almost a month passed by and so much has changed and the danazol makes me cry 30 times a day and i feel like may was the biggest waste of time ever -- obviously...no blogging here at all. i did some blogging over at terra nova and that was pretty much a disaster. then who knows where the panic attacks came from...and then i feel like i don't have a right to really say anything because well, shit, compared to that...

if i lay here...
if i just lay here...
would you lie with me and just forget the world?

too much to write but i've landed on a good idea...to pretend that i'm giving the long form of my accessibility talk and write it down as is...dissertation by powerpoint...something like that. at any rate...i'm writing at least.

i think i forgot to say that it was the 6th anniversary of my blog recently, which is even more depressing when you think back to all the years...but i can't think of that now...i can't, i can't...because if i do, i'll get stuck back there trying to figure out what doesn't even matter any more...and...after a while...it gets old.

i realized that i have one more thing to do at my old job before it's really done and done and i just hope that she hangs on...

it's hard to know what to say about last week other than to think that it was not really real and to remember thinking that each day took about a week to get through. and this week? kidney infection #3 -- third in three months -- and i'm wondering what the fuck is up with that, should i be worried, etc etc etc. so this is the THIRD antibiotic i've been on to try to clear this up and this one is nastier and stronger than the last...it's hard not to start freaking out about antibiotic resistance...and the fact that this one was prescribed without any idea if it was going to work because the culture takes two days to grow (is there no way of speeding that up? can i bring it to c's lab?).

so i'm going to take a nap now but i wrote everything down on a piece of paper just in case i get too sick to remember it.

local abc news caught me at the office earlier when i was pretty much there solely to avoid hearing any more of the news of vt...by that time it was just the same endless loop over and over and over again...i never bothered to watch the news...who cares if i was on it or not. i was simply their "local perspective/wow there's someone in this town who went to VT" go-to girl and i've gotta say...i'm really, really getting sick of the media.

so speaking of, i get this email from this comm prof here who decides that today's the day he's going to say that while the media was covering VT, there was a much more sinister plot in the making about some postal tax increase, "big media" crap, the government are a bunch of crack head whores. no, the prof didn't say that last bit but it was such a stupidly timed email by this guy that, yeah, bipolar superhero woman reacts by emailing him back and saying "you know...you are in JUST as bad taste as the right wing media who are taking advantage of the VT thing...you just did the same fucking thing on the left side...shame on you." and then i thought about why i was probably on his mailing list and i'm sure that any second now someone else from that department is going to say something "profound." i can hardly wait.

they are covering it still on the news, all night, all night and i woke up remembering the classes i had in norris and i remembered you all of the sudden...when we'd run out of class...off to drive around the drill field again, young and both still alive...i've heard from so many these last 24 hours but i know i won't hear from you and i'm wondering what you must be thinking about all this...what all of you who are "you" must be thinking about all this...

and aj...interesting that you are a part of the collective "you" with the same name...i heard from them, from all of them, those who are our children now...they must be our children...and the kids are alright. but they are scared and lost...more so than we ever were...

perhaps. i don't know. i don't know if it's fair to compare the surreal with the unreal...or know which is which.

ut prosim...that i may serve...

oh yeah...i was in an article in the chicago tribune the other day (if you can't access it with the link, search with my last name and avoid the articles about the "hinn" that isn't my relative who is apparently getting medical treatment somewhere in south africa and is getting flack for it...not sure why but i don't care that much to add any more to the story in my brain or on the blog).

and even my doctor was surprised to find out that pain clinics don't treat pain...

maybe the way this was all supposed to work was because we were in the same situation in so many ways and were the only ones who really could relate to it and neither expected anything from it...it always reminds me of that book, age of innocence...only this time it takes place later, much later...and none were wayward stations...

attention non-us readers -- do you know of any health clinics in your country that uses RU-486 for non-abortion uses? there are many studies that suggest that the RU-486 in low dosages can be a miracle for people like me with endometriosis. but...thanks to this damn country's puritan laws, we can hardly get it for abortion and you literally have to be dying (with "end of life" date on the books) to use it off-label and only for things like ovarian cancer.

anyway...let me know if you know of anything.

i ran into s at mckinley and i told her that whatever she chooses to do, do NOT feel that you'd be letting me down if you took the job...i hate the madness, the mad world...all around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces
bright and early for their daily races
going nowhere, going nowhere
and their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression, no expression
hide my head i want to drown my sorrow
no tomorrow, no tomorrow
and I find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which i'm dying
are the best I've ever had
i find it hard to tell you
'cos i find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it's a very, very
mad world
children waiting for the day they feel good
happy birthday, happy birthday
made to feel the way that every child should
sit and listen, sit and listen
went to school and i was very nervous
no one knew me, no one knew me
hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
look right through me, look right through me...i'm not sure how many lives have been saved and lost but this play is over for me...it makes no difference what the spin is, really...it doesn't...for once in my life i know that i made an impact and the ones who couldn't dare to stay an extra hour even when it literally made the difference between life and death...well, they lost what they never knew they had...it was easier to let me go than to admit that their house of cards was falling down around them.

i'm supposed to meet up with them to talk about everything that i know...but i think even if i did that...it wouldn't matter...because they can't hear it...they just can't hear it...

i can't get used to the idea that after the break is over, i'll still be on break...because i've been terminated, sacked, fired, and so forth. the thing that makes me the most sad is that i'd wanted to go out with some dignity, with some kind of "hey, thanks for all that time and all those things." it would have meant a lot to me. but it's not going to happen...burn out rather than fade away.

