warning: bumpy road with nipple piercing ahead...

warning: bumpy road with nipple piercing ahead
Originally uploaded by vrgrrl.

road sign from tallinn, estonia and it's somewhere close to the old kgb headquarters in that town, which still stands...the sign on the building says that this is the site of the torture and execution of so many estonians and i when you walk the streets of eastern europe it's hard not to reflect on what things were like before...and it makes you wonder which country is like that now...and whose history is right?

so the latest "four things" list is going around and i've deleted a few categories because i just didn't feel like answering them or thinking about answering them.

four jobs i've had...

1. conference planner. a nightmare grad assistantship that required me to figure out who could make the best quality shrimp something-or-another for the best price
2. key cutter. i now have a strange fondness for the kw-1 key blank
3. window dresser. ok, maybe the dead flower and christmas tragedy scene was overkill...
4. technical whore. another in a series of deadend boring-ass assistantships that required me to monitor electronic gradebook software...

four movies i can watch over and over...

1. the fifth element
2. defending your life
3. good bye, lenin
4. monsoon wedding

four places i've lived...

1. a house i don't remember, washington, dc.
2. an apartment on 15th and republican in capitol hill, seattle.
3. a townhouse in blacksburg, virginia with four roommates, all of us in varying states of insanity.
4. a flat in a council district in london.

four tv shows i love...

1. frasier (i know...)
2. er (i know...)
3. dead like me (which is...dead)
4. the daily show

four places i've vacationed...

1. reykjavik, iceland
2. amsterdam, netherlands
3. taipei, taiwan
4. st. petersburg, russia

four places i would rather be right now...

1. seattle
2. prague
3. amsterdam
4. vienna

hours at the museum and i'm not sure what to do right now because part of me wants to go home and veg but then i know that i have 800k things to do and, oh yeah, finish that outline of the diss to send to chip tomorrow and mystery calls on my answering machine at work from some place i've never heard of but they need to talk to me now and i'm like wtf.

but i'm zoning now and i need to leave work or i'm never going to get any work done so how much sense does that make, huh?

i can't say that i'm particularly impressed with my lack of work this weekend. friday i was in a coma, too tired to think about anything. today? just tired and anxious and messing around with winding yarn and not doing the laundry and almost getting killed while driving to walgreens in the rain and in pain as some ass tries to pass the car in front of him/her by going through my car and then i go to the museum tomorrow and i'm just realizing that mid-march will be hear in no time so i've gotta stop taking days off...and isn't that sick?

the grocery series...

peppers
Originally uploaded by vrgrrl.

yeah, this is an oldie but a goodie and was the first us grocery shot i took after taking shots of groceries and chemists overseas...

and, yes, people look at you like you're crazy when you whip out a camera and start taking pix like crazy in the groceries ALL OVER THE WORLD. but there's nothing to worried about...especially if you are already crazy.

while i know it's friday at the same time it feels like some weird "sick day" or something. i definitely have been pushed and have pushed myself (whether i've been asked or not) over my limits...i guess "over" isn't the right term since i did get everything (well, except wimse coffee house...i totally forgot that while i was running around collecting surveys even though i had it on my schedule) that needed to get done, done.

but i find myself getting increasingly frustrated by "the little things" like, oh, late bills, the fact that i have no money, my student loan check is late and my network at home isn't working right and the power keeps going out, which means i keep having to reset everything every 3 hours...and, oh yeah, my phone's been cut off but i don't have a dime to pay the bill...and rent's due next week...i'd try to sell a kidney but, you know, maybe i'm not the best donor candidate given all the places i've travelled to and all the illnesses i've had.

and so in my adolescent psych class yesterday i was finally able to give a somewhat proper intro to our class, which has been insane due to fucking banner, the registration system and having about 15 more students than i'm being paid for (yes, dr. b, i did get the *balls* to demand a pay raise yesterday)...and i don't mind teaching a larger class, i'm not nervous or anything like that. but this is getting insane -- the students are paying more to come here and they are dropping ta positions and overloading our sections and THANK FUCKING GOD the university spent probably 800 million dollars to herald in the ron zook football era, especially since we pulled out a 2-8 record this fall (ok that was one of my RAs who pointed that out -- guess which one?). :)

