yeah, not a lot of blogging action this year...i'm not sure why though. am i just bored with this now? i'm not even keeping a journal very well either (you know...the old school paper kind). yet...there's so much to write about, it's scary.

we went to the ER tonight. i left for the ER around 5:45 after ending class early because i was in so much fucking pain it was insane. and they were nice to me...and i couldn't believe it after how much shit i've been going through. too personal to post (i know...too personal for me even) but something needed to be said...not sure i said enough but oh well. if you don't know...you don't know. no big deal. don't worry yourself about it.

i've hurt a lot of people this year. not on purpose. but when i get cycles in my life that are bottomless pits, i shove people away. is this my being protective of them, not willing to let them fall too? or what?

i laughed today when i showed a flier for class because it was already posted all over the room (i swear that someone searches me out to leave fliers in my classroom because these classes and gaming nights have nothing to do with any other class but my game design class. whatever. anyway, it was a little exercise in truth in advertising...it seemed to my class that reading the "playing games for science" read like "just play civ 4 and that's all." but the truth was in the other flier...the part where it was "what the class was actually covering." then my students felt a bit cheated or tricked...i mean what "game researchers group" here? there is my class that covers design. then there are a couple other classes that graze in the games pastures but aren't based in the real practice of making games. and that's insane.

anyway, my class will be offered as a CS class (no CRN yet so don't ask!) rather than a LIS class. LIS, i think, is pretty much done with me...not unlike my own department. but whatever...there are too many real things to get upset about and if people don't want to let me in on their reindeer games...i'll make up my own and get other people for my games.

btw, i'm really proud of my class this semester. they are a good group of students -- i don't know why but i do really like teaching undergrads...i mean why wouldn't you? but so many don't because they see them as "dull" or "stupid" (yes those words) but i don't at all. these are just kids trying to get as much out of college as they can in whatever direction(s) they decide to go in. and if i can help some of them by passing along what i know in a meaningful way, i feel good about it. it's the academic circle. teach your passion. show others the way to find their own.

i am so fucking tired it's unbelievable. this conference took way more time and money than i thought and thank god for our patron or i'd be total dead meat. that doesn't mean that i don't need to cover an extra two grand. at what point did i decide that making money was a bad idea?

you know...if i had to compare...this is worse than crunch time at MS games and hey, it's great of a certain 4 lettered org to really be helping me out right now...i mean seriously...i wouldn't have put their name on our booth title AT ALL if i'd known that they were going to stop returning phone calls and email. my hate list is growing every day.

i have to say...i'm in love with chanel no. 19. so ok, that wasn't a super important thing to report on. or is it?

ok so most (none?) of you know that i'm headed to LA around this time next month (which is fantastic...considering it's going to directly coincide with next month's time o' the month...fuck...more on that in a bit). anyway, set up for the show is on the 17th, i'm hoping to catch up with some friends on the 16th, shop a little (i'll buy my bday present for ME out there because, of course, there will be an AP near the hotel and i cannot WAIT to see what the have in store, especially since they have been unbelievably slow about posting the new collection on their new website (which is not firefox friendly...) and you all know that i'm an AP girl through and through since i was first introduced to it in london). yes, i have spent way too much on lingerie for myself -- and if you think victoria's secret is pricey...VS's secret is that they only WISH they could be AP because AP is high quality and amazing. seriously...every girl should have killer knickers...i wish that they had a charity or something because i'd donate to it. no, i don't think underwear is the most important thing ever. but there is something to be said about how it can make you feel when you are otherwise feeling like 100% crap.

anyway...now that i have gone on and on about that particular subject...back to LA. so, yeah, i'm going to the LA store. but the question is...do i get a tat while i'm there and if so should i get it from kat's store? ok, considering how sick i get...a tat probably isn't a super smart idea. that and is there anything that i want on me for, uh, the rest of my life (even with removal treatments, scarring remains). i've thought about a bar code...and that's about as far as i've gotten. well, besides my famous tree drawing...but i don't want a tattoo of it on me i've decided. i dunno. so maybe i'll come back with a tat...maybe i won't. but i will have something AP and undoubtedly a mega ton of tshirts from the convention, which i'll promptly give away to my students because, hell, i think our floor would collapse if i brought in any more gamer t-shirts.

