what a long day. i'm finally, finally feeling better but there's still (always?) some chaos. yesterday my email was jammed for the second time this month due to someone sending me an enormously large file so if you sent me something and it bounced, that's why.

so i'm kind of freaked out. yesterday i got that dreaded "your dissertation is what you'll be doing for the rest of your life" speech. ok, ok...it's wasn't that dramatic. but panic inducing nonetheless. sure, i know a ton of people who have gone on to never do anything close to their dissertations again. i mean, there's the argument that you should do your dissertation that answers the questions that YOU are passionate or you'll never finish. then there's the argument that says who the hell cares because you'll hate whatever your dissertation is on forever and ever once you're done. i mean so the whole thing with yesterday is that i really trust this person and their instincts...a lot. so when he tells me that he feels like my dissertation, if tweaked, could be so much more meaningful, genre-breaking...a book, literally. well...it makes me feel like "wow...i could really do all that?" while at the same time making me feel like "shit...am i just tilting at windmills here?" so it makes my brain hurt, you know? i mean the funny thing is that we are always looking for someone to believe in us...and then when they do? we can't feel like they could possibly know what they are doing.