flu. that's about the last thing i needed to come down with...ok, let's get real...i could have come down with pretty much anything and it would have been the last thing i needed. so revised...illness. that's about the last thing i needed to come down with.

it's probably time to change my mind on that whole vaccine thing.

so i'm up. it's 2am. i'm freezing because i'm in the living room, which has major ass draft. i'm watching some damn show called platinum weddings and it's irritating me. so i must change channels. i don't care about watching people with an extra hundred grand or so to spend on ONE FUCKING DAY.

but the good news is that it's looking good for me getting a raise, which is about fucking time. i have no clue what the details are on that. but at least there's now hope.

sometimes i worry that these drugs i take to *normalize* are doing anything but that. yeah, we've been through this before. i mean i was afraid to take anything for way too long but the cocktail i'm on...i'm just not sure it's really helping much...maybe i expect too much. maybe i just need to accept that i'll always be this way and that it's ok. or is that giving in too much? giving up rather than acceptance...

my personal version of ocd is having to have everything "just right" in any document i'm working on before i can feel "ready" to write. the bullshit part of what i just said is that i do my best writing on the fly and in a hurry and my worst when i have everything set up "just right." so how to remedy this?

so i just need to tell some stories...just start to tell some stories...not just story snippits like you see here but stories...most of the whole damn truth of the matter. something like that. then i have to go through a bunch of bullshit bureaucratic crap with my college -- like the new thesis checker approval for every god damn step of the way. why? what the hell kind of waste of time is that? it's not like any phase is going to look like the last phase and besides...how many faculty members know the grad college's thesis format requirements by heart or even enough to give a shit?

hoop.

hoop.

hoop.

speaking of wastes of time, i had to take that damn ethics exam that the state requires from all university employees and guess what? here's all you need to know: don't steal money, don't accept gifts from contractors trying to gain favor with the state/university (of course how would you know this unless you had the time to waste pouring over every goddamn piece of paper in this place?), and don't politic during work hours. got it. whatever. but i wish i worked in a department where filling it out was crossing the picket line...honestly? i can't afford the $5k penality from my department. but a certain other academic department is banding together and NOT filling it out to fight the system to say that it would be unethical to fill out the ethics exam with the answers that they want because by doing that (see question #10), you pretty much violate the whole damn system by answering it correctly (ie, "yes").

but it's not MY department. of course not. instead we pay attention to procedure, as procedure is important to follow because that's what good citizens of freedom do...follow...follow...follow the rules because if you don't then the terrorists win. i remember when there was some point of my life where i believed that our college was somehow counterculture. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. we're so far up the administration's ass it's ridiculous.

i know i know...don't hold back. tell me how you really feel.

back from canada, back now for days but i'm so tired and i guess it's most likely anemia, right? time for more iron pills...

weirdness...the room service breakfast guy who i've seen every morning this week...turns out he is syrian and the thing is? his mother's last name was our original last name...and then he asks if i have relatives in nebraska. uh...yeah. my grandfather GREW UP there!

it is an amazingly small world and i think that this week i met the man my grandfather might have been had he never met my grandmother...uncanny.

time to go to the airport now...

influential gamer? not sure that's the right title for me but it is a nice article. what's funny is that the news comes from the college i work for rather than the college i'm in. actually it's not funny at all. but i'm pretty used to it. i should be. by now.

Multimedia message

snow...wind...hitting me in the eyes and it's hard to take a picture of snow that's so wild and fast.

red against white. and the man at the counter demanding valium and the pharmacist said that it happens every day, she was just going to call security. my whole being is the canadian flag and will i have to pay for the damages to the linens?

i made it through the presentation...and then went to an urgent care clinic because i was in more than enough pain and guess what i left in chambana? my period seriously is a week early. so i discovered canadian medicine. it seems much more calm. yeah, it's just as slow as us ERs...only they believe that you are actually in pain. and the nurse even double checked my blood pressure after they gave me the shot because she was worried that my blood pressure might get really low after the shot because it was already so low to begin with. i clearly favor my grandfather on that issue...

so this conference has been pretty unfun for me...i did get to talk to a canadian broadcasting company reporter about game accessibility, though, and that was cool. hopefully they will air it...he said he'd email to let me know later when it would be available on their website. oh...did i tell you that i was named one of the 100 most influential women in the game industry? yeah that was shocking. but cool.

