the statement that ranks amongst the top most bothersome things someone could say to me is "you don't seem depressed." and why is that exactly? i mean one might think that's a good thing...that i don't seem depressed because i'm so much better now.
but that's not how it is, not really. instead it sounds like this "oh you think you're depressed? yeah right." then it's not like it all just goes away...it's not like these things i take every day make everything ok and rosy and take away all the pain and shit in this world...it's not thorazine, folks.
then there are some days...i feel like it's not anything. like they aren't even working any more...and it's been 3.5 years now...maybe they aren't working any more? how long can these things last?
Monday, January 30, 2006
warning: bumpy road with nipple piercing ahead...
road sign from tallinn, estonia and it's somewhere close to the old kgb headquarters in that town, which still stands...the sign on the building says that this is the site of the torture and execution of so many estonians and i when you walk the streets of eastern europe it's hard not to reflect on what things were like before...and it makes you wonder which country is like that now...and whose history is right?
Sunday, January 29, 2006
so the latest "four things" list is going around and i've deleted a few categories because i just didn't feel like answering them or thinking about answering them.
four jobs i've had...
four jobs i've had...
- conference planner. a nightmare grad assistantship that required me to figure out who could make the best quality shrimp something-or-another for the best price
- key cutter. i now have a strange fondness for the kw-1 key blank
- window dresser. ok, maybe the dead flower and christmas tragedy scene was overkill...
- technical whore. another in a series of deadend boring-ass assistantships that required me to monitor electronic gradebook software...
- the fifth element
- defending your life
- good bye, lenin
- monsoon wedding
- a house i don't remember, washington, dc.
- an apartment on 15th and republican in capitol hill, seattle.
- a townhouse in blacksburg, virginia with four roommates, all of us in varying states of insanity.
- a flat in a council district in london.
- frasier (i know...)
- er (i know...)
- dead like me (which is...dead)
- the daily show
- reykjavik, iceland
- amsterdam, netherlands
- taipei, taiwan
- st. petersburg, russia
- seattle
- prague
- amsterdam
- vienna
hours at the museum and i'm not sure what to do right now because part of me wants to go home and veg but then i know that i have 800k things to do and, oh yeah, finish that outline of the diss to send to chip tomorrow and mystery calls on my answering machine at work from some place i've never heard of but they need to talk to me now and i'm like wtf.
but i'm zoning now and i need to leave work or i'm never going to get any work done so how much sense does that make, huh?
but i'm zoning now and i need to leave work or i'm never going to get any work done so how much sense does that make, huh?
Saturday, January 28, 2006
i can't say that i'm particularly impressed with my lack of work this weekend. friday i was in a coma, too tired to think about anything. today? just tired and anxious and messing around with winding yarn and not doing the laundry and almost getting killed while driving to walgreens in the rain and in pain as some ass tries to pass the car in front of him/her by going through my car and then i go to the museum tomorrow and i'm just realizing that mid-march will be hear in no time so i've gotta stop taking days off...and isn't that sick?
the grocery series...
yeah, this is an oldie but a goodie and was the first us grocery shot i took after taking shots of groceries and chemists overseas...
and, yes, people look at you like you're crazy when you whip out a camera and start taking pix like crazy in the groceries ALL OVER THE WORLD. but there's nothing to worried about...especially if you are already crazy.
and, yes, people look at you like you're crazy when you whip out a camera and start taking pix like crazy in the groceries ALL OVER THE WORLD. but there's nothing to worried about...especially if you are already crazy.