but...anyway, the whole time of the month thing: today i was informed that mcKILLme would no longer treat me for endometriosis because i am not compliant with anything but pain killers (duh...all other solutions cause me to stroke out...i know...we've tried). but anyway my regular doc wasn't there so i saw this new bitch doctor (no, i didn't mean to say witch doctor) who practically called the cops on me to show that she means business when she says no painkillers. i've honestly never wished endo on anyone...but i sure would like to wish a month of it on people like her who seem to think because THEY don't feel like killing themselves to get away from the pain that no one ever feels more than an advil's worth of pain meds.

ugh. same old, same old. this is getting rather boring isn't it? i know i'm totally bored by having to go to the doctor every fucking month for a day's worth of medicine that i have to go through uber-discussion about each and every time. maybe it's good that it'll fall on the days i'm at e for all -- i can sure do a mean demo of a person in extreme pain...they need to make "trauma center: obgyn" i do believe...

yeah i know. i haven't been good about posting stuff in a reallllly long time. school's started, i started with some super fun in the hospital (i'm ok now)...i'm teaching a class that will probably get me fired (but, damn...i'd rather go out with a whole load of controversy. :) oh what's the class on? game design...with subthemes of sex and disability accessibility. maybe that doesn't seem all that crazy but we are in the midwest and...well the field trip i have planned is a little nuts. more later if i'm fired.

school's back in session and it's always hard for me to really feel like it's a school year until it's some time in october and it's not 100+ outside with 1000% humidity and you feel like you are going to pass out at any minute.

oh...i have so much work to do and i need a vacation badly so hopefully i'll get to experience something that feels like a vacation while at the austin game dev conf in a week? and october scares me because thanks to timing...i'm likely to be at my worst and given how bad things are right now...yeesh. maybe they could just hook me up to a morphine pump?

i cannot remember a more fucked up summer.

hahahahahaha



anyway...back from ann arbor and things don't look good at all but it's not me...this time. after losing so many friends in my 20s to cancer, accidents, strokes, aids, and much, much more...it's weird to revisit it all. hospitals don't scare me...they scare my dad but that has to do more with his psycho mother. i'm not sure death does either. but it seems like there's still so much more to do...and how does one prep to die in a month or two? i'm used to either immediate or long and lingering...not a calendar page or two.

who could see that she'd go in for something seemingly every day and end up way up stage and undergoing chemo? who could know that i could go in feeling heartbroken that the treatment wasn't working to leave knowing that my heart's really broken? why did we all have to grow up? or...maybe that's it. we haven't yet...we were just supposed to and time never did stop.

due to the technology graveyard that is our apartment, the only thing working is the mac mini...through a secondary drive because the mini (oh happy mac) can't see it's own hard drive...rrrr....

anyway...day 20 of 23 of the danazol trial and it would be REALLY AWESOME if the doctor could call back with WHAT THE FUCK i'm supposed to do next...and god...i'm sick of vaginal suppositories. yeah, i blogged vaginal suppositories. fuck you if you have a problem with that. they are gross, the danazol makes me cry 24/7, i feel like i'm losing my mind, that i'm a water retaining sea cow and damn...the last 20 days have felt like 4000. meanwhile...that time of the month...did the danazol work? seems like it takes three or four months until we'll see any difference. uh, i'll be institutionalized by then! expect this month ER spotting to be friday or saturday. rock on.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

yes, i am having a panic attack at the moment...

almost a month passed by and so much has changed and the danazol makes me cry 30 times a day and i feel like may was the biggest waste of time ever -- obviously...no blogging here at all. i did some blogging over at terra nova and that was pretty much a disaster. then who knows where the panic attacks came from...and then i feel like i don't have a right to really say anything because well, shit, compared to that...

if i lay here...
if i just lay here...
would you lie with me and just forget the world?

too much to write but i've landed on a good idea...to pretend that i'm giving the long form of my accessibility talk and write it down as is...dissertation by powerpoint...something like that. at any rate...i'm writing at least.

i think i forgot to say that it was the 6th anniversary of my blog recently, which is even more depressing when you think back to all the years...but i can't think of that now...i can't, i can't...because if i do, i'll get stuck back there trying to figure out what doesn't even matter any more...and...after a while...it gets old.

i realized that i have one more thing to do at my old job before it's really done and done and i just hope that she hangs on...

