two more shows of this production's run! it's been a good show and i'm glad that i stuck with it. i just hate that it really has caused some major, major problems in other parts of my life. it's funny...well, sad really...whenever i try and get to the things that are most important to me personally, it seems that something else must topple and suddenly i become a great disappointment to those that saw me as an automaton, a slavish workhorse. and i hate that i just fucking can't be everything to everyone...i just have to mean something to me right now.

whoa. the pioneer 10 finally fell silent. you know...and i know this is weird...but thinking about that lonely robot spacecraft out there in space for so long, sending us data for over three decades...i think this touches me more than the columbia. i mean i am not saying that the columbia wasn't tragic. it was. but i guess the fact that this spacecraft is out there, floating, with its message of goodwill and a map back home...i don't know. it makes me wonder if anyone will ever find it. it's like a space message in a bottle. ok, ok...i guess it touches the "geek" in me...but it also touches the artist in me. this expression of self, of science, of us...we sent this message out hoping someone/something might someday find it and understand. ah...who knows. i'm a sap.

ok, three shows down and three more to go for this production's run. lucia and cece were there last night and it was fun to see them in the audience. the show finally came together -- dicey because it's experimental stuff and therefore who knows if or when things will ever sync up. but it did. and it does feel great to be involved in the performing arts again...even if it isn't in music. and hey! i guess i can now officially say that i've been a stage actor!

up next? rehearsals for my play...that is if we can get it through the censors. unfortunately we are supported by university funds and there are a lot of conservatives holding the purse strings. but we'll figure something out. :)

oh...almost forgot. i got this weird error message today. i guess win xp doesn't have the league of nations option. you think it would but maybe it's part of the antitrust settlement.

wow...two days until the invited dress rehearsal and i'm just not getting my lines down for the last piece yet!! it'll get there...

reno. thoughts of burning man and talk today about upcoming conferences in that biggest little city that several of us called home for a while. skin burning, burning...so dry...a place to dry my tears, the tears that i'd cried for way too long. some days i think about escaping to reno again, hiding in that sad, sad heart...even just for a little while.

1937.09 miles from this place...years and years from this place. sitting on the grass on the lawn of the university overlooking the strip, talking about the children playing and the sadness that i felt when i remembered. and yet i felt safe, i remember safe...in the desert sun...holding me. and i was free.

oooh. so i forgot to tell you about the conclusion to the exciting customs story. i did finally get my shipment and all was well but i was getting all these questions like "are you sure this isn't for night vision?" and "so how exactly would you develop film for a 35mm camera?" of course i have part two of the shipment still headed my way so i'm sure i'll be going through this all over again in another day or so. i mean it's coming from friggin' AUSTRIA. i dunno. maybe the duct tape on the outside of the box caused alarm because they were wondering if it was a shipment of extra tape to sell on the black market. you know. to hold up your plastic sheeting or canned food? just duck and cover. that's all you need to know.

typical conversation with j***e on im [4:15pm, cst]:

[j***e] morn
[me] hey man
[me] want to go to burning man?
[j***e] just woke up
[me] not now
[me] in august
[me] http://www.burningman.com/
[j***e] yeah i've heard of that
[me] lets go!
[me] i have an in on a camp
[me] many others are also half interested/half scared
[j***e] i'm not going
[me] ok so i'll put you down as a maybe then
[j***e] lol
ok, so who ELSE is planning on burning man? so far there's three of us semi thinking about maybe committing to it.

i don't know what to say about the weekend really. it just kind of disappeared and now i'm facing monday again and i really can't wait to go to albuquerque for spring break and see barb, lee, dave...maybe we'll all have another adventure in santa fe. it will be so nice to see all of them again...after all, i don't think i've seen any of them since greg and i started dating...or since we broke up. hmm...something to think about...what exactly was it about our relationship that caused me to doubt everything about myself so much that i was ashamed to see anyone at all?

happy valentine's day!!!

oh! i'm collecting AOL/Earthlink/MSN/Other ISP CDs plus any CDs that you would normally be discarding (like CD burning mishaps) for a remediation art project that i'm working on. let me know if you can contribute to the cause! thanks!

oh my god. i'm in big crazy trouble right now. so i ordered this new camera and some lenses from austria, by way of russia. anyway, us customs is FREAKING OUT because at some ups dispatch center in louisville, kentucky they've decided that this is dangerous machinery and there's threats of imploding the package, etc. ugh...i just hope i don't have to pay a hefty fine because that would really suck. i have to call them in the morning to get this straightened out. terrorism paranoia i guess. all i know is that on the ups tracking website, it says that my package has been seized by customs and then i received a whole series of answering machine messages on my machine when i got home from rehearsal tonight.