i can't take the sting any more and there's no one who really understands...i mean understand my life, know my life and know how much it depresses me. the world is ugly and cold so often and it'd hard not to blame yourself, it's hard to bear it. but all i can do is move, keeping moving and maybe it will stop hurting in time...until the next time.

right about now the londoners are getting ready to visit IBM, which took forever and a day to set up. it's true...i would have been in bed 24/7 had i gone on the trip but what can you do? and i have only a couple more days to move out of my office...wheeeeeee!

and it's 3:30am and i'm awake.

the main trouble is that i'm starting to lose my faith in the world...not that i really had a lot but i'd thought that i'd found some pockets of humanity only to see it turn around and hit me in the face...cold hard slap to remind me that things are often an illusion and the ones you trust the most can be the first to strike you down.

no, i'm not just talking about all the ugliness going on with wimse, with the sig...it seems that once one thing falls, everything falls...and anything that you had to look forward to is suddenly gone. i can feel it all crashing down and i don't know how to stop it or even if i should in some cases. greed is all around and in surprising directions and i sometimes can't believe that people even wonder why i never like to see myself in the media and why i sometimes wish i could just disappear. and then i see the comparisons to my mother and remember how my father is so ashamed of me because he sees me as useless...and it's hard not to believe it all when it matches how you feel inside, no matter how much work you've done to try and think of things and reasons why you can't believe that only the negative is true. but when someone doesn't know you...they can wound you without truly knowing what they've done.

i know...it's a downer of a post. but it's been a downer of a month with only one exception and there's no place on the map to locate you...

t-minus any minute now for the next episode of ER...reality edition. nausea, doubled over in pain...get some food into me now now now...i wrote a letter for the ER staff because i'm sick of saying the same thing every month. maybe they'll read it. maybe they'll see that i'm not a completely worthless piece of shit like they usually do...

sigh.

and now you too...

i just need to go away for a little while. i don't know where to. just away. get on a train to somewhere, get on a plane...somewhere. because i can't see which way the surface is anymore...

i should just shut up and disappear for a little while. just disappear. will i ever find my way out? don't answer that. i shouldn't ask anymore...

back in the office...

today or tomorrow I get to go to the er...but for now...write write write ...

so i just walked to starbucks from my office and got the usual cappuccino and cupcake breakfast/lunch and i've been processing things and it seems that it might be quite possible that i have a serious reason for traveling back and forth between ireland and here in the fall but that's almost hilarious at this point considering how many things have imploded lately. actually...how many things have imploded this week in particular.

but...i ended up being able to see the positive from gdc, despite the focus on the negative. you know...we really did put ourselves out there this year. we went for broke and it seems that we're gearing up to do that again next year. exciting things are in the works. too bad things had to go crazy before i could announce them but whatever. now we know who would hang us out to dry before we got too far in. or at least hang me out to dry. but...whatever.

ugh...but this morning i was asked why i was wearing perfume all of the sudden...i used to...before...so now i am again.

hahahahaha...illinois? YOU SUCK!!!!!! hahahahahaha! VTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVT!!! VT JUST SPANKED YOUR WORTHLESS ASSES...IN BASKETBALL! SUCK IT! Especially YOU, UIUC Administration!!!! ROT IN HELL!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

HAHA Weeeeeeeee....

Yeah, time to bring out the meds...

the pain starts again, just as i predicted. i knew it was coming up, i knew a week ago that the change was coming again. live through this. i know. if i can live through the next few days of excruciating pain then it will break again. i don't know how many more times i can do this but i guess it's safe to say that i know that if i can just get past it...it will go away again...for at least a short while...until next month.

i'm not sure why this week went the way it did. i was supposed to teach a class in london starting tomorrow and now i'm out because housing didn't feel comfortable with my going and knowing that i needed to go to hospital during the trip. the sad, sad thing is that if i had only made it to london...for at least this week i'd have health insurance. something i haven't had in, wow, almost 9 months.

i'm in debt. and by a lot. $20k all in medical bills that have gone to collection. but i said all that in the last post. forgive me. i'm just starting to realize that it's really real. i've been fired from one job and my last day on my other job is may 19th. after that...i don't know. i'd say well at least i have the sig to help me through it but...nothing is certain. i know i have good friends there -- regardless and up to the administration. well, so be it. i'd rather play the walk on role in the war then play the lead role in a cage...

how i wish you were here.

any minute now and i'll need to go in for the monthly shot now that it's started again. c said that i woke him up last night to say "oh my god! virginia tech is playing illinois in basketball this friday!!!! my undergrad versus grad school!!!!" which is hilarious if you consider how much i hate both places and then after he told me this morning i said "whoa...you know dr. b's gonna say...evil parent versus evil parent."

so london's been axed courtesy of housing and the worst of it would be that if i could have only made it to london, i'd been covered by UIUC travel insurance...the first time i've been insured in nine months. and i owe over $20 grand now and...it's gone to collection. so good luck, me, in ever seeing a decent credit report score...ever.

so i have to figure this all out and everything's a mess and i wish people would leave me alone for just one fucking second so i can breathe...and sort all this out.

and i miss you more than you could ever know.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i'm going to kill the universe right now.

exhausted. attacked.

i know a lot of it is my stuff, as dr. b says. but on the other hand...what the fuck? my right arm is sprained, my kidneys are on fire, i can't wake up to save my life...and when i do for a few minutes it's only to awake to a whole slew of crap from all directions. how the FUCK am i going to live through london? god...at least it feels like home. and i hope you cry when you get there.