so here's what i'm think of for next summer (my target "prize" for defending my dissertation. go to china for HCII and then spend a few weeks travelling around asia and then hit digra/tokyo game show then i don't have to endure four 18 hour flights a month apart in time and maybe i can see hong kong, thailand, vietnam, maybe korea unless that loon in north korea has blown up the whole region...that would significantly damper that trip...

and, no, i'm not leaving ontario until friday so that gets me another day away from the latest airline/airport mess thanks to that baseball player flying into a new york apartment building and then jesse and i pretending we were fox news covering "the hidden terrorist agenda" no matter what the truth actually turned out to be...but tomorrow is thesis super work day now that the conference is done and done tomorrow morning and there's nothing i'm particularly interested in seeing tomorrow morning so it was technically done and done today.

Multimedia message

downtown london ontario, taken from a starbucks (i'm always taking mobile phone pix from a starbucks...why?

Multimedia message

work in the middle of the night, trying to get organized, trying to get into some kind of routine...mostly failing...as the cramping started to roll in...

Multimedia message

london, ontario at night...while i was up until 4am cramping...it was outside raining and this shot is blurred...but the fedex kinkos sign only has the "ex-kink" lights working...

another thing...so 5 people in the us and 2 people in canada have entered hospital and are completely paralyzed by the botulism in cartons of carrot juice that had been recalled yet still on the shelves at stores. first of all...what the fuck? first spinich, then lettace...now carrot juice. second...why were they drinking carrot juice anyway????

btw, a handfull of people have walked up to me and said "aren't you one of the 100 most influential women in the games industry?" is it the red hair?

posting from futureplay conference...free wifi all over this damn town, which is apparently has 350k people living in it but there's no way i believe that. so anyway, the morning was spent looking for pharmasave for pain killers because, yes, of course that time of month is starting but it's between 800mg of advil and 5 mg hydrocodone on the pain scale...so luckily this is canada so i was able to buy tylenol with codeine (along with caffeine so now i'm buzzing from the caffeine, which at least makes me feel less sleepy). must be nice to live in a civilized country...speaking of which...

the other day c and i were walking around downtown and we passed by this other couple who was talking in disbelief about "how dare there be an anti-american protest" (read: it was probably an anti-war protest...remember we live in bush country where everything is black or white) and if they hate this land of the free so much then they should go to iraq. uh, yeah, well...that's the point of the protest...we've fucked up iraq so much that the people of iraq are no doubt saying "wow. thanks...thanks a lot for completely wrecking our country." so perhaps our "either you love america or you hate it" couple can go visit iraq themselves and see what we've done there...maybe we all should.

anyway, this afternoon when i arrived for the talks i wanted to see...i saw one on qualitative research and i was like FUCK YEAH they JUST gave me a place to, well, place my dissertation. basically the talk...just that talk made it 100% worth the trip to ontario. i could see no other talks and that would be ok because i saw that talk. the light at the end of the tunnel just got a lot brighter.

fuck yeah.

in london ontario where it seems to be a post-industrial crash flint michigan crossed with champaign-urbana...kinda. it's definitely a college town, apparently one of the largest universities in canada is the university of western ontario. but a lot of the reason for the desolate downtown, i imagine, is the fact that today is canadian thanksgiving so the only restaurant open was at my hotel and a pricey $35 (canadian) for a swanson's tv dinner...ok, it wasn't that bad. but it wasn't that good either.

it seemed that people seemed uncomfortable by my having a table for one but fuck it. i mean it's not like i'm not used to having thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant...and it's not my thanksgiving anyway (we, however, in the states are *celebrating* columbus day...). but, you know, it was no big deal for me and there's no way i was paying room service charges. christ.

i've mapped out pharmacies in the local area and i really don't think i'm gonna have a problem getting the canada-only cramp meds...

first post in october and what do you know...it's my birthday.

it's been a strange day...but it's not like that really sets the day apart from any other of my days. i'm still pretty weirded out by the fictional conversation that happened last night. and i'm wearing the shoes i bought at century 21 next to the world trade center back in, uh, 1998 but the strange thing is that they are back in style, at least here in the US. and i'm wearing red lipstick and it dawns on me that you can't really pull off red until you've hit your 30s. you just end up feeling like a clown any time before that...

no word from my family and i suppose i deserve that. i really don't know anymore...but, you know? they forgot my 18th birthday too...funny.

