Thursday, January 25, 2007

ok i get it. i've completely fucked up in every way, i was stalin in the last life, i don't deserve healthcare and my own father said that "healthcare isn't for people like you who don't contribute to society" thus not even attempting to help me out, even in the form of a loan at 5 trillion percent interest.

i get it. i get that everyone's job on the whole planet is in jeopardy because i cannot get a simple fucking set of forms through to even get my own job back, i understand that i've let every person possible down because i'm not the superhero i'm supposed to be, i understand that even if i'm living in a box on the street corner that the act of putting in my payroll hours is so trivial compared with how much others suffer more.

i get it. i really, really do. but is it possible to go ahead and let me work on my dissertation for even one day without having to confess all my sins all day, every day or can you at least cut me a little bit of slack on the hail marys? i will pay them back with interest but please...fucking hell please...can i just get one -- i admit completely undeserved -- break just this one time?

Friday, January 19, 2007

so am i a secret bitch? i have no idea what i mean by that but i'm sure it has something to do with the inner rage he says would kill a normal person...yeah, back to that inner rage thing. the thing is i really don't like rules...which has a lot to do with my dissertation...maybe if i figure that out, i'll figure out the bigger issue beyond the game.

i do seethe with rage when i think of the new one and how eerie it is that she's almost a carbon copy of the last one...churn churn...boring. throw me something interesting at least will you? analyzed and determined completely useless at hello.

see? that secret bitch thing...or is it not such a secret? or is it just an easy title to slap on to avoid seeing the real issue behind the color red?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

48 hour test, worth a shot i guess and if jesse can make a move forward then so can i, right? i can do this, right?

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

who do you believe? i mean who do you believe in the end? the person who says, wow, yeah, things are fucked up so let's do this or the person who says i can't believe things are as fucked up as you say so let's do this to see if they are really all that fucked up? then...non-invasive and much less expensive or invasive and much more expensive?

and on another it fucked up to realize that maybe the road is important because if it's not one you really buy into...will the end mean a thing? even if that means letting go?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

i'm tired.

seriously i am. spine out of alignment, stars out of alignment, mind out of alignment, realizing that not leaving isn't the same as staying, wondering if you have to like the road you'll have to take in order to want to arrive at the destination? suicide thesis is the new band in town and there's nothing that can give me comfort, even if it were simply served cold like revenge at the best restaurant in town.

and, finally, he asked "did you ever consider for a moment that it might all be neurological?" to which i replied "did you ever consider that it might not exist?"

Saturday, January 13, 2007

this new google blogger shit is driving me insane. starts back up tuesday so i've got a lot to do still to prep for the classes i teach...and much to do in so many areas...

the study abroad crap is getting there. most of my annoyance is in the amount of work i've had to do on the passport/visa/travel stuff while i was supposed to only be working on the academic side of things. i've realized that my time with wimse is coming to a close, as sad as that may seem. this is it. this is my last semester there as a grad assistant. i have a new boss that starts tuesday, i have to, have to, have to finish no later than august. i want to finish no later than august -- that's the more important part. i'll miss it, no doubt. but it's time to move on. what will they do without me is the question so many ask. i don't know. but i can't believe -- or let myself believe -- that on soooooo many of my job duties someone else couldn't do it. maybe the next person won't have my personality or my same reasons for wanting wimse to grow, change, etc with the times. but it's easy to get yourself in a lull where you are no longer effective, no longer able to see beyond just the day to day demands of the job.

do i think i've made a difference? yeah, i do. but there are so many other things i feel i need to do for me and for others in this life. it's time for me to go. yeah, i can point fingers and make a stand and say "i'm leaving because they are users" or "i'm leaving because they don't value my opinion even though i'm the only one in housings that's in the real trenches of wimse." but really? just as my students move on and must i. so must i. and housing doesn't care if i move on...the university doesn't care...but i must and i do care.

it's time for that next step. as scary as hell as that is. it's time.

