the pain starts again, just as i predicted. i knew it was coming up, i knew a week ago that the change was coming again. live through this. i know. if i can live through the next few days of excruciating pain then it will break again. i don't know how many more times i can do this but i guess it's safe to say that i know that if i can just get past it...it will go away again...for at least a short while...until next month.

i'm not sure why this week went the way it did. i was supposed to teach a class in london starting tomorrow and now i'm out because housing didn't feel comfortable with my going and knowing that i needed to go to hospital during the trip. the sad, sad thing is that if i had only made it to london...for at least this week i'd have health insurance. something i haven't had in, wow, almost 9 months.

i'm in debt. and by a lot. $20k all in medical bills that have gone to collection. but i said all that in the last post. forgive me. i'm just starting to realize that it's really real. i've been fired from one job and my last day on my other job is may 19th. after that...i don't know. i'd say well at least i have the sig to help me through it but...nothing is certain. i know i have good friends there -- regardless and up to the administration. well, so be it. i'd rather play the walk on role in the war then play the lead role in a cage...

how i wish you were here.