it's hard to know what to say about last week other than to think that it was not really real and to remember thinking that each day took about a week to get through. and this week? kidney infection #3 -- third in three months -- and i'm wondering what the fuck is up with that, should i be worried, etc etc etc. so this is the THIRD antibiotic i've been on to try to clear this up and this one is nastier and stronger than the last...it's hard not to start freaking out about antibiotic resistance...and the fact that this one was prescribed without any idea if it was going to work because the culture takes two days to grow (is there no way of speeding that up? can i bring it to c's lab?).

so i'm going to take a nap now but i wrote everything down on a piece of paper just in case i get too sick to remember it.

local abc news caught me at the office earlier when i was pretty much there solely to avoid hearing any more of the news of vt...by that time it was just the same endless loop over and over and over again...i never bothered to watch the news...who cares if i was on it or not. i was simply their "local perspective/wow there's someone in this town who went to VT" go-to girl and i've gotta say...i'm really, really getting sick of the media.

so speaking of, i get this email from this comm prof here who decides that today's the day he's going to say that while the media was covering VT, there was a much more sinister plot in the making about some postal tax increase, "big media" crap, the government are a bunch of crack head whores. no, the prof didn't say that last bit but it was such a stupidly timed email by this guy that, yeah, bipolar superhero woman reacts by emailing him back and saying "you know...you are in JUST as bad taste as the right wing media who are taking advantage of the VT thing...you just did the same fucking thing on the left side...shame on you." and then i thought about why i was probably on his mailing list and i'm sure that any second now someone else from that department is going to say something "profound." i can hardly wait.

they are covering it still on the news, all night, all night and i woke up remembering the classes i had in norris and i remembered you all of the sudden...when we'd run out of class...off to drive around the drill field again, young and both still alive...i've heard from so many these last 24 hours but i know i won't hear from you and i'm wondering what you must be thinking about all this...what all of you who are "you" must be thinking about all this...

and aj...interesting that you are a part of the collective "you" with the same name...i heard from them, from all of them, those who are our children now...they must be our children...and the kids are alright. but they are scared and lost...more so than we ever were...

perhaps. i don't know. i don't know if it's fair to compare the surreal with the unreal...or know which is which.

ut prosim...that i may serve...

oh yeah...i was in an article in the chicago tribune the other day (if you can't access it with the link, search with my last name and avoid the articles about the "hinn" that isn't my relative who is apparently getting medical treatment somewhere in south africa and is getting flack for it...not sure why but i don't care that much to add any more to the story in my brain or on the blog).

and even my doctor was surprised to find out that pain clinics don't treat pain...

maybe the way this was all supposed to work was because we were in the same situation in so many ways and were the only ones who really could relate to it and neither expected anything from it...it always reminds me of that book, age of innocence...only this time it takes place later, much later...and none were wayward stations...

attention non-us readers -- do you know of any health clinics in your country that uses RU-486 for non-abortion uses? there are many studies that suggest that the RU-486 in low dosages can be a miracle for people like me with endometriosis. but...thanks to this damn country's puritan laws, we can hardly get it for abortion and you literally have to be dying (with "end of life" date on the books) to use it off-label and only for things like ovarian cancer.

anyway...let me know if you know of anything.

i ran into s at mckinley and i told her that whatever she chooses to do, do NOT feel that you'd be letting me down if you took the job...i hate the madness, the mad world...all around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces
bright and early for their daily races
going nowhere, going nowhere
and their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression, no expression
hide my head i want to drown my sorrow
no tomorrow, no tomorrow
and I find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which i'm dying
are the best I've ever had
i find it hard to tell you
'cos i find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it's a very, very
mad world
children waiting for the day they feel good
happy birthday, happy birthday
made to feel the way that every child should
sit and listen, sit and listen
went to school and i was very nervous
no one knew me, no one knew me
hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
look right through me, look right through me...i'm not sure how many lives have been saved and lost but this play is over for me...it makes no difference what the spin is, really...it doesn't...for once in my life i know that i made an impact and the ones who couldn't dare to stay an extra hour even when it literally made the difference between life and death...well, they lost what they never knew they had...it was easier to let me go than to admit that their house of cards was falling down around them.

i'm supposed to meet up with them to talk about everything that i know...but i think even if i did that...it wouldn't matter...because they can't hear it...they just can't hear it...

i can't get used to the idea that after the break is over, i'll still be on break...because i've been terminated, sacked, fired, and so forth. the thing that makes me the most sad is that i'd wanted to go out with some dignity, with some kind of "hey, thanks for all that time and all those things." it would have meant a lot to me. but it's not going to happen...burn out rather than fade away.

