something has me spouting out advise and stories to whoever wants to listen right now and i'm not sure why. i told dr. b that i feel sick, that i feel like something is wrong...that even if this isn't a big deal, even if it turns out not to be a big deal...something inside has me prepared for the worst. so maybe if, as they say, the worst that we can imagine will never happen is true...than maybe this is a good thing.

it was strange driving everyone back up 74 and talking about the cold war and there we were surrounded by the still dead fields that always remind me of the day after...and there we were talking about relationships and how you never know what's coming around the corner...how we were convinced that we wouldn't really survive back then, back when my friend's parents were locked up at the pentagon, at quantico, at all those locked and secret places back then when we thought that we really might not be here the day after...and i remember moscow in the spring and one day maybe i'll go there and at least see how it is now and i wonder where yuri from leningrad (now st. petersburg) ended up...

and damn...this is a crazy, crazy life and i look at my passport and i wonder where next will be?