new york is lonely. i wish we could live in the city but we're in the nyc "greater area" right now because it's where chris works...five minues from the bronx but nowhere close to a train...and i have no car.

my shrink fired me after the stunt i pulled in september and since then, even in illinois, i haven't had that support structure in so long that i can hardly remember what it was like. and it seems that all the good programs and therapists are in the city and require the 4x/week kind of analysis...which is great but if i do it? that would become my life. i thought about calling columbia tomorrow about their program there...not sure it's feasible but i'm not sure that NOT doing it is feasible either. especially when my mind flashes...when my mind thinks of the bridge, THAT bridge...tappan zee...and how close we are to it.

black clouds in my brain...eyes dialated...the world seems to cave in and i think of that free fall...i think of it all day. i think of it all day...day after day.