i can't take the sting any more and there's no one who really understands...i mean understand my life, know my life and know how much it depresses me. the world is ugly and cold so often and it'd hard not to blame yourself, it's hard to bear it. but all i can do is move, keeping moving and maybe it will stop hurting in time...until the next time.

right about now the londoners are getting ready to visit IBM, which took forever and a day to set up. it's true...i would have been in bed 24/7 had i gone on the trip but what can you do? and i have only a couple more days to move out of my office...wheeeeeee!

and it's 3:30am and i'm awake.

the main trouble is that i'm starting to lose my faith in the world...not that i really had a lot but i'd thought that i'd found some pockets of humanity only to see it turn around and hit me in the face...cold hard slap to remind me that things are often an illusion and the ones you trust the most can be the first to strike you down.

no, i'm not just talking about all the ugliness going on with wimse, with the sig...it seems that once one thing falls, everything falls...and anything that you had to look forward to is suddenly gone. i can feel it all crashing down and i don't know how to stop it or even if i should in some cases. greed is all around and in surprising directions and i sometimes can't believe that people even wonder why i never like to see myself in the media and why i sometimes wish i could just disappear. and then i see the comparisons to my mother and remember how my father is so ashamed of me because he sees me as useless...and it's hard not to believe it all when it matches how you feel inside, no matter how much work you've done to try and think of things and reasons why you can't believe that only the negative is true. but when someone doesn't know you...they can wound you without truly knowing what they've done.

i know...it's a downer of a post. but it's been a downer of a month with only one exception and there's no place on the map to locate you...

t-minus any minute now for the next episode of ER...reality edition. nausea, doubled over in pain...get some food into me now now now...i wrote a letter for the ER staff because i'm sick of saying the same thing every month. maybe they'll read it. maybe they'll see that i'm not a completely worthless piece of shit like they usually do...

sigh.

and now you too...

i just need to go away for a little while. i don't know where to. just away. get on a train to somewhere, get on a plane...somewhere. because i can't see which way the surface is anymore...

i should just shut up and disappear for a little while. just disappear. will i ever find my way out? don't answer that. i shouldn't ask anymore...

back in the office...

today or tomorrow I get to go to the er...but for now...write write write ...

so i just walked to starbucks from my office and got the usual cappuccino and cupcake breakfast/lunch and i've been processing things and it seems that it might be quite possible that i have a serious reason for traveling back and forth between ireland and here in the fall but that's almost hilarious at this point considering how many things have imploded lately. actually...how many things have imploded this week in particular.

but...i ended up being able to see the positive from gdc, despite the focus on the negative. you know...we really did put ourselves out there this year. we went for broke and it seems that we're gearing up to do that again next year. exciting things are in the works. too bad things had to go crazy before i could announce them but whatever. now we know who would hang us out to dry before we got too far in. or at least hang me out to dry. but...whatever.

ugh...but this morning i was asked why i was wearing perfume all of the sudden...i used to...before...so now i am again.

hahahahaha...illinois? YOU SUCK!!!!!! hahahahahaha! VTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVT!!! VT JUST SPANKED YOUR WORTHLESS ASSES...IN BASKETBALL! SUCK IT! Especially YOU, UIUC Administration!!!! ROT IN HELL!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

HAHA Weeeeeeeee....

Yeah, time to bring out the meds...

the pain starts again, just as i predicted. i knew it was coming up, i knew a week ago that the change was coming again. live through this. i know. if i can live through the next few days of excruciating pain then it will break again. i don't know how many more times i can do this but i guess it's safe to say that i know that if i can just get past it...it will go away again...for at least a short while...until next month.

i'm not sure why this week went the way it did. i was supposed to teach a class in london starting tomorrow and now i'm out because housing didn't feel comfortable with my going and knowing that i needed to go to hospital during the trip. the sad, sad thing is that if i had only made it to london...for at least this week i'd have health insurance. something i haven't had in, wow, almost 9 months.

i'm in debt. and by a lot. $20k all in medical bills that have gone to collection. but i said all that in the last post. forgive me. i'm just starting to realize that it's really real. i've been fired from one job and my last day on my other job is may 19th. after that...i don't know. i'd say well at least i have the sig to help me through it but...nothing is certain. i know i have good friends there -- regardless and up to the administration. well, so be it. i'd rather play the walk on role in the war then play the lead role in a cage...

