you can tell she's dying just by talking to her on the telephone...never mind the rising ca-125 levels despite the years of chemo...it's in her voice...the pain, the anger...the fear...and i just want to tell her that it's ok, she doesn't need to be brave for us anymore...but i can't find the right words, i can't say it without my own voice breaking...

me, breaking down, crying at long last...crying because i can't stop it, crying because...because...because.

how much time is left on the clock? does it do any good to wonder? i know. don't ask anymore.

auditioning a new potential therapist on tuesday...we'll see. this therapist focuses on "creative" approaches to psychotherapy, which will either be perfect for me or a total joke. kind of like the non-stop coloring that they have you do in the hospital.

i told her a little bit about my past with therapy but i didn't mention any issues other than feeling "lost" and not sure where my passions lie, not knowing what to do "next," etc. i also mentioned being dropped by my last therapist and the idea that it might be a good idea to have a female therapist this time around. at any rate, the first session is free so what could it hurt?

i'm both excited and dreading this...if it's a good fit and can help me than, great. but i also dread the therapy dance, my tendency to dismiss things that sound idiotic...i know my demons well. they've been carved up and served on a plate and reviewed to no end. i almost feel sorry for her, as i'm sure that first session is going to be me "reading down a list" of all the things that have happened with the pre-warning of "oh, i'll probably start laughing as i tell you all this -- that's my coping mechanism -- i'm not THAT ill..."

sometimes out of frustration i think about going to medical school and/or getting another masters, this time in counseling psychology...and then I remember: "physician? heal thyself!"

still...i wonder if i could work through my own demons ...if i wouldn't make a really good doctor...or, probably more realistically, make myself really insane! i've just been reading some doctor's accounts of working in psych wards and have been so livid about "the system." i decided that i needed to read some doctor's accounts while doing research/writing for my novel and they are making me sick.

no...i'm not really serious about going back to school. i'm just frustrated by my own experiences dealing with the system. i'm sure i'd get swallowed up by it and/or fired because i refused to follow the rules...

interesting blog about someone's middle age attempt at med school...

life...passing me by...trying to write, trying to face the demons, trying to stay afloat...reading about others with a mental illness helps, makes me feel like i have friends if that makes any sense...gives me a community of people who have been down the road i've been down and when i read i find myself responding to what they are saying, reshaping it in my own voice.

but it's slow, it's so slow to get back to my "authentic voice" and i wonder what's kept me away for so long...

what's in a name?

it's been many years and i'm surprised googlism is still around. so i checked the listings for my last name, hinn, for some laughs and this time got the following info about it:

• hinn is a kook
• hinn is evidence that there is no god
• hinn is a mystic hindu
• hinn is a 40
• hinn is an american neo
• hinn is either truly crazy or downright evil
• hinn is heavily guarded
• hinn is moving to dallas to be close to the ministry's law firm
• hinn is an impressively slick televangelist operation
• hinn is about as enjoyable for me as listening to someone’s fingernails grate across a blackboard
• hinn is one of the most successful preachers on earth today and arguably the best
• hinn is an admitted necromancer
• hinn is coming to town
• hinn is a 49
• hinn is a spiritual superstar
• hinn is very sincere
• hinn is a well
• hinn is proof of this
• hinn is the poster child for horrendous theology
• hinn is about the best thing since sliced bread 
• hinn is one of those or not
• hinn is empowered by a false spirit
• hinn is teaching heresy
• hinn is coming to auckland
• hinn is a circus freak
• hinn is issued there is a change in the patient's status and the hospital feels that care would be covered
• hinn is president of cove holding

i'm back...i hope

i've forgotten this blog for so long, so damn long and it wasn't until i started writing my first novel that i realized that i haven't been in the practice of writing, that i'd lost my voice in my self-imposed silence...silence out of fear that getting too close to the to truth, getting to deep into my head would bring upon the madness again, the madness that has kept me far away from this place.

fuck the madness.

11 years here on heaven and hell...11 years to reflect on whether or not i've made a positive difference to anyone in this world in any of the many jobs i've had, wearing any of the hats i've worn. and that's a hell of a thing to think about. let's let some NIN/johnny cash in on the conversation...i'll just let the words tell you what i'm feeling, this time without interjecting...i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's realthe needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everythingwhat have i become
my sweetest friend
everyone i know goes away
in the endand you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurti wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repairbeneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
i am still right herewhat have i become
my sweetest friend
everyone i know goes away
in the endand you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurtif i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a wayso much guilt...so much self-hatred...so much wrong...

he.

for all the 13 years i've known him artificial intelligence has been his life...even after fading away from our overlords...he still collects, reads, notates, and thinks deeply about it all. if i've had to think of anyone who should have finished never could, it's j. for me? once i'd decided that the path i was on was no longer interesting to me, once i realized that i would never been healthy enough to stay in this area...i bid adieu. but watching j this past week...well, i broke down in tears when i heard his answer to my questions: "will you always chase it?"after he said yes...i cried. he asked me to me to calm down, man, it's not that big a deal. but it is because the world may never hear of the work of one it's greatest minds because this stupid place couldn't figure out how to nurture it.

 as for me? was i ever one of it's greatest minds? one of the most controversial, maddening, emotional, angry ones for sure...greatest? sometime the greatest choice is not to play.

so i'm moving. i'm leaving champaign after all these years. and i'm finding myself saying "oh this is the last time i'll do XYZ in champaign." of course my car had to totally break down yesterday...and i won't get an estimate on what the damage is until monday. sigh. the movers come tuesday and wednesday. and i'm wondering if i can just leave the damn couch that no one will take as a "gift" to my landlord. it's not like i'm going to get any of my security deposit back, right? maybe tomorrow i'll finally take some pictures of this place. i'm thinking a collage of pictures of all the for rent, for sale, and out of business signs that have flown up all over town is the only kind of photography that could really capture this place. at least for me. yeah...i, too, am going out of business in champaign, il...on to nyc....

i normally don't quote the bible but this passage from the book of job has stuck with me ever since i first heard ithave you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep?
have the gates of death been shown to you?
what is the way to the abode of light? and where does darkness reside?
have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? tell me, if you know all this."god" describes bipolar depression amazingly well...