it's 3000 million degrees in the city but the good news is that i finally found makeup that matches my paler than pale skin. there are all these products with "double white" and "pale freshness" in the title and that's a little nutty but cool for me. meanwhile pepperage farm cookies are everywhere and i guess that's the big import snack for them from the us.

an earthquake -- 6.0 -- was last night and it's the most popular talk at the conference -- everyone has a popular earthquake story to tell.

onward to chicago then taipei in the morning and i'm sure people will be getting postcards as a way of hearing from me for the first time this year and now i'm heading to asia for the first time with pre-made cards to hand to taxi drivers to tell them where to drive me to and god an 18 hour flight (including a touch down in tokyo) ahead what do you do on a plane for nearly a day hopefully i'll have an aisle seat or i may have to tell the person in the aisle seat that if they dont get up they'll throw a blood clot and die and meanwhile i still haven't said anything about the j.o.b. but maybe i'll go get some kind of enlightenment in taiwan you never know you never know, right?

from the e3 website: as a precautionary measure, bomb dogs will be on-site.

shit.

bright lights, sad city

vegas strip, the traffic at night...i need to go where the night has no end because it seems that the sun burns more and more lately...

you know what? i think they've found the blog. i mean one week and complete silence...makes me wonder...

so some ex-people in my life have been spotted on the scene calling themselves "artists" and it's ab-so-fucking-lutely pissing me off. so you once used the word "photograph" in conversation and now you're an artist. so you once walked into a gallery to use the bathroom? artist! you knew someone once who had a sister who had a friend who played the cello? artist! i am so sick of these pomo shitheads making the scene and it makes me want to scream in their faces...that is if i could stand seeing them face to face...i mean, fuck. so, ok, if i ran around saying i was the queen of england, i'd be locked up in a second. how 'bout these fuckers? KARMA POLICE! AFTER THEM!

depressed in las vegas

almost translucent, stuck in las vegas. so depressed that i wonder if my heart might stop in my sleep, maybe hoping it would...lost, confused...lying still, staring up at the ground for what seemed like years...what ended up being years...i'd find you a month later...i'd be ready to find you a month after that...i'm glad you were still on board...

chicago's cloud gate

c and i took a trip to see the lights festival along michigan avenue last november. one night we walked through millennium park...this picture is of the weirdly cool cloud gate.

more of my pix...

posting and posting and posting on flickr and i'll soon be posting more pictures on my blog but i'm too wired and weird and winded to do any of that right now and my contacts hurt my eyes and i'm trying to lose all that thyroid weight before the conference in taipei and sometimes i really have to ask myself why the fuck i get myself into these situations in the first place?

i'm trying to find some peace in this world that right now doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense. i'm angry at how bureaucracy creeps in to people's sense of humanity...fuck...to the point that they just become unthinking and unfeeling machines and i can't tell you how many times "ok computer" has marched through my brain today. people fear that there will be a time where computers become too human. but fuck, something's gotta act human, right? i mean it's fucking women's month and all i am getting is women pushing away from the situation...HELLO WTF WHAT IF THIS WAS YOUR DAUGHTER????

in the dorm, last night, slices of humanity in those who are younger...and i want to hug them all and tell them that they are worthwhile, that they are doing good jobs, and to never stop caring, never stop thinking, never stop.

as long as the sky exists
and as long as there are sentient beings
may I remain to help
relieve them of all their pain

(shantideva)

i'm a gdc star. lol.

no surprise here but i have to say this anyway, that the world fucking sucks some days...without a doubt. i mean how can someone with as much shit on their record as our secret friend keep getting passed forward, into my turf, again and again and again. our secret friend is one of those sociopath types who sends a chill down your spine every time you have to interact with them. and you feel that you've failed because they are still there. you beat yourself up, feeling like javert did in not understanding that people can change. but unlike valjean...the secret friend is out there to do harm. the secret friend is evil in its purest form. the secret friend is a sociopath and the game is not turning out in humanity's favor.

my monthly curse is here and it's worse than it's been in the last few months but at least it's better than the alternative that i thought might have been true and, you know, i'm all for generic brands but when it comes to things like that...something about the brand you know helps ease your mind.

cold, rainy, and a screaming girl landed at my door, hurt, wet, muddy, drunk, hair missing due to chemo she said...chemo but not for cancer, just chemo...and i could hardly understand what was happening but i drove her home, gave her a coat and a towel, and i hope she's going to be ok...

it's spring break -- woot -- which means i get a week to do some of my own shit for a change and that's especially nice after all the fallout from nightmare campus drinkfest 2k5 a few weeks ago. so for break i have a list about 3 pages long of things "to do." yeah, it's completely and overly ambitious but whatever.

i overdid it today at the gym -- i knew i was going to do that one of these days. something about catching a bit of dr. 90210 on tv and watching fat being removed from some woman's legs inspired me to run like hell on the treadmill because it seemed to me a less painful, less gross option than lipo...

back from gdc and i'm groggy but glad to be home, even if i did leave everything in a total mess before i left...

i'm...so....tired. gdc 2005 is coming to an end tomorrow...more when i've had some sleep...

wow. so this is a new one on me. hfg it's march, by the way. so the uni has this unoffical st. patrick's day so that the bars can make money on st. patrick's day, which usually falls over spring break (or at least when the undergrads have started leaving for spring break). i'm a ta for a class that meets on friday afternoon. "unofficials was today, a friday. bars opened at 8am.

ok. so what. i did shit like that when i was their age. the catch was...today was the day that their group projects were due...and i couldn't reschedule it because it's a multisection class and the schedule was set by the lecturer, not me. well, i knew it was coming up, i told my class to please hold off in drinking until after their presentations. and they didn't. and boy...boy, they didn't. 3/4 were completely drunk. they might think that they were able to pull it off, that maybe i wouldn't notice how loud they were talking, the slurred speech, the incoherent statements, the way their eyes glazed over. but they would be wrong. who better to tell than someone who knows all the signs because they've done it themselves? i guess.

oh...if only they hadn't put me into this position...fuck.

so what would you do if you were in my position? there's a girl that i supervise who is in serious trouble, the kind of serious trouble that i know all to well and too personally. so far she's been talking to all kinds of people in the uni cya manditory sense but no one that can really really identify with her situation, no one who has been there before. so do i do what my heart aches to do? cross that line and reach out to her? am i ready for that kind of group therapy? am i sane enough, healthy enough to walk forward with her? do i dare? do i dare.

woot! check out the latest issue (feb 2005) of game developers magazine, available at most borders bookstores but also online (for a fee you can download the mag). my game developers conference session at next month's conference in san fran is mentioned as an editor's choice session!!! omg wtf. woot!

pickled herring aisle

pickled herring aisle uploaded by vrgrrl.




joensuu finland, that damn town located somewhere between bored and panicked and me in a grocery taking hundreds of crazy photos...these are mediocre times and people are losing hope...