how i wish you were here.

any minute now and i'll need to go in for the monthly shot now that it's started again. c said that i woke him up last night to say "oh my god! virginia tech is playing illinois in basketball this friday!!!! my undergrad versus grad school!!!!" which is hilarious if you consider how much i hate both places and then after he told me this morning i said "whoa...you know dr. b's gonna say...evil parent versus evil parent."

so london's been axed courtesy of housing and the worst of it would be that if i could have only made it to london, i'd been covered by UIUC travel insurance...the first time i've been insured in nine months. and i owe over $20 grand now and...it's gone to collection. so good luck, me, in ever seeing a decent credit report score...ever.

so i have to figure this all out and everything's a mess and i wish people would leave me alone for just one fucking second so i can breathe...and sort all this out.

and i miss you more than you could ever know.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i'm going to kill the universe right now.

exhausted. attacked.

i know a lot of it is my stuff, as dr. b says. but on the other hand...what the fuck? my right arm is sprained, my kidneys are on fire, i can't wake up to save my life...and when i do for a few minutes it's only to awake to a whole slew of crap from all directions. how the FUCK am i going to live through london? god...at least it feels like home. and i hope you cry when you get there.

1, 3...stab with running start...2...slow injection, pain and the advise to get a regular doctor: "i'd suggest looking into getting a regular obgyn if this pain keeps happening every month." yeah? i'd suggest getting a new job. out of town is no longer an option and everything's turned into a great big theatre of the absurd with plastic bag licking ladies at the pharmacy, extended families in the waiting room with snacks for everyone, and my chart's been flagged obviously and we laughed when you mentioned the obgyn because it was too long a story and you didn't want to hear it anyway.

and facebook remains completely unbelievable and now scholars face lawsuits and when the fuck did we lose our right to free speech?

but the chief is dead...and this article is classic...oh it's funny when reunions occur in the strangest places. now if i can only convince people to stop being martyrs, life would be good. well, it would be mediocre.

snow blocking my door...fucking winter...

pin cushion

that's what i am every week, only i do it voluntarily...

work

wtf, i was there past midnight friday to arrive early saturday to see the door window smashed in an it turns out it was a homeless man they arrested for trying to enter because it is unfuckingbelievably cold out and, you know, who could really get all that mad? it just sucks ass that we don't have any super great shelters...or even enough shelters...

Whenever I hear the word “dissertation” I think “expertise,” whether that is right or wrong (does it matter?). I’ve struggled for a long while now as to how to fit a dissertation – a dissertation that was in my own voice, that was focused on something that I felt that I had a handle on or, god, even just barely hanging on to – into a gaming/ludology literature that is constantly shifting and evolving and I think I finally have the answer to where it fits. It does not. (p.s.: did I mean to say where “I” fit?) There must be a comfortable sense of place that comes with knowing your place, knowing exactly where what you do fits in when there seems to be a polarization, a way of thinking in terms purely colored in black or white. If we are to believe the headlines either video games will save or destroy us all: There is no middle ground. Each side, desperate to disprove the other, moves slowly to either side of the dance floor with every research study conducted.

But I can’t find my way there to either side and I give up. I thought, at first, that I’d tell this wonderful story, this insightful narrative on how people offer help, ask for help, and accept help in a gaming environment (see how good video games are for us?). But I’m not going to. Not really. Every word I type feels like both a liberation and betrayal of my self and I’m not comfortable telling you that and that’s exactly why I keep writing. I need to move on, I need to move forward and this is the only way not out but in.

I’d like to offer you an invitation to the dance. Or at least the dance I’m at. I’d like to give you a chance to see what I see, even if we’re spinning on the dance floor, losing our footing, or we end up motion sick and vomiting into a trashcan in the corner of the room. I won’t lie to you. It’s not an easy or a comfortable place to be and it may cause a false sense of wellbeing or bring about suicidal thoughts (as the label on most any psychotropic medication will tell you). But let’s stay here for a while, at least until the sun comes back up (will it?) and we’ll sit on the shore and pass that bottle of whiskey back and forth until we all agree that this was the best idea anyone’s come up with in the last five minutes. Whatever it was.

christ.

