the main trouble is that i'm starting to lose my faith in the world...not that i really had a lot but i'd thought that i'd found some pockets of humanity only to see it turn around and hit me in the face...cold hard slap to remind me that things are often an illusion and the ones you trust the most can be the first to strike you down.

no, i'm not just talking about all the ugliness going on with wimse, with the sig...it seems that once one thing falls, everything falls...and anything that you had to look forward to is suddenly gone. i can feel it all crashing down and i don't know how to stop it or even if i should in some cases. greed is all around and in surprising directions and i sometimes can't believe that people even wonder why i never like to see myself in the media and why i sometimes wish i could just disappear. and then i see the comparisons to my mother and remember how my father is so ashamed of me because he sees me as useless...and it's hard not to believe it all when it matches how you feel inside, no matter how much work you've done to try and think of things and reasons why you can't believe that only the negative is true. but when someone doesn't know you...they can wound you without truly knowing what they've done.

i know...it's a downer of a post. but it's been a downer of a month with only one exception and there's no place on the map to locate you...