but anyway back to the teaching of the class...so we talked about what is it about "18" that means we're "adults" -- are we still adolescents until we're 25? does everyone really feel that way at 18, that they are adults? it's a good question. i mean i definitely felt changed after moving out, going to undergrad, having to make all these decisions that, until then, i'd never really had to make. but i'm 35 now...and, believe me, the salary that i make...it's just not covering it. then again, where do i have to turn to? i have to figure it out every month. but, no, i'm not an adolescent...but i hope, given my work in the dorms, that i can keep understanding the powerful new life change that they are all going through and never become one of those people who thinks "oh...undergrads are SO irresponsible." well, come on...why wouldn't they be in some ways? i'm irresponsible sometimes, although i try not to be. i mean these kids are gonna slip up, problems that were hidden while they were in high school are going to unleash themselves, people will try to die while others will die without trying. so how can the university, etc say that "well, they are 18, they should know what they are doing." i mean come on...can any one of us say that in every instance in our lives we know what we're doing? no. because sometimes you've gotta learn the improv, to not tighten up when you think you're gonna crash, to admit mistakes but then try to make it right...to look out for each other because sooner or later someone will need to look after us.

the main problem is how to be real and genuine in my diss writing...when the closest to real is my psycho ramblings on this thing and in the bookcase full of old journals i've filled out over all those years. but chip had a good idea today, to post what my dissertation writing schedule is on here so that you all can hold me accountable...

so the task for monday is to take the pile of insanity that goes on for 200+ pages and figure out a chatty extended outline of the shape of the whole fucking thing, not just the beginning...but the whole story. and i mean THIS next monday...the 30th. so look for my update about that then...and feel free to say "go team" or "fuck off" or "tonight's soup is clam chowder" or whatever you want in the comments area.

cloud gate, millennium park, chicago

cloud gate, millennium park, chicago
Originally uploaded by vrgrrl.

the bean, they say, and this was taken last winter when c and i went to chicago and my students laughed last week when i said that chicago was a stranger to me and that c-u was what i knew of illinois and how has it been so many years since i last moved and i've noticed myself checking travel sites several times a day wondering if i should go to iceland for a third time since it's on sale now...

prozac 20mg

prozac 20mg
Originally uploaded by vrgrrl.

it's a brave new world and i remember saying that to l&m about the salon personals at that thai restaurant in the "new town" that's appeared in the dc 'burbs that used to be wasteland but is now littered with swank storefronts and i haven't decided how i feel yet about the town i grew up in looking different and more distant every time i return and i told c that it was like i never grew up here at all, that the dc i knew now only exists in my mind that's been cluttered for years now with the wares of eli lilly and other beasts...and all things go...all things go.

years ago...

depressed in las vegas
Originally uploaded by vrgrrl.

on the floor of a room at the bellagio hotel...so depressed i wonder if my heart might stop in my sleep, maybe hoping it would so that i wouldn't have to drag myself out of it...something about nevada...the lost people...

so, yeah, a new template for a new year. i mean it's almost the 5 year anniversary of this thing so what the hell. also the comments thing now works but you have to log on to leave comments so i don't get 956 viagra and house refinancing ads an hour on my blog.

ipod and laptop on and i'm trying to power through all this nasty crap i have to do and i hate hate hate all the administrative shit you have to do when the semester starts. i'm getting faster at it though...basically by locking myself in my freezing office and just getting it done.

what else to do tonight? well, after the 9th survey administration in trelease (3 more to go...) i then have to complete an irb amendment and write a draft of my e3 proposal...figure out where the fuck i put the info about the amsterdam conference...and, what the hell, maybe i'll have time for a little dissertation work? maybe...i have a meeting with chip on tuesday so i'd better sit my ass down and get the rework done on my document.

and, oh yeah, i have to break up with my old thesis chair.

so a switch of captain's after yesterday and i'm wondering why i hung on so long, waiting and hoping that something would change...and now i guess i was just sick of it so i finally did something about it. so chip's in charge now and the planets have aligned it seems.

and now an opportunity out of nowhere has come about where i'll be helping the displaced new orleanians in an online massively multiplayer world and who knows why that's entered the scheme of things but, hey, cool...and it matches up with my dissertation topic...so how can i say no?

2006. thank fucking god.

hmm...it seems like it's always the end of month when i remember that i haven't made a posting in forever...or at least in a month. just got through watching goodbye lenin for the 90th time and i remember getting into an argument the first time i saw it, saying yes the mother WAS looking at her son and had realized what he had done the whole friggin' time...and i remember the weird pride from the same person about etre et avoir who missed the whole point of the whole thing...arguing in the streets of london, arguing or shaking my head in disbelief...

chris gets here tomorrow afternoon and then.

and then i don't know.

but anyway, i've started realizing how cyclical my dissertation cycle is and it's mind boggling and how much else in my life is that way exactly and can i line it all up and see? and if i did and if it was...how do i start to end it? nameless and faceless, who am i?

the semester is over and i'm going to dc tomorrow via detroit and chris will join me there on the 28th...then we'll fly back on the 2nd. ah holidays. seems more calm so far than it has been over the last few years. so far.

