i can't get used to the idea that after the break is over, i'll still be on break...because i've been terminated, sacked, fired, and so forth. the thing that makes me the most sad is that i'd wanted to go out with some dignity, with some kind of "hey, thanks for all that time and all those things." it would have meant a lot to me. but it's not going to happen...burn out rather than fade away.

i can't take the sting any more and there's no one who really understands...i mean understand my life, know my life and know how much it depresses me. the world is ugly and cold so often and it'd hard not to blame yourself, it's hard to bear it. but all i can do is move, keeping moving and maybe it will stop hurting in time...until the next time.

right about now the londoners are getting ready to visit IBM, which took forever and a day to set up. it's true...i would have been in bed 24/7 had i gone on the trip but what can you do? and i have only a couple more days to move out of my office...wheeeeeee!

and it's 3:30am and i'm awake.

the main trouble is that i'm starting to lose my faith in the world...not that i really had a lot but i'd thought that i'd found some pockets of humanity only to see it turn around and hit me in the face...cold hard slap to remind me that things are often an illusion and the ones you trust the most can be the first to strike you down.

no, i'm not just talking about all the ugliness going on with wimse, with the sig...it seems that once one thing falls, everything falls...and anything that you had to look forward to is suddenly gone. i can feel it all crashing down and i don't know how to stop it or even if i should in some cases. greed is all around and in surprising directions and i sometimes can't believe that people even wonder why i never like to see myself in the media and why i sometimes wish i could just disappear. and then i see the comparisons to my mother and remember how my father is so ashamed of me because he sees me as useless...and it's hard not to believe it all when it matches how you feel inside, no matter how much work you've done to try and think of things and reasons why you can't believe that only the negative is true. but when someone doesn't know you...they can wound you without truly knowing what they've done.

i know...it's a downer of a post. but it's been a downer of a month with only one exception and there's no place on the map to locate you...

t-minus any minute now for the next episode of ER...reality edition. nausea, doubled over in pain...get some food into me now now now...i wrote a letter for the ER staff because i'm sick of saying the same thing every month. maybe they'll read it. maybe they'll see that i'm not a completely worthless piece of shit like they usually do...

sigh.

and now you too...

i just need to go away for a little while. i don't know where to. just away. get on a train to somewhere, get on a plane...somewhere. because i can't see which way the surface is anymore...

i should just shut up and disappear for a little while. just disappear. will i ever find my way out? don't answer that. i shouldn't ask anymore...

back in the office...

today or tomorrow I get to go to the er...but for now...write write write ...

so i just walked to starbucks from my office and got the usual cappuccino and cupcake breakfast/lunch and i've been processing things and it seems that it might be quite possible that i have a serious reason for traveling back and forth between ireland and here in the fall but that's almost hilarious at this point considering how many things have imploded lately. actually...how many things have imploded this week in particular.

but...i ended up being able to see the positive from gdc, despite the focus on the negative. you know...we really did put ourselves out there this year. we went for broke and it seems that we're gearing up to do that again next year. exciting things are in the works. too bad things had to go crazy before i could announce them but whatever. now we know who would hang us out to dry before we got too far in. or at least hang me out to dry. but...whatever.

ugh...but this morning i was asked why i was wearing perfume all of the sudden...i used to...before...so now i am again.

hahahahaha...illinois? YOU SUCK!!!!!! hahahahahaha! VTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVT!!! VT JUST SPANKED YOUR WORTHLESS ASSES...IN BASKETBALL! SUCK IT! Especially YOU, UIUC Administration!!!! ROT IN HELL!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

HAHA Weeeeeeeee....

Yeah, time to bring out the meds...

the pain starts again, just as i predicted. i knew it was coming up, i knew a week ago that the change was coming again. live through this. i know. if i can live through the next few days of excruciating pain then it will break again. i don't know how many more times i can do this but i guess it's safe to say that i know that if i can just get past it...it will go away again...for at least a short while...until next month.

i'm not sure why this week went the way it did. i was supposed to teach a class in london starting tomorrow and now i'm out because housing didn't feel comfortable with my going and knowing that i needed to go to hospital during the trip. the sad, sad thing is that if i had only made it to london...for at least this week i'd have health insurance. something i haven't had in, wow, almost 9 months.

i'm in debt. and by a lot. $20k all in medical bills that have gone to collection. but i said all that in the last post. forgive me. i'm just starting to realize that it's really real. i've been fired from one job and my last day on my other job is may 19th. after that...i don't know. i'd say well at least i have the sig to help me through it but...nothing is certain. i know i have good friends there -- regardless and up to the administration. well, so be it. i'd rather play the walk on role in the war then play the lead role in a cage...

how i wish you were here.

any minute now and i'll need to go in for the monthly shot now that it's started again. c said that i woke him up last night to say "oh my god! virginia tech is playing illinois in basketball this friday!!!! my undergrad versus grad school!!!!" which is hilarious if you consider how much i hate both places and then after he told me this morning i said "whoa...you know dr. b's gonna say...evil parent versus evil parent."

so london's been axed courtesy of housing and the worst of it would be that if i could have only made it to london, i'd been covered by UIUC travel insurance...the first time i've been insured in nine months. and i owe over $20 grand now and...it's gone to collection. so good luck, me, in ever seeing a decent credit report score...ever.

so i have to figure this all out and everything's a mess and i wish people would leave me alone for just one fucking second so i can breathe...and sort all this out.

and i miss you more than you could ever know.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i'm going to kill the universe right now.

exhausted. attacked.

i know a lot of it is my stuff, as dr. b says. but on the other hand...what the fuck? my right arm is sprained, my kidneys are on fire, i can't wake up to save my life...and when i do for a few minutes it's only to awake to a whole slew of crap from all directions. how the FUCK am i going to live through london? god...at least it feels like home. and i hope you cry when you get there.