at some point, can something, anything be forgiven? i feel like a crook, i feel like a defrauder...i feel like throwing up. not that i haven't been lately. pneumonia and then the pain day all criss-crossed into several magical ER visits and i feel like screaming to the world "OK I GET IT. I FUCKED UP. BUT DO YOU NEED TO REMIND ME OF THAT EVERY 15 MINUTES VIA EMAIL?????"

yes...it's the registration crap, again. i'm just so fed up and i'm sick of administrative types telling me that i'm irresponsible (how exactly could that be absolutely and so resolutely true?)...not once, but several times a day. it's days like these that make you want to crawl under a rock and die.

the funny part..."funny" part...was that it took me all damn day to get off my floor yesterday and when i finally did and went to work? i was told to go home because i was fired. at least temporarily. so they say.

on your way home, could someone pick me up a break from the store? seriously, i'm barely holding on...

ok i get it. i've completely fucked up in every way, i was stalin in the last life, i don't deserve healthcare and my own father said that "healthcare isn't for people like you who don't contribute to society" thus not even attempting to help me out, even in the form of a loan at 5 trillion percent interest.

i get it. i get that everyone's job on the whole planet is in jeopardy because i cannot get a simple fucking set of forms through to even get my own job back, i understand that i've let every person possible down because i'm not the superhero i'm supposed to be, i understand that even if i'm living in a box on the street corner that the act of putting in my payroll hours is so trivial compared with how much others suffer more.

i get it. i really, really do. but is it possible to go ahead and let me work on my dissertation for even one day without having to confess all my sins all day, every day or can you at least cut me a little bit of slack on the hail marys? i will pay them back with interest but please...fucking hell please...can i just get one -- i admit completely undeserved -- break just this one time?

so am i a secret bitch? i have no idea what i mean by that but i'm sure it has something to do with the inner rage he says would kill a normal person...yeah, back to that inner rage thing. the thing is i really don't like rules...which has a lot to do with my dissertation...maybe if i figure that out, i'll figure out the bigger issue beyond the game.

i do seethe with rage when i think of the new one and how eerie it is that she's almost a carbon copy of the last one...churn churn...boring. throw me something interesting at least will you? analyzed and determined completely useless at hello.

see? that secret bitch thing...or is it not such a secret? or is it just an easy title to slap on to avoid seeing the real issue behind the color red?

48 hour test, worth a shot i guess and if jesse can make a move forward then so can i, right? i can do this, right?

who do you believe? i mean who do you believe in the end? the person who says, wow, yeah, things are fucked up so let's do this or the person who says i can't believe things are as fucked up as you say so let's do this to see if they are really all that fucked up? then...non-invasive and much less expensive or invasive and much more expensive?

and on another note...is it fucked up to realize that maybe the road is important because if it's not one you really buy into...will the end mean a thing? even if that means letting go?

i'm tired.

seriously i am. spine out of alignment, stars out of alignment, mind out of alignment, realizing that not leaving isn't the same as staying, wondering if you have to like the road you'll have to take in order to want to arrive at the destination? suicide thesis is the new band in town and there's nothing that can give me comfort, even if it were simply served cold like revenge at the best restaurant in town.

and, finally, he asked "did you ever consider for a moment that it might all be neurological?" to which i replied "did you ever consider that it might not exist?"

this new google blogger shit is driving me insane.

anyway...school starts back up tuesday so i've got a lot to do still to prep for the classes i teach...and much to do in so many areas...

the study abroad crap is getting there. most of my annoyance is in the amount of work i've had to do on the passport/visa/travel stuff while i was supposed to only be working on the academic side of things. i've realized that my time with wimse is coming to a close, as sad as that may seem. this is it. this is my last semester there as a grad assistant. i have a new boss that starts tuesday, i have to, have to, have to finish no later than august. i want to finish no later than august -- that's the more important part. i'll miss it, no doubt. but it's time to move on. what will they do without me is the question so many ask. i don't know. but i can't believe -- or let myself believe -- that on soooooo many of my job duties someone else couldn't do it. maybe the next person won't have my personality or my same reasons for wanting wimse to grow, change, etc with the times. but it's easy to get yourself in a lull where you are no longer effective, no longer able to see beyond just the day to day demands of the job.

do i think i've made a difference? yeah, i do. but there are so many other things i feel i need to do for me and for others in this life. it's time for me to go. yeah, i can point fingers and make a stand and say "i'm leaving because they are users" or "i'm leaving because they don't value my opinion even though i'm the only one in housings that's in the real trenches of wimse." but really? just as my students move on and graduate...so must i. so must i. and housing doesn't care if i move on...the university doesn't care...but i must and i do care.

