marvin...you were a friend of mine...

aids sucks.

ok...why i am sitting, typing this on my laptop on the friggin' floor while my cats are on the bed all stretched out? anyway, it's become very cold and windy here all of the sudden and most of the trees have already lost all their leaves. i wonder why i find this time of year to be the most beautiful...i guess that even though everything is dying all around, there's hope in knowing that at least some things will be back again when spring rolls around.

tomorrow marks the ten year anniversary of amy's death and i was just re-reading the diaries from that summer and finding it hard to believe that we were ever that young, that any of that actually happened, that she was still alive.

just got back from the airport, via chicago's chinatown where we had dinner before hitting the road. am pretty damn tired right now but i survived. i didn't get to see everyone i wanted to see while i was in seattle but i did get a chance to meet bunkdoo for dinner at snappy dragon and it was good to see him again. and he brought me some fun new games!

so i have about 4000 new emails from when i was gone so i'll have to look at them tomorrow and try to catch up. because i'm pretty damn tired right now.

seattle again. this time i'm staying in wallingford and so far no trip to capitol hill. so i did the exchange of "the stuff." sort of. he who shall not be named is mailing my stuff. but i gave all his stuff back to a mutual friend.

but anyway...i walked from the u district back to paul's house in wallingford and on the walk i passed by some of the places...you know...the places that you aren't sure if your heart will lurch if you see them again? but i was ok. i guess the fact that the u district looks like campustown did over the summer made it seem different thank god.

just a few hours until we leave for midway and i have a meeting with my thesis chair somewhere in between now and then. i'm really too tired to be going on this trip but i need to make the journey now and face everything...or at least some things. like the city...like some of the old haunts...old friends.

yeah, it's pretty late again and lately i haven't been able to fall asleep before 3 or 4am. i'm not sure what exactly i did all day but it doesn't seem to have been all that much. i did finish another journal today and it dawned on me that maybe i should go get a new one tomorrow for my trip, one that doesn't have metal covers with sharpish edges like the others i have in reserve. i'm not sure that airport security would exactly dig that. i could use my leopard print journal but i'd already promised myself that i'd use that as my next research journal instead...because nothing says *legit academic* like leopard print, you know?

haha. ever flip through the channels at this time of night and survey the infomercials that are on? there's this "flavor express deluxe injector and decorator kit" on now that basically lets you add cream filling to cake-like substances. and, yes, while it *is* quite a super bargain at only $12.67, i'm thinking that you could, oh say, BUY SOME FUCKING TWINKIES and save yourself some trouble.

so the people in the human subjects research office told me today that they'd come to a consensus, that they liked my hair better when it was red. and you know what that means...black hair all winter long! YAY!

oh...apparently i was one of the three big winners of the psych happy hour "plagiarize a song contest" (ok, there were only three entries so everyone "won") with my version of king of pain. wildly funny if you are doing research in psych. anyone else would probably say that it's time to up the meds again. but speaking of meds or psychosis/neurosis/thesis...beads. beads. beads. what the FUCK was going on this afternoon at the coffee shop at krannart art? oh right...THAT'S a good idea. go move to fucking new mexico and make beaded necklaces with a PhD. where's commencement this year? at the psych ward at carle?

ok sorry. i'll try to be more "E for everyone" next time.

just got off the phone with sleepless and everything's all set for my return to seattle next week for icls. you know who will be out of the country so i think at least mentally that will make it easier on me. and speaking of that...we finally talked about the "return of the stuff" the other day. you know, that conversation where you have to discuss the logistics of getting your stuff back from the other person. what was so interesting about the conversation was how it was really just about "the stuff" and nothing else. and that always amazes me...how you can be so close to someone, how you can be at a place in your life where you think "wow, this is it, this is the one" and then all that's left to say, or at least all that can be said, is cold and businesslike...as if you never knew the person at all. and i guess that there's a lot of truth to that. i'm not quite certain that i ever knew him at all.

something that we were withholding made us weak until we found it was ourselves. [robert frost]

that which we do not bring to consciousness appears in our lives as fate. [carl jung]

i'm going to finally get some dinner now but you'll notice that all my old blog postings from the fairy tale blog are all back now.

ok ok ok dammit i will i will i will update this.

maybe.