Wednesday, April 30, 2003

ok so maybe you're hoping for some *dramatic conclusion* updates. so i'm not evicted, i fought it off...oh and i have a ticket to london for july!!!! so tell me your fav places for drinking, eating, and shopping in town. as you know, i spent more time in brighton and cambridge so this will be a fun and funky couple of weeks for me! finally...a vacation.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

it's hard not to feel the anxiety about the forthcoming letter...i mean when exactly is it forthcoming? is she going to send it tomorrow? next week? next year? my brother was right...did i really think it was going to end with my last response? i don't know what i thought really. it makes the dream that i had last week seem even more absurd...the one where we were both talking, talking like you think we would talk, that we should talk...the one where she was genuinely interested in finding out about who i was...the one where every moment mattered?

Monday, April 21, 2003

nina simone...
"...and the books in sanscrit are...over there? with the english translation, of course" ...and the only thing that would have made that statement funnier when we heard it yesterday afternoon at the borders on north prospect would be if he asked for a translation in yet another, say, flemmish.

so my blog is now a day over two years's a day over two years since i was sitting at my kitchen table with my (then) new laptop, with the door shut to my workroom, claire's boxes blocking the way, copies of my resume and notes from my phone interviews with microsoft spread all over, and the balcony smoker who i haven't heard from since last year in an email that i never did reply to probably almost has his m.d. degree unless they finally kicked him out but i doubt there's a god so beware and be warned should you find yourself ill in peoria anytime soon. and it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

allergy time again and i spent 3 1/2 hours at mcKILLme yesterday to get a newer, better prescription for the pain in my face and by the time i was finally seen by the doctor i thought that they might as well just put a bullet in my brain to stop the pain...surely that would have been a more humane ending after making me wait for hours surrounded by a thousand undergrads having SUCH interesting and loud conversations on their cell phones.

Friday, April 11, 2003

alright. so i'm not just going to lay down and die on this whole thing. i mean what the hell, right? i mean i obviously don't have time to move so i might as well just become a giant pain in the ass and refuse to go along with this whole fraud eviction thing. i could tie them up in court for god knows how long, right? life would turn into one giant filibuster but, hey, i'm just not going to be steamrolled on this.

Thursday, April 10, 2003

calm. eerily calm. that's what i said late this morning when i was telling the doctor about how i've been since yesterday. but that's not so true any least not at the present moment...after returning from looking at some of the scariest places in town that are "available now" (conversation sample: uh, what happened to the last tenent? oh i see. they were shot. yeah. ok, i'm not sure this is what i'm looking for)...i feel pretty damn faint right now...what, what, what to do.

Wednesday, April 09, 2003're right. that's not such good news. but it is in a way. i mean i'm so friggin' sick of my rental agency...i won't get into it. you've all undoubtedly heard most of it by now. but fuck...yeah, this is a GREAT time to be looking for a new place to live. oh my fucking god...can this be true? can this really be happening? i mean EVICTED. it's been a long time coming i guess...i mean they've been trying to push me out of here for a couple of years now. i'm trying to extend the "10 day notice" to at least a month because, christ...what the fuck, right?
great news!!! i've been evicted! i'm not lying. i have been evicted.
sitting here at well past midnight, so angry that i want to smash my fist through the wall and then i remember the gash that still hasn't quite healed that jesse has on his arm from the last time he was raging at the machine (literally) and i have to ask myself if i really want any more scars, cuts, bruises on me at the moment. but i get so mad, you know?

so most of you know my play was finally pulled. and in the end i guess it really came down to me...i just decided not to deal with it...not to deal with the bureaucracy, the university bullshit, words cut...not just my words...whole events changed, sanitized...SPEAK OUT...but don't speak the, no that would be bad, that we cannot must be crazy, you must be unstable...speak out, speak out, speak long as we don't have to hear the's a trap, it's a trap, it's a will not set you free.

break.the.silence. just don't break the news to us. just please don't shatter our comfort. let's all just sit back and talk in the abstract, talk as if we really know how things must be because we read an article about it or heard some statistics on it, recoil with horror at the idea of it...but for god's sake...let's not hear the words that come from those who know these things for themselves because then that's when things will become uncomfortable.

break the silence...speak out...just for god's sake just don't tell us about it.

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

my hair is totally in red and black stripes after a two day ordeal and i think it looks pretty damn cool but outside of beckman i think that lucia was having palpitations when she saw it. but secretly i think that she really wants to do something to her hair because she keeps bringing up dying her hair...i mean enough to say that she was going to get a turquoise chunk in her hair if she gets a job offer...or was that a turquoise jumper? my hearing hasn't been so fab this week...i think that i am still recovering from that damn forcefield performance at the mca in chicago.

i thought that i was literally going to die this afternoon from pain though. i mean if i had the tools, i might have just gone ahead and given myself a hysterectomy right then and there. ok ok...over the top.

Saturday, April 05, 2003

at strawberry fields in urbana this afternoon, reading an excerpt from plath's notebooks, my heart aching so much that i could hardly stand it...her words bare and raw and sad...i remembered amy in her towel, sitting on the bed of that hotel in downtown athens, crying and crying...rod with a wet towel on his head, sick from the trip back from heraklion the night before, standing on the balcony with the drifter who asked if we were planning to paint the acropolis before telling us to get a grip already...the time was already slipping by so quickly and we had no idea...and no matter how many years pass by, there she is with us...laughing and carefree and and pained and careless, the old man at the shop at the edge of the bazaar in matala noting that he felt that i was different somehow, watching, watching the world through my pen, and what was it that made me so sad...all of us, deciding everything and nothing, sitting in the dark at the tables outside illuminated by the innkeeper's television showing re-runs of chips in greek...and god what scared me so, what scares me so?