it's time for that next step. as scary as hell as that is. it's time.

it WAS kinda hilarious, actually, to see the lunesta ads that were shown during the breaks between that new grease reality show as if anyone watching were still awake. i mean, i have NEVER watched the whole american idol process but i think it's pretty similar...i mean could they have found MORE boring hosts? now i know what NOT to do during GDC...

heh. speaking of...in the latest game dev mag, there's a picture of me asking my pain in the ass question at last year's game dev challenge in the half of the magazine that is the gdc advertisement. no, that's not the caption -- there's no caption. but if i were to caption it, it'd be something like "i KNEW this was gonna end up on some ad..." it's kind of funny. but cool.

so today dr. b told me that any normal person would have died from the poison from the rage...which reminded me of another dr. b who told me that everything was going to make me a stronger person...how strong do i need to be, exactly?

what part of "do you have a US passport? if not, are you getting one now or are you in the visa process if you hold another country's passport?" is so damn confusing?

ok, age and experience has a lot to do with my crankiness about this. but it's really, really irritating when, after email 5 on the issue, someone's just now realized "hey, i DON'T have a us passport and/or visa to exit and re-enter the country -- so do i need to do something?" and then someone in a position of power says "oh, you should let students know that they need passports and/or visas." yeah? really? you think so? god, thanks for letting us know! we'd totally forgotten about that...

ahhhhhhhhhh. wake up, wake up, wake up. and i'm talking to myself right now. a little over a week before i have a new boss and i have an awful lot of shit to figure out.

i think this pretty much describes it all...the re-modernist space between places that i've found myself in with regard to how i view myself and how others view me...the abd catch 22 of somehow not being human or alive if you are in grad school...any minute now, my ship is coming in
i'll keep checking the horizon
i'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
come crashing down down down, on me

and you say, "be still my love
open up your heart
let the light shine in"
but don't you understand
i already have a plan
i'm waiting for my real life to begin

when i awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
but in my dreams, i slew the dragon
and down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
i'm walking in my old footsteps, once again

and you say, "just be here now
forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin"
let me throw one more dice
i know that i can win
i'm waiting for my real life to begin

any minute now, my ship is coming in
i’ll keep checking the horizon
and i'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
it's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
it's just that times are lean

and you say, "be still my love
open up your heart, let the light shine in"
don't you understand
i already have a plan
i'm waiting for my real life to begin

on a clear day
i can see, see for a long way
yeah...colin hay of men at work fame...who can it be now?

hmm. like someone was reading my mind when they posted their favorite scrubs episode songs and is it just me or does everyone have those once-a-month days where all they do is play songs, watch tv/movies that make them cry? mood-state dependency...

more from finland...

more from finland...
Originally uploaded by vrgrrl.

how...bauhaus

yeah, you'd think i'd lived in finland or something with the number of pix i have to post from there. this one just kept coming up in my photostream so i thought i'd finally blog it. anyway, i'm wondering if this diy-crafts-arts-technology thing has something to do with that whole re-modernist crap (read: philosophy) i was reading a few weeks ago and the space between places...someone's had to have written about it, right? or maybe i just did.

and wasn't it weird when last night's ep of law and order svu had that quote about unhappy families from anna karenina and it's the book i'm currently reading...although it was a bit *summarized* when they used it...happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own wayword.

so ford's dead and i've realized he has a lot in common with bush...in the sad fact that he, too, was appointed president...at least for term one. then, somehow, we elected bush president for term two. maybe we'd have been better off electing ford...wonder how things would have turned out...you know, with that whole hostage crisis thing ending with reagan that showed us exactly when we sold our souls to the republicans...ah well, we can play that game with gore and/or kerry versus bush as well...

but all i can think of is those old SNL skits...not the ones with chevy chase tripping everywhere but the newer older ones where they are working on ford's "death announcement" on cnn and saying things like "president gerald r. ford was mauled to death by bears today..." ok, bad timing and taste BUT seriously cnn had that packaged death montage up in seconds after the announcement...

oh yeah, it's the new year. i should make some coffee. and have a shower. also, why is it so cold in here? is my body temp really 97.4? and why exactly do i not write about the architecture dreams...