Monday, February 27, 2006

give me my romeo; and, when he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun.*

moon you might be thinking "what EXACTLY am i on" to be writing a blog post about the moon but it's for the inquiry-based learning course i'm auditing with my thesis chair, chip...and it seems that the moon has gone missing right now...but i found it years ago on the eve of the czech republic becoming a part of the eu when i was wandering around the city being an internationalist...

inspired by suzhen's answer/question about where the moon lies in our hearts...i took a little diversion myself:ground control to major tom
ground control to major tom
take your protein pills and put your helmet on
every morning i wake up and take my regimented pill allotment in order to stay on this planet and avoid the mania and the extreme lows as best as i can...better living through chemistry, they say...or do they? it took years and years before i gave brave new world a try and now i wonder if i'll ever truely be free of it. one side of my brain tells me that it's no different than a diabetic and their insulin. but then i remember the insulin shock treatments that they used to give to patients in asylums and i'm amazed that we're all still around...and i wonder what things they'll be looking back at in 50 years when they figure out that we're all, now, doing things all wrong? the evolution of the science of medicine...when are our inquiries possibly harmful and how can we ever know?ground control to major tom
commencing countdown, engines on
check ignition and may god’s love be with you
the inquiry into god...where exactly do we go after this, raised without religion, and i wonder how one could ever choose a relgion when they weren't raised in one...not so much if we can change religions but more of the idea that, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, lift-offthis is ground control to major tom
you’ve really made the grade
and the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
now it’s time to leave the capsule if you dare
it's been suggested that there was more to bowie's story than space exploration (the song was first released in 1969 to coincide with man's landing on the moon), that maybe it had a little more to do with his addiction to drugs around that time than space itself.

and i always remember that guy -- and there's always that one guy (or girl) -- who went into rehab right after his dissertation defense for his addiction to heroin that started when he began grad school and i wonder how similar these other drugs that i take to stay grounded really are when the pharmacist looks at me and says "oh, the usual, eh?" heroin, after all, was once used as cough syrup...this is major tom to ground control
i’m stepping through the door
and i’m floating in a most peculiar way
and the stars look very different today
i worried and i worry how much all of these things effect (or do i mean affect?) me...i wondered and i wonder how much i've changed and there are some days that i think i'm more in touch with my mood shifts than i was before the stabilizers entered the picture and i think that maybe it's freed me to take more challenges and walk around countries where the languages look mostly like pictures and i miss those conversations with complete strangers on a train, looking at a map...inquiring into what is different and why that might be...and admitting to others that my inquiry goes on and goes on in some very humbling ways...i.e., googling toilet+"how to use"+taiwan...but then i find strange comfort in how others broadcast their own inquiries into the more humbling things in lifefor here
am I sitting in a tin can
far above the world
planet earth is blue
and there’s nothing i can do
and i know that even if i spent the next 500 hours sitting with a resident in the hospital that there still might be nothing i can do...and then i remember the conversation the other day that had me wondering why the other knew so much about the way to die and i wondered why i knew why she was correct...the inquiry into death and dying, the hallmark of the depressed and recovering depressives, the kind of sick club that somehow tells us that maybe we aren't alone and maybe we should stick around and see where things take change and be changed...though i’m past one hundred thousand miles
i’m feeling very still
and i think my spaceship knows which way to go
tell my wife i love her very much (she knows!)
ground control to major tom
your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
can you hear me, major tom?
can you hear me, major tom?
can you hear me, major tom?
can you hear....
we miss hearing the one's closest to us and sometimes we think we hear the voices of the one's who have moved on and i wonder if they see the moon that we can't find right now and i wonder so many things about why i can't talk about the deeper inquiries about the painful things with the ones closest to me but i find voice on this blog...but to what audience? some i know, some i'm close with...but the ones i write to don't see this and i think what if they did? would they understand? would they?here
am i floating round my tin can
far above the moon
planet earth is blue
and there's nothing I can do
bowie's -- who was influenced by and an influence to german musicians -- song "space oddity"*** eventually spawned a remake by german peter schilling suggesting that maybe major tom wasn't really lost in space...but was instead...home...and maybe that's where we come from before this life...and where we go's full of stars...** romeo and juliet, william shakespeare
*** 2001/2010, arthur c. clarke
*** lyrics of david bowie's space oddity

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