Monday, January 08, 2007

it WAS kinda hilarious, actually, to see the lunesta ads that were shown during the breaks between that new grease reality show as if anyone watching were still awake. i mean, i have NEVER watched the whole american idol process but i think it's pretty similar...i mean could they have found MORE boring hosts? now i know what NOT to do during GDC...

heh. speaking the latest game dev mag, there's a picture of me asking my pain in the ass question at last year's game dev challenge in the half of the magazine that is the gdc advertisement. no, that's not the caption -- there's no caption. but if i were to caption it, it'd be something like "i KNEW this was gonna end up on some ad..." it's kind of funny. but cool.

so today dr. b told me that any normal person would have died from the poison from the rage...which reminded me of another dr. b who told me that everything was going to make me a stronger strong do i need to be, exactly?

Thursday, January 04, 2007

what part of "do you have a US passport? if not, are you getting one now or are you in the visa process if you hold another country's passport?" is so damn confusing?

ok, age and experience has a lot to do with my crankiness about this. but it's really, really irritating when, after email 5 on the issue, someone's just now realized "hey, i DON'T have a us passport and/or visa to exit and re-enter the country -- so do i need to do something?" and then someone in a position of power says "oh, you should let students know that they need passports and/or visas." yeah? really? you think so? god, thanks for letting us know! we'd totally forgotten about that...

ahhhhhhhhhh. wake up, wake up, wake up. and i'm talking to myself right now. a little over a week before i have a new boss and i have an awful lot of shit to figure out.
i think this pretty much describes it all...the re-modernist space between places that i've found myself in with regard to how i view myself and how others view me...the abd catch 22 of somehow not being human or alive if you are in grad school...any minute now, my ship is coming in
i'll keep checking the horizon
i'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
come crashing down down down, on me

and you say, "be still my love
open up your heart
let the light shine in"
but don't you understand
i already have a plan
i'm waiting for my real life to begin

when i awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
but in my dreams, i slew the dragon
and down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
i'm walking in my old footsteps, once again

and you say, "just be here now
forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin"
let me throw one more dice
i know that i can win
i'm waiting for my real life to begin

any minute now, my ship is coming in
i’ll keep checking the horizon
and i'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
it's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
it's just that times are lean

and you say, "be still my love
open up your heart, let the light shine in"
don't you understand
i already have a plan
i'm waiting for my real life to begin

on a clear day
i can see, see for a long way
yeah...colin hay of men at work fame...who can it be now?

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

hmm. like someone was reading my mind when they posted their favorite scrubs episode songs and is it just me or does everyone have those once-a-month days where all they do is play songs, watch tv/movies that make them cry? mood-state dependency...

more from finland...

more from finland...
Originally uploaded by vrgrrl.

yeah, you'd think i'd lived in finland or something with the number of pix i have to post from there. this one just kept coming up in my photostream so i thought i'd finally blog it. anyway, i'm wondering if this diy-crafts-arts-technology thing has something to do with that whole re-modernist crap (read: philosophy) i was reading a few weeks ago and the space between places...someone's had to have written about it, right? or maybe i just did.

and wasn't it weird when last night's ep of law and order svu had that quote about unhappy families from anna karenina and it's the book i'm currently reading...although it was a bit *summarized* when they used it...happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own wayword.
so ford's dead and i've realized he has a lot in common with the sad fact that he, too, was appointed least for term one. then, somehow, we elected bush president for term two. maybe we'd have been better off electing ford...wonder how things would have turned know, with that whole hostage crisis thing ending with reagan that showed us exactly when we sold our souls to the republicans...ah well, we can play that game with gore and/or kerry versus bush as well...

but all i can think of is those old SNL skits...not the ones with chevy chase tripping everywhere but the newer older ones where they are working on ford's "death announcement" on cnn and saying things like "president gerald r. ford was mauled to death by bears today..." ok, bad timing and taste BUT seriously cnn had that packaged death montage up in seconds after the announcement...

oh yeah, it's the new year. i should make some coffee. and have a shower. also, why is it so cold in here? is my body temp really 97.4? and why exactly do i not write about the architecture dreams...