too much to write but i've landed on a good idea...to pretend that i'm giving the long form of my accessibility talk and write it down as is...dissertation by powerpoint...something like that. at any rate...i'm writing at least.

i think i forgot to say that it was the 6th anniversary of my blog recently, which is even more depressing when you think back to all the years...but i can't think of that now...i can't, i can't...because if i do, i'll get stuck back there trying to figure out what doesn't even matter any more...and...after a while...it gets old.

i realized that i have one more thing to do at my old job before it's really done and done and i just hope that she hangs on...

it's hard to know what to say about last week other than to think that it was not really real and to remember thinking that each day took about a week to get through. and this week? kidney infection #3 -- third in three months -- and i'm wondering what the fuck is up with that, should i be worried, etc etc etc. so this is the THIRD antibiotic i've been on to try to clear this up and this one is nastier and stronger than the last...it's hard not to start freaking out about antibiotic resistance...and the fact that this one was prescribed without any idea if it was going to work because the culture takes two days to grow (is there no way of speeding that up? can i bring it to c's lab?).

so i'm going to take a nap now but i wrote everything down on a piece of paper just in case i get too sick to remember it.

local abc news caught me at the office earlier when i was pretty much there solely to avoid hearing any more of the news of vt...by that time it was just the same endless loop over and over and over again...i never bothered to watch the news...who cares if i was on it or not. i was simply their "local perspective/wow there's someone in this town who went to VT" go-to girl and i've gotta say...i'm really, really getting sick of the media.

so speaking of, i get this email from this comm prof here who decides that today's the day he's going to say that while the media was covering VT, there was a much more sinister plot in the making about some postal tax increase, "big media" crap, the government are a bunch of crack head whores. no, the prof didn't say that last bit but it was such a stupidly timed email by this guy that, yeah, bipolar superhero woman reacts by emailing him back and saying "you know...you are in JUST as bad taste as the right wing media who are taking advantage of the VT thing...you just did the same fucking thing on the left side...shame on you." and then i thought about why i was probably on his mailing list and i'm sure that any second now someone else from that department is going to say something "profound." i can hardly wait.

they are covering it still on the news, all night, all night and i woke up remembering the classes i had in norris and i remembered you all of the sudden...when we'd run out of class...off to drive around the drill field again, young and both still alive...i've heard from so many these last 24 hours but i know i won't hear from you and i'm wondering what you must be thinking about all this...what all of you who are "you" must be thinking about all this...

and aj...interesting that you are a part of the collective "you" with the same name...i heard from them, from all of them, those who are our children now...they must be our children...and the kids are alright. but they are scared and lost...more so than we ever were...

perhaps. i don't know. i don't know if it's fair to compare the surreal with the unreal...or know which is which.

ut prosim...that i may serve...

oh yeah...i was in an article in the chicago tribune the other day (if you can't access it with the link, search with my last name and avoid the articles about the "hinn" that isn't my relative who is apparently getting medical treatment somewhere in south africa and is getting flack for it...not sure why but i don't care that much to add any more to the story in my brain or on the blog).

and even my doctor was surprised to find out that pain clinics don't treat pain...

maybe the way this was all supposed to work was because we were in the same situation in so many ways and were the only ones who really could relate to it and neither expected anything from it...it always reminds me of that book, age of innocence...only this time it takes place later, much later...and none were wayward stations...

attention non-us readers -- do you know of any health clinics in your country that uses RU-486 for non-abortion uses? there are many studies that suggest that the RU-486 in low dosages can be a miracle for people like me with endometriosis. but...thanks to this damn country's puritan laws, we can hardly get it for abortion and you literally have to be dying (with "end of life" date on the books) to use it off-label and only for things like ovarian cancer.

anyway...let me know if you know of anything.

i ran into s at mckinley and i told her that whatever she chooses to do, do NOT feel that you'd be letting me down if you took the job...i hate the madness, the mad world...all around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces
bright and early for their daily races
going nowhere, going nowhere
and their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression, no expression
hide my head i want to drown my sorrow
no tomorrow, no tomorrow
and I find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which i'm dying
are the best I've ever had
i find it hard to tell you
'cos i find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it's a very, very
mad world
children waiting for the day they feel good
happy birthday, happy birthday
made to feel the way that every child should
sit and listen, sit and listen
went to school and i was very nervous
no one knew me, no one knew me
hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
look right through me, look right through me...i'm not sure how many lives have been saved and lost but this play is over for me...it makes no difference what the spin is, really...it doesn't...for once in my life i know that i made an impact and the ones who couldn't dare to stay an extra hour even when it literally made the difference between life and death...well, they lost what they never knew they had...it was easier to let me go than to admit that their house of cards was falling down around them.

i'm supposed to meet up with them to talk about everything that i know...but i think even if i did that...it wouldn't matter...because they can't hear it...they just can't hear it...