Sunday, May 09, 2004

latest search query that has found my blog? "crayz german keyboard." seems like it's a worldwide craze. or something like that.

so it may have dawned on you that tuesday is the anniversary of my total breakdown. yeah, two years ago and it didn't hit me until about an hour ago but there you have it...and it's hard to face up to that, to own that fact...yes, i went completely completely insane and it was sad and awful and there were days that i couldn't face and nights i wondered if i would ever see the end of. but i'm still here. and i'm still here.

jesse once told me to look at these things in my life, in my past, to look at these events gone by as badges of honor, like medals given to those who have served in the war...and i remember so many years ago an old professor of mine telling me that as he faced down the ptsd he had after vietnam, he held on to those old army medals until one day he realized that he didn't need them anymore. is that what having survived means?

the scars fade more and more each day but they remain. and maybe they always will. but, still...they fade.

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