you know...while i like doing photography, it's really making me crazy. i mean every friggin' time i go on an airplane guess who gets the super duper deluxe treatment? and, yes, i understand...but i'm just saying...it's just hard to stay all chipper and patient as people are smearing the lenses with all kinds of clothes to check for explosive materials all while ransacking my luggage for more stuff. the most hilarious part was the last time i was on a plane and they dumped out my entire suitcase (this is a regional airport...we don't have those ultra fancy xray super scanners like at those big city slickers airports). you know...people have made fun of me for my less-than-precise packing skills. but i felt pretty justified because in the end, everyone's ransacked luggage looked the same...just like mine has always looked. :)

haha. flashback memory to aect chicago from years ago when sherry packed about 90 pounds of books in a garment bag and the guy at the roanoke airport just about died when that came off the luggage rack. ok...only barb will remember that one.

what a long day. i'm finally, finally feeling better but there's still (always?) some chaos. yesterday my email was jammed for the second time this month due to someone sending me an enormously large file so if you sent me something and it bounced, that's why.

so i'm kind of freaked out. yesterday i got that dreaded "your dissertation is what you'll be doing for the rest of your life" speech. ok, ok...it's wasn't that dramatic. but panic inducing nonetheless. sure, i know a ton of people who have gone on to never do anything close to their dissertations again. i mean, there's the argument that you should do your dissertation that answers the questions that YOU are passionate or you'll never finish. then there's the argument that says who the hell cares because you'll hate whatever your dissertation is on forever and ever once you're done. i mean so the whole thing with yesterday is that i really trust this person and their instincts...a lot. so when he tells me that he feels like my dissertation, if tweaked, could be so much more meaningful, genre-breaking...a book, literally. well...it makes me feel like "wow...i could really do all that?" while at the same time making me feel like "shit...am i just tilting at windmills here?" so it makes my brain hurt, you know? i mean the funny thing is that we are always looking for someone to believe in us...and then when they do? we can't feel like they could possibly know what they are doing.

since we are on high terror alert now, i thought that i'd encourage everyone to go old school and immediately go out and purchase items that represent paranoia when paranoia was done RIGHT!

ex libris anonymous has FABULOUS journals made from old books from the 50s and 60s. being the heathen that i am, i picked up a journal that used to be an old gold gideon bible. but there are plenty more! give jasmine your support!

for your movie watching needs, consider getting some old 16mm educational films (converted onto vhs and dvd) from a/v geeks to learn about what terrors face us in the 1980s and how to be model citizens! i have the av geeks lunchboxed set dvds. classic!

for you link lovers out there, here's an oldie but a goodie: is dick cheney dead yet? i hope that he updates it this year...guess january was chaotic for a lot of us.

alright. who's in for burning man this year??

andrea has done it again. she always totally blows me away. in her latest newsletter she shared that instead of new years resolutions, her tradition is to create a personal theme for the year to live by. so in honor of that most kick ass idea...my theme this year is:

becoming. living the life of my true self without compromise.

and while we're at it, she shares this concept from her favorite writers, rob brezsny, that's sooooo much better than paranoia:

pronoia...the sneaking suspicion that the whole world is conspiring to shower you with blessings; the growing conviction that life is inherently designed to liberate you from suffering, fill you with joy, and make you really smart.

cool.

ugh...and it's not just a cold now. it's pneumonia. great. this has been a 100% frustrating day. i think i might just call it a night and try again tomorrow for better results.

sick...i'm unbelieveably sick right now...oy...where's cold detox when you need it?

sitting here at way-too-fucking-late-o'clock and wondering if this cold/flu will ever leave me and also wondering how come no one has come up with the rapid detox solution for the common cold. you know how they can put people into short comas while they go through the worst part of drug detox? i want something like that for the head colds. yeah, yeah...i know...there's nyquil. give me a fucking break. child's play. let's face it...it's just not that great. no, i'm thinking of something on a much grander scale. i mean wouldn't it be lovely to just be in a drug induced coma while the worst of the cold is there? i mean would that work? could that work? i mean we might as well be knocked out for a few days, right? it's not like we're super efficient workers while we are typing with one hand and blowing our noses with the other. not to mention we look like absolute hell and being in a short coma would keep you from feeling even worse because you wouldn't catch a glimpse of your pale green skin, red eyes, and...uh...ok. you get the point.

anyway...bunkadoo, a.k.a. jeromenome, has a great idea about v-day cards. he wants to bring back the days where we gave valentine's cards to our friends and it wasn't this national day of mourning for all the unattached. and marion will appreciate this flashback to emporium daze...all these years and still no one has marketed that damn ftd death bouquet (tm) idea i came up with while we were selling all those god damn roses back in the 'burg. i'm still telling you that it would work. when you hate enough to send the very worst.