ow. i have a huge bruise on my arm from crashing into the edge of the bathroom door in the middle of the night when i dared to get my cramp-ful body out of bed and get some more advil. i didn't notice the bruise until now but it is *very* impressive. not really. but i do wonder how many cuts and bruises i can attribute to menstrual cramp-related falling and fainting over the last, uh, i guess about 19 years.

new! so i'm in fund raising mode now to pay for a ticket to go to the UK for a few weeks this summer...i need to go by one of those student travel agencies sometime this week to find out what kind of deals they have. however, if anyone knows of something terrific, let me know!

whoo hoo! i got a royalty check in the mail...now i can pay my power bill. so sad...so sad...

so we escaped from near death...at least i'm sure that i was near death from disbelief after watching a *super rare* forcefield appearance about 5-6 hours ago in chicago at versionfest..."known for their idiot-savant low-tech approach to art-making, forcefield made a splash in 2002 at the whitney biennial with groupings of life-size knit figures set off by deafening a noise-band soundtrack and pulsating video projection."*art-making*...i may never fully recover.

i saw the movie the hours last night and i've been thinking about marvin most of the afternoon and evening...the lull...the reverie that listening to glass always puts me in...how it brings me back...weeping and trying not to weep during those final concerts...the anxiety building, where to go, which way to go...driving around and around and around...i can see him now. that day, years and years later...i'm waiting, waiting in front of a building that had never meant and would never mean anything to us, to him and to me together.

but i'll wonder forever.

my friend...my friend that i will never see as ill..my friend who i will always see young, laughing...because we never did meet again...on that day, in front of that building...that building that would never mean anything to us...but will forever be the place where you never aged for me, where you were healthy...where we are still driving around and around and around, wondering where to go, which way to go...young and giddy with all the love and all the hope and all the world that lay before us.

so it's official...i have a new boyfriend. your example inspired me, jerome! :)

the original pancake house on springfield was where to make the scene this morning. i guess now that spring break has started and most of the undergrads are out of here, all my grad school buds were out and about today. we can't afford a trip out anywhere so we just kind of linger for the week.

so. date number three is tonight...

ok...soon...burning man planning posts. i promise.

oh my god...how much time can we spend on the "was that a hussein body double" issue? and why does the u.s. media just call him "saddam?" what the fuck are we doing? i feel sick watching the coverage. "ever growing coalition of the willing." whatever bush.

fuck. apparently we are bombing iraq but it's too early to tell what the hell is going on exactly. FUCKKKKKKKKKK.

so i get this email this morning about some list of links that was on a website that i last was in charge of in 1997:"i recommend that you remove your dead site from the web. i'm sure it was wonderful in its day but it is royally dead now."hey thanks big brother! i'll get right on that.

ok so it was a date.

uh...so was it a date?

um...so i was on a date tonight? well, ok, so it didn't start out as a date...a coffee...but six hours later after dinner and drinks and a "i had a really great time, let's get together again soon" parting on, uh..."honorary reo speedwagon drive" (i'm not making this up...there is a fucking street called "honorary reo speedwagon drive" in downtown champaign)...apparently we had just been out on a date. and, no, this isn't some crazy scandal.

what a long day...i think i'm going to withdraw the play and forget it. this is just insane. yes, it's become even MORE insane since yesterday. i don't know what to say about it really other than this just fucking sucks. i don't know. i've talked to lucia, to christine, to yuri, and to jesse about it...they know how much this is bothering me. of course the question is out there -- why tell the story now? exactly. why now?

it's like clockwork, really...every spring. the anxiety builds and i feel like i'm about to re-live it again and again and again and i can’t stop it.

oh god...the play saga is a meta play in itself...i'm too emotionally exhausted from this week's script adaptation and stage blocking and the ENDLESS discussion about whether or not i should step out of it because it might be too *real* for me. i don't know. it just seems to be such a hassle right now...i mean...eh...forget it. i'm too tired to talk any more about it today.

so today (later today) is unofficial st patty's day on campus...the most hated day of the year for everyone who is not an undergrad. bars open at 8am on campus, which means you are very likely to find that your car has been vomited on while you were teaching a class that no one showed up for because they were out drinking green beer. and just in time for all the open houses that start tomorrow and the all prospies and their parents who will probably be molested in the street by some drunk frat boy on a dare.

ok my play is definitely on now -- it's being "adapted for stage" now. i know...uh...wasn't it already a play? the adaptation person in the theatre department looks over scripts like mine and makes sure that what is in the script can actually be performed on stage in a way that won't completely lose the audience. no words, though, have been cut. she's just putting in stage directions and such.

oh shit. i just realized that i still owe jerome some money -- eep! i'll get that to you asap!!

fuck i wish that i could afford to go to thailand for spring break. too damn much money. but steve is going to send me some fabrics from there soon for my "stash." so that looks like it's as close as i'm going to get to thailand for now.

anyway...looks like the play may be on again. i'll know for sure tomorrow. it's still *too controversial* but they are going to go for it anyway it seems. as of this moment at least.

christ. so the girl who comes to inspect my apartment? she only goes like 3 feet into my apartment and says "ok, that's fine." what the fuck? all that cleaning and all she does is come in 3 feet. whatever. i mean my living room could have been on fire and there could have been satanic messages (or any messages really) written in blood on my walls...and she wouldn't have known a thing.

cool! now i can finally start setting things on fire and writing satanic messages in blood on my walls!

oh weird...i'm about to hit the two year mark on this blog. kick ass.