it can be a sad life sometimes...if you decide to live it, stick it through. it was hard today to not give too much away, to say that i was scared too, and that i have no idea why it has to be this way.

mr jones was just a little too funky today and i spent the day not doing, avoiding...remembering that i needed to bring the irb revision back and hand it to the autocrat...and then i checked my email while waiting for four hours for no one to show and i saw that they had tried to call my mobile, i saw that they needed to get in touch with me and something was wrong, something was very wrong and it was under my social security number and not my university id because i'm in the old system but i try to be new, i try to stay new...

and i didn't really have anything to say tonight, anything that i wanted to say.

but it's back. and i missed the signs. and i want to shout at the moon and scream out in anger and pain and throw and break things and i saw her pass by in the hall and i think "do you know? do you even know?" and i think of the tests and the money and the gowns i've worn far more recently than the type with caps and tassels...and i think, yeah, how exactly am i still losing weight? and i stay up, i yell about yelling, and let people make giant messes and i think that i won't die trying...trying...not finishing.

and i walk back to the car. and i come home and he's asleep and i knew it was getting late...but i didn't want to think anymore. me. all day. don't think, avoid. and the call...back to the call...and they said before they knew for sure, i needed more tests.

because there's always more tests. even when i'm waiting for other tests to arrive that show up late. and i wonder how much longer i have? at some point i'll have the final in my hands...