Monday, June 12, 2006

how exactly do we get to the zest?

zest of lemon
Originally uploaded by vrgrrl.
so i feel the need to write about this because i've realized that 4 years have passed by. yeah, other amounts of time have also passed by. but i have an event that is very specific in mind.

i had to make a choice. live or die. it was that simple and it was that complex all at once. after hardly eating for weeks, not being able to leave the house, hardly being able to get out of bed...i had to take a gamble one way or another. either end everything right now or pick up the phone.

i wish that i could say that that was it. just call the health center, come in somehow, leave it up to them, and then i'd be fixed up and ready to go. i was ready to leave the sad girl behind, slap a sticker on my ass that said "sponsored by eli lilly," and join in the stepford brigade (that term was soooo much better before the latest remake of the movie). i was at the end, after all...did it matter any more if the meds made me some altogether different person, destroyed the sad girl that was a part of who i was? because let's not deny it...if she were gone, there'd go my empathy, my feelings of outrage when the world sucks ass, my late night crazy philosophical wanderings.

but i didn't care anymore. for years and years i'd been telling myself that taking meds would mean killing off who i am and that i'd be changed forever. and what if i didn't like that other "new" person. they kept saying that it would be "you, only better" and wtf did that mean? but when you you smack yourself out of catatonic depression enough to realize that you could, indeed, just die or you could try to live as someone else...when you've finally found rock bottom...what would it hurt to try and take something that will at least make you go through some kind of instant reincarnation?

yeah right. instant reincarnation. the truth is that it takes weeks and months and different types of meds and dosages and it makes you wish that thorazine was over the counter because it's all not working fast enough...but the thing was that i wasn't really all that changed after all was said and done. fuck yeah, even now i have days where my brain only wants to sit around and point out my flaws, i have days where i can't get out of bed, i have days where (at least in my mind) it seems that it would be easier for everyone if i wasn't around.

but it's not. i guess after her boyfriend committed suicide last month and she said "he was my everything" it started to dawn on me that it's not really an act that no really notices. maybe it seems better to unburden the world of you, maybe it's altruistic? maybe you are somehow saving the world by pulling yourself out of the running...nature...nurture...whose side are you on?

so i'm telling you this because i do get it. i get that the sad girl comes with the package deal. but the sad girl makes you notice when she's left the room, even if it's only for a moment. the sad girl makes you see the things others miss, forces you to confront it. the sad girl covers the angry girl and vice versa and, yeah, i'm still trying to pull them apart but without them...i don't really know who i'd be. i guess all i'm trying to say is that you aren't really fact, you are another member of our club. i wish that wasn't the case but since it is, i'm glad you are here too. because you know what it's like, because you DO get it, because now we're all a little less alone in the dark wood.

1 comment:

Mo said...

motherfucking it should be a club.
but then again, we would all be pushing to leave the club just to be happy or... something. but of course you dont want to be the only one in the club. because thats even worse. or what it used to feel like.

i definetly feel wayyyy better than i have in this past year... i finally have all the work i did working for ME. i got this great job, am getting great money, am living with a great family, hang out with great friends.

its just that. i guess i have trust issues... not i guess, i completely do. i feel like i have to divide myself just to get approval?

it was a few things... a friend i had in jr high who made me feel like shit a lot, but the fact that she wanted to hang out with me was the part i liked.

also, in jr high, a few of my friends were depressed. one was just like me, afraid to ever say anything. it was because of this other friend, who, when depressed, had the balls to just cry and demand attention. it got really annoying when we werent really sure if she was actually depressed or not or just trying to get attention. because she now admits that she did that... it was awful because it would ruin the day and i NEVER EVER wanted to be that person so i just never ever said anything.

and i mean, ive written about the sad girl in my live journal and mentioned the fact that ive blocked things out from last year because i was so sad, but i always said it with this tone that must have sounded like i didnt want to talk about it anymore..

the biggest thing i took from group was this: you show people how to treat you.
i felt like this was crap for a long long time because ive tried to be exteremly caring and would go out of the way for my friends all the time, but i got disappointed when they wouldnt do it for me.
but. i know that theres no amount of hints that i can drop that i was depressed that will make her ask me how i am and me respond honestly. the only way i can get us to talk about it is to bring it up but its always such a downer and... what do i want to say about it anyway?

..guh its like the times when im lying in bed alone at night and i just want to call someone. my friends have told me plenty of times that i can call them if i need to.. but its just like... what would i say? what DO i need? my friendships are such that we can go into comfortable silences but i dont want to do that over the phone. and i dont actually believe that anyone will come over in the middle of the night if i ask them... even if i have for maddie, shes in chambana and cant come to see me whenever.

gah im at work right now so i think ill write some more when i get home.