i never really liked baltimore all that much and not much has changed and as you might have guessed i'm tired, recovering and brought to you by the following pharmaceutical companies...

it dawned on me that i really DON'T have to do three people's jobs for the same $/per hour that kinkos is hiring for. so fucking what if we just bail on the study? who the fuck cares if the damn bulletin board never changes? and why should it be my fucking job to answer to parents about why someone else promised the sun, moon, and stars (in the form of tutors) and then bailed and left me with the whole fucking mess? here's my answer: "yeah, wow, you are right. this is one fucked up situation. believe me, i'm right there with you since they owe me half a house in back pay by now. here's the direct number to call ____ ______ and complain."

it does not matter. all i can do is hold up my end of the deal, work my 20 hours (which sometimes are worked all in one day!), and the things that don't happen? well, they just won't. i will not, not, NOT be the martyr here. i will not, not, NOT fuck up graduation...again. i will not, not, NOT let big administration tell me that it's all up to me. no. i will not be the business manager, i will not run the paper, i will not be trapped in a position where i am doing EVERYTHING and losing my mind all without any power/respect/whatever to actually DO things. my job is as a grad assistant NOT as cleaner upper of all the problems that others left in their wake. i will see THAT job through but i will not, not, NOT do the jobs of all those who left me in this mess. again, the direct number to call is ____ - ______ and ask them what the fuck is up?

seriously...or more seriously...it would be a disservice to my girls if i let housing trample me down until i'm sick. that's exactly NOT what i want them to see. instead...they should see me do what needs to get done to graduate and not get caught in a depressive tidal wave doing well more than my share of the workload.

i will not let them reverse this on me. i will not believe that i have to accomodate to avoid abandonment. i will not let them tell me that they honestly give a shit about my graduation. because they don't. or they would have come in and done the work that needs to be done instead of just assuming i'd do it and sacrifice my needs, my life, my goals for the good of the party. because i will not, not, NOT.

call 1-800-eat-shit, motherfuckers. yeah, i DO have problems with authority, especially authority that does not step up to the plate. and i SO do not have a problem with saying that your number is up. i'm calling you on it. your time is over.

i hope you cry when you get home.

christ.

christ.
Originally uploaded by vrgrrl.

ok so this is the sign below a poster of a woman touching a statue of jesus (no, it's not obscene) that i saw in helsinki and it reminded me of yesterday's pharmacy trip...

so two nuns walk up to the pharmacy counter...to pick up a refill of vicodin. apparently she has severe cramps...this is what i overheard as she was trying to help the pharmacist find her prescription (was it under "sister" "margret" or, wait, do nuns have last names? anyway it was crazy). she said she didn't really like taking it but then her nun friend said but at least you can be at peace that you've tried everything.

so two nuns...vicodin. severe cramps. and all along they are saying "oh my GOD, thank GOD the other two sisters left town with all the DRAMA going on" and i'm like, wtf? nuns can talk like that? what kind of drama could be going on that god had something to do with making sure two other nuns got out of dodge?

so two nuns...vicodin. severe cramps. THANK GOD that she could get a prescription filled WITH REFILLS. god. god. god. is there a god? who knows? there must be if they get pain meds for the exact same damn thing i have when i would probably have an easier time scoring heroin. no i haven't tried...i just assume it has to be easier. thanks god...you must fucking hate me or "it's not in your plan" which was the other crap they were blathering on about.

so two nuns. vicodin. severe cramps. and, oh, the pharmacy was out of prozac. that's ok. you can just substitute pain meds before i rip my utereus out as payment and demand my change back from the register.

2
nuns

ah, fuck it.

i'm pretty sure i've never been this tired before. i just ache all over, can hardly stay awake...all i want to do is take a week off to sleep...and that isn't gonna happen unless i end up in hospital...and even then that is only gonna be a temp solution because when the week's up...it'll be catch up time on all the stuff i missed and back to the insanity as well.

i feel like i'm doing a shitty job on everything, my classes suck so far (and i'm the instructor, so that's not good...), wimse's barely hanging on, there are no rooms for anything (classes, programs, etc), my dissertation? what the hell is that?

the doctor said that the stories of saints don't end well. we'll i can't be much of a saint if i'm running around trying to get bible studies shut down because of that little thing we call "separation of church and state" and this *is* a public university...of course then there's "freedom of assembly"...but then we *are* in a housing facility that is *supposed* to have restrictions on who can reserve the VERY limited space we have thanks to all the lounges being shut down and i'm sorry...i can't get space to teach my class but a church can book every lounge for 5 hour stretches in the evenings?

and my cat can barely walk because i brought her to the damn vet to get her annual check up and *somehow* they burst both her eardrums and now has a massive infection.

and all i feel like doing is pulling over on the side of the road and crying...