tired.

ok, too few posts lately, i know. i'm not sure where the time has been going. no, scratch that. i know. i think i'm finally getting out of the funk of the week before thanksgiving when everything seemed so random and out of control and i didn't know if i had the strength to do what was right...which drove me madder than i already am, trying to figure out if i had the strength to not fall, not fail, and end up doing what was just easy...just pass things off.

but who else would have been there? i don't know if i was the best person, given my penchant for dark humor during desperate times...i do it to help myself through it, to try not to break down...but i don't know if it's the best course of action for everyone else exactly...

as dr b said earlier in the week...we're smart people...but we aren't perfect people. and, damn, i was far, far from perfect during the time we were figuring out what exactly that t-shirt would say as the original shift came back to work, assaulted by memories of everything i've been through in this life...and i was there to protect my charges as best as i could, protect them from some of the insanity of spending time in hospitals, without trying to hide the reality of, the severity of the situation in a whole showboat down denial river...not just in egypt, you know...

so tomorrow's my writing day at my secret writing cove, which really isn't that secret as in a "stealth location where no one could find me" but it pretty good. i feel like bursting into tears over it, especially when i see a dissertation from some other place that looks like, wow, someone really had a committee that worked with them and encouraged them and, fuck, does this look like a portfolio? where are the research questions, the methods, etc. it's just 6 papers all jammed together and i think...just like i have thought 100000000 BILLION TIMES already...this place, this illinois...this was NOT THE RIGHT PLACE FOR ME. obviously people are out there in the world, doing the things i want to do but are at places that dare to let people out of the boxes and walls of "correct" academic writing.

i had a chance. for a little while. to do an electronic deposit. but that was all during seattle-gate...back when it seemed quite possible that i was just about finished. it doesn't matter. this is a different story i tell right now. nothing's quite the same.

so i surrendered the last piece of evidence i had that said i was not from here at the dmv after taking the state's written exam (i passed...90%...no sweat) and the lady at the counter asked me how i liked illinois and i said it was alright and she flipped through my passport and said, oh, you've been all over the place...and, yeah, now? i'm living here.

it was vidodin time earlier in the week and to top it all off i got a head cold to add to the cramps so i've been in a very weird and snippy mood all week and it's c's bday on sunday and i need to order the cake still. and click. click. click. smile. and click.

and nano starts tuesday -- should i do it again? should i view it as the time to just get a shitload of writing done? it's hard not to view everything as completely imploding right now and, yeah, the world's gone mad and i ask "when, exactly, will i need to take a rollercoaster coast to coast? have rollercoasters suddenly become a viable means of transportation?"

so yesterday a motely crew of 9 wimse-iers came with me to the children's museum and it was a lot of fun. most (all?) had never really walked around downtown so that was cool to visit a few places there with them...and laugh at honorary reo speedwagon way...it *is* really funny.

i'm really tired today and i'm sick of this weather. i just can't get motivated to give much of a crap about my *wardrobe* choices when it's in the 90s. i should never live in the deep south. ever.

and speaking of, i read on salon.com yesterday a story about a former playboy club bunny from the early 70s who spent a decade in new orleans and it was actually quite good. the city, as it was all those summers ago, is gone. i hope that they can rebuild but it's hard to hear about the destruction and to now envisage all the places i knew and loved being treated as *storage houses* for the displaced...no one should be treated the way they were treated, not in this so-called rich country of ours...their inhumane treatment in those early days after the hurricaine is only worsened by the heartbreak of hearing about separations from their pets...i can't even watch...

me, walking around with vrboy and sleepless and others after drinking way too much on the quarter...scenesters at underground afterparties...back in our young days...the steam and the sin and the spying off the balconies...jazz and drink...and tellers on the square and she told me it'd all work out and it wasn't until last night that it dawned on me...that maybe it has and it's spooky the way it all worked out...when i'd forgotten that part of the dream...

at kopi downtown this afternoon and i wonder if i have any dignity left at all these days and i started crying, sitting at the table while the counter girls made fun of the midlife crisis outside asking for bread crumbs to encourage the birds...crying because i overheard a guy at a table talking to two people who didn't know each other or him and he says "i'm just starting my graduate school career" and nonono never use that word, never use that word career because you just might end up as me, sitting at a table at a coffee shop with tears in your eyes as you think about your failing career and all the years and you think about leaving.

but to not move forward...would mean losing everything i've built up. but moving forward...may mean having to leave everything i have now.

to get to the core, i must dig deeply and trust the man behind the curtain with the very thing that will make him leave...or me leave...because i won't need...

because everyone leaves.
even me.
eventually.