Sunday, June 21, 2009

ok. so the blood wasn't bad enough to see (thanks gravity!). vanity decided to walk in the room at the same time and it was the first time i'd seen myself standing up without the bandages...oh my fucking god. so i did what i do best these days...cried.

i mean it's vanity. i know that. pure and simple. but, wow...i mean i'm doing my best to cope with all kinds of shit from all directions and what makes me finally break down is seeing the scars and the unhealed everything with every bandage off, blood pouring down because, well, i was vertical (nearly went horizontal when things got a little cloudy for a sec).

sure, maybe you'd say that it was a normal response to everything i've been through in the last...well, OVER a month now. i mean who wants to see a preview of what things are gonna look like when the bandages come off for good when the surgical incision closes and i stop bleeding (stigmata!)? maybe i'll keep the bandage covering on for a few years.

but that's not going to help with the rest of head is spinning and i want to crawl into a hole...and i HATE email. just so you know.


SJ said...

It does get better, and it does suck. The surprise colostomy required 6 weeks to recover from. Then there was the three months of having my intestine poking outside of my stomach wall ( a real aphrodisiac, let me tell you) then The uncolostomy which took weeks in the hospital off and on, a month at home in bed due to complications and then another final week in the hospital. Six months total. I did heal physically ( though it did destroy my bikini modeling career) and eventually emotionally. Can actually laugh about much of it now.

My most embarassing and mawkish crying jag was after about a week in the hospital after I returned due to complications of the second surgery. I had decided even though they said I had the choice to go home. I was going to stay there til they damn well fucking fixed me once and for all.

Then, I swear to God, the cast of The Lion King from broadway appears on the Today show and starts singing the dead father song with the "He lives in you." and I'm crying like a Baby. When I'm done I tell myself "Ok, you've been in here too long and you're clearly losing your mind. Time to go home".

For example, take my most mawkish and embarrassing

SJ said...

sorry abt the iPhone edit error at the bottom :-)