are you tired?

my father collapsed at a dinner last night. he's ok now but we are still waiting to hear what might have caused it. kind of makes the whole breakup thing seem like a bad hair day in comparison, eh?

so i'm not sure where exactly you'll be able to get a copy of this cd but if you happen upon sadstyle, grab it. i'm not too sure about this all music site though...irene cara's what a feeling is a related cd??? uh, yeah. compare and contrast some sample lyrics:

what a feeling
by irene cara

what a feeling
bein's believin'
i can have it all, now i'm dancing for my life
take your passion
and make it happen
pictures come alive, now i'm dancing through my life
what a feeling

pathetic
by s

hope you feel
like you've lost this game
i hope you feel
like you're missing something
i hope you cry
when you get home
are you missing me?

yeah...pretty damn close.

fuck...i hate when i lose a post that i was working on...

jesse and i saw the new star wars at this great little 1920's art deco theatre in the middle of nowhere (yeah, more middle of nowhere than here) with the best sound system in this state outside of chicago. we both really liked the movie, with the exception of the supposed *love* story. the guy who was managing the theatre told jesse and i this great story about how his wedding reception was at that theatre and about how they showed slides of their courtship (yeah, he used that word) on the screen during the reception. and it was quite a touching story, actually. you kind of had to be there. and on the way we passed a little town called hope (i'm serious). and maybe there is still that in spite of everything. it would be nice to believe in that.

it's raining like crazy out there. my car is in the shop. i missed a meeting this morning. good.

so my hair is now black. comic book black, complete with that blue-ish sheen to it! and i feel a bit different now. as jesse says, it gives me a new view of things from the edge. boy this is going to surprise a lot of people when they see it, especially those that missed it the first few times around!

...and above all, remember to keep your head up.
otherwise, no one will see you've been crying.

i am numb and it brings me comfort for a time. i want to feel nothing right now as to feel anything more would shatter me. i have felt enough of grief for now and i have had enough.

i want so badly to know. jesse tells me that all it would be would be a story, some kind of list of possible reasons that are useless. like trying to describe why exactly you hate a song...trying to get to the essence of the thing would prove quite fruitless. why does love die? there are simply no easy answers and probably no real truth to be had.

these things inside me are silent like glass.

so i've decided to dye my hair tomorrow. black again. remember black? when was that exactly? at least twice...once in undergrad and once in my second year of grad school?

what exactly am i supposed to end? greg once said that i shouldn't read so much in dreams. but i believe that dreams are the things that help us try and make sense of the world. because god knows it sure doesn't make a damn bit of sense as is.

so you'll figure it out soon enough i suppose. i've been crying all day and i'm sure that i'm far from through. now i know for sure that the wind isn't the coldest thing in the city this time.

do you believe in true love? my faith in it is waning. so why the hell do we do this? got any answers out there?

so it seems that the dream does not yet have resolution and i don't know what to make of that yet. it's getting very late now and my eyes are so puffy that i can hardly see right now. i wish that i had some valium. but apparently i do not. so if i want the fairy tale, i have to end it. did dating greg end it? that is, end the cycle that i was in? or am i still in it?

"...but if i thought this was starting over i should have known i'd be the same i should remember this is all i am this is all i'll ever be..." (sarge)

song two

end of july

by sarge
------------------

drove the nine hours home at the end of july to find your face gone sheets gone bare walls white

and i guess that i understand this that you had to leave but this is nothing like what you promised me

see i don't wanna know what you did the months i was away can't see another sunrise drunk in milwaukee or have any more ash on my arms to explain

took off all of my clothes and wondered the rooms tried to remember every crack in the paint instead of remembering you

i took a shower and found your soap scrubbed you off for hours then gave up hope

but at the end of july all my plans changed 'cause baby i thought a few months apart might keep us together

but at the end of july all my plans changed and i've never been good at distant

but i'm getting better.

song one

the color that your eyes changed
with the color of your hair

by carissa's wierd [sic]
--------------------------------------------------

seal this
envelope with
a heart that's true
beaten black
beaten blue
beaten all over again
don't leave out a single thing
send it off with wings
the anecdote to ease
the pain that you feel
every time that you smile at the mirror.

i won't need any more memories for the next fifty years i could still write you love songs and
i won't need any more photographs to remember the color of the clothes you wore that night.

hopefully this won't sound as bad
as i am sure that it is
all results will be lifeless and lead to an excuse
to never try again
to never try at all
staring up at the ground
'cause oh how we tried
and oh how you lied
but how could that be true?

i won't need any more memories for the next fifty years i could still write you love songs and
i won't need any more photographs to remember the color that your eyes changed with the color of your hair.

my heart is gone
my heart is gray

oh my god...literally. apparently piecora's in seattle has become a chuch/restaurant. how can that be? yeah...great idea...capitol hill church restaurant.

hmm...apparently with blogger pro i can bring back my old blog entries if i so choose. we'll see.

i've been thinking a lot about this time last year lately. there's always something about the spring and i'm just starting to figure out what that might be. the pattern is not wholly what i thought it was. i've changed one thing. and it has led me to something wonderful. but i think that it is now time to finally go back and acknowledge what actually happened years and years ago. it's time.

i'm a little disappointed that i'm not going to get to go to the wedding in ann arbor. i mean i know that the plan was more than a bit impractical...but i still kind of wanted to go and get some context for all those stories. you know how i like context and all.

yeah, yeah. it's may already. no entries for april. sue me.