Multimedia message

random meijer photo

btw, i never did put up that article that got written about me in the local paper, the news gazette, on apr 16, 2006games that reach out

video games are a part of modern life for a lot of adults as well as kids, michelle hinn says. people talk about the latest games like they talk about the latest episode of the "sopranos" or the latest best-selling book. some online multiplayer games are, in fact, little societies in and of
themselves.

hinn, a university of illinois doctoral student, is doing her dissertation on social interactions and learning among college students in such games, which she became interested in during a stint working for microsoft. here's no law saying that games have to be accessible," hinn said.

while a few game developers have begun to include accessibility features -- "half life 2" sported closed-captioning and the adventure game "terraformers" was designed to be played solely by sound as well as visuals -- hinn is working to make the practice widespread.

she founded the international game developers association game accessibility special interest group, has chaired it the last two years and is running for a seat on the association's board [note: well...that didn't end up working out but, hey, it was my first effort in game politics]. at the 2006 game developer's conference in san jose, calif., last month, she was one of three people who received an MVP award from the association. she works internationally with other people promoting and developing accessible games and is co-writing a book on accessible game development for charles river media, a computer books publisher.

she's also started a software company, donationcoder, with friend jesse reichler, a doctoral student in computer science at the UI, and is starting a consulting business centered on accessible game development.

"i'm just trying to create my own job basically," hinn said jokingly.

she does all this in between, among other things, teaching classes at the UI and serving as a counselor and instructor for the women in math, science and engineering section of the florida avenue residence halls, a classroom and residential program for women majoring in scientific and technical fields.

hinn is the rare person older than 30 that college students think of as "cool," said piper hodson, who directs the women in math, science and engineering program.

hodson thinks that's due in part to "street cred" from having worked for a big-name tech company like microsoft and also a result of hinn's research, which gives her a feel for youth culture.

"energy" is a word that seems to come up when people talk about hinn, including UI professor bertram "chip" bruce, her dissertation adviser. bruce said he's excited about the insights that could come from hinn's research using games as a window into understanding how young people collaborate, learn from each other, interact and share information. "i think michelle is doing terrific work," he said.

jason della rocca, executive director of the international game developers association, wouldn't disagree. "she's full of energy and excitement and really has a drive to advocate for building accessibility into video games,´ he wrote in an e-mail. "she is an exemplary leader and has done so much to organize and coordinate the efforts of the IGDA's game accessibility SIG -- one of our most active groups."

besides closed-captioning and audio games for the blind, hinn said games can be made more accessible in a variety of ways. for example, designing them so that the controls can be remapped by the user to allow game play to be conducted easier with a mouth stick or the feet. likewise, font sizes and colors could be adjustable for people with low vision.

members of the game accessibility group hinn chairs created a game modification program, or mod, for doom III that allows not only closed-captioning for dialogue, but also for ambient sounds that tell a gamer an enemy is close.

game consoles also could be made to more easily accommodate alternative controller hardware, hinn said, like a finger pad to allow someone in a wheelchair to play the popular footwork game "dance dance revolution" with friends.

"each group is going to have their own different need," hinn said. she noted that accessibility can have advantages for game companies beyond the new customers with disabilities it may yield for them. for instance, "switch," or one-button, games easily usable by the disabled also work well on cellphones, a growing and potentially lucrative game market.

hinn, who should finish her doctorate in august (note: well...there's been a bit of a delay with that...), earned bachelor's degrees in music performance and psychology and a master's in instructional systems design at virginia tech before coming to the UI's college of education for a national science foundation fellowship focused on educational technology.

she got interested in web-based classes and simulation games for educational purposes and has worked on projects related to those topics at the UI, the national center for supercomputing applications and elsewhere.

her own experience overcoming dyslexia and experiences with disabled friends and students working in programming and on computers got her interested in accessibility, first in educational software and online resources.

hinn, who described herself as being into computers and social justice, was interested in games already, and accessibility in games gradually became a big interest.

"we always had game consoles in the house (growing up)," she said.

writer: greg klineso there it is.