god it feels like it's 4000 degrees outside because of the humidity after our very brief downpour earlier today and you know how i hate that feeling especially when it's cramp time...and even when it's not. i should live in siberia.

so here i am dizzy and crampy and burning up and trying to do some reading and cleaning...but mostly i'm just in a lot of pain and i hate this, i really hate this. but everything isn't all bad. after all, i located a little bit of funding for the summer, i have a full committee again, things are going well with my textile art work...but still...that voice inside keeps repeating its mantra...don't fuck this up, don't fuck this up, don't fuck this up...

haha! the *found* tour is coming to champaign the day after my birthday...which means it's still a long way away. but it is coming!

"evil empire drinking emporium" is the search of the day and it's funny because i've been thinking about that place, or rather, those places while thinking about what the hell kind of summer job i'm going to be able to get because, damn, i need a summer job and i'm not sure what direction to start looking in...

i keep thinking that i need to start writing another book...

latest search query that has found my blog? "crayz german keyboard." seems like it's a worldwide craze. or something like that.

so it may have dawned on you that tuesday is the anniversary of my total breakdown. yeah, two years ago and it didn't hit me until about an hour ago but there you have it...and it's hard to face up to that, to own that fact...yes, i went completely completely insane and it was sad and awful and there were days that i couldn't face and nights i wondered if i would ever see the end of. but i'm still here. and i'm still here.

jesse once told me to look at these things in my life, in my past, to look at these events gone by as badges of honor, like medals given to those who have served in the war...and i remember so many years ago an old professor of mine telling me that as he faced down the ptsd he had after vietnam, he held on to those old army medals until one day he realized that he didn't need them anymore. is that what having survived means?

the scars fade more and more each day but they remain. and maybe they always will. but, still...they fade.

i'm back and completely exhausted and used to german keyboards so i keep almost typing z's instead of y's, etc...chris is already asleep and i won't be up much longer myself...it is, after all, 3:30 am central european time.

oh yeah...trying to eat at a restaurant around 5:30 in prague this past sunday? no! we don't open until 7, it's hockey time!!!! oh yeah. duh!

ack sorry about the posting hiatus -- internet access in prague was less easily found than in vienna with the bignet sites and...i was just too damn busy anyway. :) so the czech republic is now part of the eu as i said and there was a big celebration complete with some really, uh, odd music groups in the old town square. and as we left prague, there was a nice old man (ask me about his eyebrows!!!!) who was learning american english and was so excited to talk to us so that he could practice up for his upcoming visit to chicago for his son's wedding and by some miracle our train back to vienna didn't catch on fire like our other train did so we didn't have to switch to a super slow stop-by-stop train.

now it's our last full day here in europe before we head back to the states tomorrow morning and it's been a crazy wild ride and i feel super creatively inspired now so watch out!!!! talk to you all soon. hugs (loria - haha).

blogging from prague where our train here caught on fire, we were standing next to a guy chris knew, and the cz is now part of the eu...more later!