ok before i post an actual update...here are the latest new searches that have led people to my blog!

• i survived dating hell and all i got was this stupid t-shirt
• comic book character death
• i want to play game about heaven and hell
• "pro club" gay redmond

you know...i've been to dating hell many times but i've never emerged with a t-shirt to celebrate the occasion. now you've heard me bitch and moan about *yawn* hearing the same old breakup lines but you know...next time? i want a t-shirt. hand me a t-shirt with "it wasn't me, it was him" on it and then that'll be that.

new! i'm a nielson family for the next week, starting thursday. if you thought tv was fucked up now...even my tivo can't figure me out.

whimper, not a bang. i saw you for you today, i saw the edges of your mask and i nearly felt sorry for you because you can't see it...not yet...and maybe not ever. maybe the illusion will never shatter for you and maybe it doesn't matter. to have and to be...fromm's words illuminated for me by your spectacular light show...smoke, mirrors...you seem...but you are not.

hahahaha. today's search engine result winner? "want to fuck in akron ohio." um, ok. i mean it's pretty damn funny what people put in search engines anyway but the fact that my blog came up with that and other fun filled search queries is pretty fucking hilarious.

yeah, i'm on a little bit of a manic high right now...but you're not super surprised are you? so i'm working on the designs for my journal quilt and i think it's coming along pretty well. i sew the first part of one of the "pages" on wednesday with a piece of my hand-dyed (yes, i dyed it myself) fabric. actually it's the back of one of the pages that i'll be sewing. it's likely that this thing will end up being super offensive but so be it.

i know that things eventually must change, that after a while we no longer can live in our comfort zones, that we can no longer count on our comfort zones even existing anymore. i wonder how close to danger i walk as i try to find something stable, someone stable. can safety exist with freedom? how much must we compromise to find "safe?"

i'm amazed...stunned...now that the mask has fully come off and your beautiful lie has completely fallen apart. and i think that it must have been so tiring for you, no wonder you needed a break...you must have been exhausted. i guess once i saw the walls start to crumble, the foundation sinking into the ground...it was better for you to run and protect your creation than to let me see what was really you...maybe i'd come too dangerously close to figuring it all out...but, dear, i have figured it out.

i loved the you that was before i said that i loved you. then...click...click...click...me, crying on the tube, at the cinema at that tragic sense of life portrayed in so many heartbreaking ways and you said it was only a book, only a movie...and yet...

and yet.

hahahaha...only your hairdresser knows for sure...but nothing keeps them from telling.

ok, remember the play? the one that was banned, the one that was too controversial? well it's being reborn...as a quilt!?!

yeah, so what? i've been cranky lately, a little "sylvia plath" lately.

reno...so many years ago now it hurts to think about...back when i still believed that if you waited long enough, if you waited until some mystical force in the universe brought you back together...that all would be well, all would be magical...someone tells me today that i shouldn't give up on you, that i should be optimistic, that you'll come back to me. and i wonder why the fuck people say things like that? i've already been there...and it's not the city you think it is...

sign that we are no longer children. remember those cash register style savings banks that we had when we were kids? well, today they are in the form of...an ATM machine, with ATM card and everything. jesus fucking christ.

latest searches that found this page:

• what the hell was i thinking blogspot
• no cd crack heaven & hell
• all your base are belong to us champaign illinois
• heaven and hell on tuesday night
• 24 hour pharmacy virginia walgreens

i'm not sure why i advertise these searches but, hey, i think it's kinda funny and who the fuck cares if you don't.

anyway i miss you but i think it's more that i just missing having love in my life again even if just for a short while, even if you didn't think of it as that...because i have nothing in particular that i want to say to you and there's nothing in particular that i miss right now...i especially don't miss how those last few weeks you made me feel less than you, less important than everything, anything else in your life, less important than getting your cable switched on...and maybe i'm being harsh, maybe i'm being mean, maybe i'm being angry right now...but maybe..."baby," "dear," "sweetheart"...i am angry...i am fucking pissed off at you...

eyes blurry and tired from nights spent awake...awake but safe from sanity slipping down any further...and i dream of my portfolio...and i dream of nyc, chicago, seattle, everywhere but here...but here i must stay until what i've started is finished and then, once again, i can move from here to there...a different here, a different there, all merge into one after a while and i remembered how you started to say that relationships take two people...and i said shut up...please don't tell me anymore...i don't need to hear that line again.

my birthday. cry if i want to. blah, blah, blah.

click. you had dyed your hair red...not fire engine red but eric stolz red...and it was longer and you were wearing some ridiculous cowboy hat and walking around downtown and i came over from across the street, although i'm not sure from where exactly...an office probably, space ship maybe...and i said that we needed to talk and in one version i'm telling you all the things i should have said to everyone my whole life but in another version the scene just fades to black. whirl.

click. we have enough ____ to put akron, ohio to ____. yeah? well, i'm not akron, ohio. you're right. we need more. whirl.

click.

click.

click.

holy. fucking. god. it's. october.

since i turn a year older later this week, i have a life tip based on my years of accumulated wisdom to offer all of you: when embossing something with a heat gun, do not place it on the carpet unless you like your floor well done.