hasn't done a single competitive dyad and i'm trying to work on my results...
and that's just another fucking excuse. annoying, yes. especially since it's costing me a zillion dollars to hire her out and last time i checked i was working four jobs to pay all my bills. but again...i focus on that shit and then go into shut down mode. and it's like the other ta said when we were huddled in the parking lot...when everything in your brain is already spinning out of control, these things are like a stick poked into a moving bicycle wheel.
so i am going to finish my methods section part one because, please, why exactly am i putting this off? i guess because the data are already collected and something in my brain seems to think that i've already written it...or that it's moved on, i no longer find it amusing, and it must leave now [note: obscure snl deiter reference]. anyway i'm working on it right now, yeah, with another starbucks doubleshot at one side and the pile of homework assignments and quizzes that i need to grade on the other. and i'm listening to my ever-growing dissertation itunes mix...and feeling the high of the manic swing up because who knows when my monthly will actually occur after all that's happened lately...but the pre-period stuff is *supposedly* right around the corner.
and another one of my girls is having trouble in that area...god dammit...i can't solve this one and i'll i can do is identify and empathize...but at least i feel more effective in knowing this kind of advise...i just don't know if i'm useful when dealing with the borderliners...dr. b is right...it was about me, it was about me, it was about me. but why? why the fuck didn't he catch me in the middle of the storm...probably because i wouldn't have listened anyway...
Thursday, February 23, 2006
but in order to further thank neil blender, and follow up on my inquiry on who the hell he is, i'm posting this latest sticker photo with a possibility of finding out who exactly i'm thanking.
i think neil would approve if he is the skateboarding neil blender that keeps coming up on google. and yes, that link is from fecalface.com...ok...
[comment: no, i'm not REALLY suggesting she really is involved with satan...i'm just talking about the looks on her face before, during, and after the short skate.]
project new orleans didn't go over super well last night and i can see why people would be freaked about showing the levee system and the reminder of all the sadness...and i wonder...and maybe i'll bring this topic up at the next inquiry meeting/class/event...when is it too early to talk about sadness and pain? and how can we do that in a socially responsible way that doesn't project an air of well, jeeez...go figure that happened...we set ourselves up for the pain we get. maybe i didn't explain it very well...a link to the displaced...
i didn't understand new orleans until i was in grad school and then it seemed like i was in that city every minute for a conference or a sugar bowl...i feel like i need to take the pilgrimage again...to see it for what it is now, to see how it's trying, despirately to not give up and give in...i need to see new orleans rising up again...rise up...phoenix...rise...
from the warehouse district where we were that night and it merged into the afterparty and it merged into morning and coffee and a hurricaine and jealosy and seeing that part of myself that i can be when i'm through with stiffening up and waiting for the crash...and there i go...there i go around and round and i feel sick and you feel sick but it's all a part of it...greasy spoons and grenades and that damned river and the people staying, standing...we know we're battling impossible odds but that's just the way it is...round and round that restaurant...on the balcony telling that guy that he's doing it all wrong and you can see the ties disappearing...you can see them all taking a chance...for at least that one moment.
and then you come back. you remember where you are. and you, once again, stiffen up and wait for the accident to occur...because you know it will...and at that point you've forgotten everything that the city had to teach you.
blurred cellphone cam shot of my laptop (with this very blog pulled up on screen) and my "i just gave an exam" coffee and brownie...at depresso, you know...the one on sixth and daniels where the moody people hang out, probably made moodier by all the suits from the adminstrative centers that surround us.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
will i succeed? stay tuned. because i'm supposed to answer you here. :|
chip had a good point this morning though. he often makes many good points and one of my earlist posts on this blog is in fact a quote that he wrote back in the very beginnings of this dissertation, uh, journey. ugh. that word "journey" was so boring but i could think of anything else at the moment. anyway, i guess we can call it a journey because it's had enough lost baggage found and rerouted flights and trains and misread directions and listening to people who i thought knew better but then i remember that i've never been very good listening to authority. even in those times where i find that i am the authority. especially those times. and i lie frozen in place and i can't get warm and i can't hide and i can't be found.
so anyway back to the topic...or a topic...i threw out my entire schedule yesterday except the faculty dinner last night -- which was actually quite useful for me surprisingly -- because i knew my students were going to flunk their exam on thursday if i didn't, yes, take a stand and do something to make sure that they knew the material that they needed to know...and so chip and i didn't meet. and i blew off my appt with dr b monday and last thursday...thursday because it was the beginning of the exam nightmare and i talked right through it...monday due to panic attacks. chip emails me back this morning with this:
you show them how to accomplish challenging tasks (like dissertations) and to stay happy doing it. you also have others (research directors, committee members, ...) who care very much for you and your work, so that what you accomplish serves them as well.
and that's it, isn't it, dr. b? all those years of accommodation...that's it, isn't it? i don't know how to be cared about. time to let go, huh?
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Monday, February 20, 2006
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
ah right. cause that's gonna happen.
which american city are you?
your dark exterior masks a caffeine driven activism. you'll take up a cause and you'll get ugly to advance it.
go figure that i scored a "0" on dc...where i grew up. ah seattle. there's gotta be a way to get back without losing my soul completely, right?
Thursday, February 09, 2006
and yesterday he kept telling me, as a side note, that this is my issue, this is my issue, this is my issue...but how can you learn to trust the ones who fail constantly all around you everyday?
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
i've been back and forth on the whole thing. what if i decide to let everyone keep calling me "michelle" after i graduate? is that such a bad thing? i mean there's this weirdness with how close i've gotten to all my undergraduates -- in wimse, in the classes i teach -- that to suddenly say "oh, you'll now refer to me as dr. or prof." would seem disingenuous...is that the word i'm looking for? anyway, it's not that it's weird that i'm so close to so many undergrads...i mean that's the group i care for the most, that i do research on to help make life more gentle on...dr b says that i am the surrogate mother for so many...and maybe that's right in some ways. i'm not a mother replacement but i do think that there are times in which we need to reach out, be human, and not worry so much about this in loco parentis crap that the university wants to avoid at all costs. hey, let's be human...and while we're at it...call me michelle dammit. unless you're an ass. like, say, at the dos office or at the mck pharmacy...then i might say "uh, that's DOCTOR." because those are the people that i think need a reality check.