Friday, January 27, 2006
while i know it's friday at the same time it feels like some weird "sick day" or something. i definitely have been pushed and have pushed myself (whether i've been asked or not) over my limits...i guess "over" isn't the right term since i did get everything (well, except wimse coffee house...i totally forgot that while i was running around collecting surveys even though i had it on my schedule) that needed to get done, done.
but i find myself getting increasingly frustrated by "the little things" like, oh, late bills, the fact that i have no money, my student loan check is late and my network at home isn't working right and the power keeps going out, which means i keep having to reset everything every 3 hours...and, oh yeah, my phone's been cut off but i don't have a dime to pay the bill...and rent's due next week...i'd try to sell a kidney but, you know, maybe i'm not the best donor candidate given all the places i've travelled to and all the illnesses i've had.
and so in my adolescent psych class yesterday i was finally able to give a somewhat proper intro to our class, which has been insane due to fucking banner, the registration system and having about 15 more students than i'm being paid for (yes, dr. b, i did get the *balls* to demand a pay raise yesterday)...and i don't mind teaching a larger class, i'm not nervous or anything like that. but this is getting insane -- the students are paying more to come here and they are dropping ta positions and overloading our sections and THANK FUCKING GOD the university spent probably 800 million dollars to herald in the ron zook football era, especially since we pulled out a 2-8 record this fall (ok that was one of my RAs who pointed that out -- guess which one?). :)
but anyway back to the teaching of the class...so we talked about what is it about "18" that means we're "adults" -- are we still adolescents until we're 25? does everyone really feel that way at 18, that they are adults? it's a good question. i mean i definitely felt changed after moving out, going to undergrad, having to make all these decisions that, until then, i'd never really had to make. but i'm 35 now...and, believe me, the salary that i make...it's just not covering it. then again, where do i have to turn to? i have to figure it out every month. but, no, i'm not an adolescent...but i hope, given my work in the dorms, that i can keep understanding the powerful new life change that they are all going through and never become one of those people who thinks "oh...undergrads are SO irresponsible." well, come on...why wouldn't they be in some ways? i'm irresponsible sometimes, although i try not to be. i mean these kids are gonna slip up, problems that were hidden while they were in high school are going to unleash themselves, people will try to die while others will die without trying. so how can the university, etc say that "well, they are 18, they should know what they are doing." i mean come on...can any one of us say that in every instance in our lives we know what we're doing? no. because sometimes you've gotta learn the improv, to not tighten up when you think you're gonna crash, to admit mistakes but then try to make it right...to look out for each other because sooner or later someone will need to look after us.
but i find myself getting increasingly frustrated by "the little things" like, oh, late bills, the fact that i have no money, my student loan check is late and my network at home isn't working right and the power keeps going out, which means i keep having to reset everything every 3 hours...and, oh yeah, my phone's been cut off but i don't have a dime to pay the bill...and rent's due next week...i'd try to sell a kidney but, you know, maybe i'm not the best donor candidate given all the places i've travelled to and all the illnesses i've had.
and so in my adolescent psych class yesterday i was finally able to give a somewhat proper intro to our class, which has been insane due to fucking banner, the registration system and having about 15 more students than i'm being paid for (yes, dr. b, i did get the *balls* to demand a pay raise yesterday)...and i don't mind teaching a larger class, i'm not nervous or anything like that. but this is getting insane -- the students are paying more to come here and they are dropping ta positions and overloading our sections and THANK FUCKING GOD the university spent probably 800 million dollars to herald in the ron zook football era, especially since we pulled out a 2-8 record this fall (ok that was one of my RAs who pointed that out -- guess which one?). :)
but anyway back to the teaching of the class...so we talked about what is it about "18" that means we're "adults" -- are we still adolescents until we're 25? does everyone really feel that way at 18, that they are adults? it's a good question. i mean i definitely felt changed after moving out, going to undergrad, having to make all these decisions that, until then, i'd never really had to make. but i'm 35 now...and, believe me, the salary that i make...it's just not covering it. then again, where do i have to turn to? i have to figure it out every month. but, no, i'm not an adolescent...but i hope, given my work in the dorms, that i can keep understanding the powerful new life change that they are all going through and never become one of those people who thinks "oh...undergrads are SO irresponsible." well, come on...why wouldn't they be in some ways? i'm irresponsible sometimes, although i try not to be. i mean these kids are gonna slip up, problems that were hidden while they were in high school are going to unleash themselves, people will try to die while others will die without trying. so how can the university, etc say that "well, they are 18, they should know what they are doing." i mean come on...can any one of us say that in every instance in our lives we know what we're doing? no. because sometimes you've gotta learn the improv, to not tighten up when you think you're gonna crash, to admit mistakes but then try to make it right...to look out for each other because sooner or later someone will need to look after us.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
the main problem is how to be real and genuine in my diss writing...when the closest to real is my psycho ramblings on this thing and in the bookcase full of old journals i've filled out over all those years. but chip had a good idea today, to post what my dissertation writing schedule is on here so that you all can hold me accountable...
so the task for monday is to take the pile of insanity that goes on for 200+ pages and figure out a chatty extended outline of the shape of the whole fucking thing, not just the beginning...but the whole story. and i mean THIS next monday...the 30th. so look for my update about that then...and feel free to say "go team" or "fuck off" or "tonight's soup is clam chowder" or whatever you want in the comments area.
so the task for monday is to take the pile of insanity that goes on for 200+ pages and figure out a chatty extended outline of the shape of the whole fucking thing, not just the beginning...but the whole story. and i mean THIS next monday...the 30th. so look for my update about that then...and feel free to say "go team" or "fuck off" or "tonight's soup is clam chowder" or whatever you want in the comments area.
cloud gate, millennium park, chicago
the bean, they say, and this was taken last winter when c and i went to chicago and my students laughed last week when i said that chicago was a stranger to me and that c-u was what i knew of illinois and how has it been so many years since i last moved and i've noticed myself checking travel sites several times a day wondering if i should go to iceland for a third time since it's on sale now...
prozac 20mg
it's a brave new world and i remember saying that to l&m about the salon personals at that thai restaurant in the "new town" that's appeared in the dc 'burbs that used to be wasteland but is now littered with swank storefronts and i haven't decided how i feel yet about the town i grew up in looking different and more distant every time i return and i told c that it was like i never grew up here at all, that the dc i knew now only exists in my mind that's been cluttered for years now with the wares of eli lilly and other beasts...and all things go...all things go.
years ago...
on the floor of a room at the bellagio hotel...so depressed i wonder if my heart might stop in my sleep, maybe hoping it would so that i wouldn't have to drag myself out of it...something about nevada...the lost people...
Saturday, January 21, 2006
ipod and laptop on and i'm trying to power through all this nasty crap i have to do and i hate hate hate all the administrative shit you have to do when the semester starts. i'm getting faster at it though...basically by locking myself in my freezing office and just getting it done.
what else to do tonight? well, after the 9th survey administration in trelease (3 more to go...) i then have to complete an irb amendment and write a draft of my e3 proposal...figure out where the fuck i put the info about the amsterdam conference...and, what the hell, maybe i'll have time for a little dissertation work? maybe...i have a meeting with chip on tuesday so i'd better sit my ass down and get the rework done on my document.
and, oh yeah, i have to break up with my old thesis chair.
what else to do tonight? well, after the 9th survey administration in trelease (3 more to go...) i then have to complete an irb amendment and write a draft of my e3 proposal...figure out where the fuck i put the info about the amsterdam conference...and, what the hell, maybe i'll have time for a little dissertation work? maybe...i have a meeting with chip on tuesday so i'd better sit my ass down and get the rework done on my document.
and, oh yeah, i have to break up with my old thesis chair.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
so a switch of captain's after yesterday and i'm wondering why i hung on so long, waiting and hoping that something would change...and now i guess i was just sick of it so i finally did something about it. so chip's in charge now and the planets have aligned it seems.
and now an opportunity out of nowhere has come about where i'll be helping the displaced new orleanians in an online massively multiplayer world and who knows why that's entered the scheme of things but, hey, cool...and it matches up with my dissertation topic...so how can i say no?
2006. thank fucking god.
and now an opportunity out of nowhere has come about where i'll be helping the displaced new orleanians in an online massively multiplayer world and who knows why that's entered the scheme of things but, hey, cool...and it matches up with my dissertation topic...so how can i say no?
2006. thank fucking god.
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