Sunday, June 18, 2006

madness? yes. brilliance? maybe.

depakote er 500
Originally uploaded by vrgrrl.
maybe it sounds cocky to bring up the the icarus project when you, yourself, are bipolar. thanks to having to briefly stop medications before my surgery in april i have been struggling with wildly swinging mixed episodes and i've been trying to get things back under it mania or situational mania as an escapist response, an avoidance? after a while, does it matter?

i've always been scared about the mania...the lack of some kind of grounding in reality, things forgotten, and how my head feels like completely exploding...the extreme hyperfocus coupled with the the extreme multifocus. so i tap it down, drown it out...hope for the best. but more scary...the worst is the second floor where nothing happens at all...the blank world. the second worst is the depression crash down four i'd prefer to live on the 3rd floor when i can...but even that has it's hair pulling out problems. like now, when i'm wrestling with strange philosphical ways of being and seeing and i need someone to talk to every day about this. so i talk to you.

i know that this blog seems dangerous. you worry about how much i say, what reprecussions that might bring. does it matter? sure, maybe i'll never be tapped for that national security agency job...but i've already done enough in this life to make sure that NEVER EVER happens. thank god.

feed your head.

No comments: