an iranian friend of the family invited me and my parents to eat a homecooked iranian meal tomorrow night that is good for health! that was really nice of her to invite us...i'm not awake too much these days but i figure i should go with anything that has the chance of healing me, right?

chris should be coming soon now that the grant writing is over...he was trying to get a grant in before the deadline but he didn't make it in time after months of working exhaustively...and i felt like it's all my fault because if i wasn't sick, he would have been able to finish it...instead he spent every night at the hospital sleeping (a.k.a. not sleeping as they woke me/us up every hour for blood tests, etc) on a cot for weeks...and he did all my wound care...and my dad asked me about the grant last night and i burst into tears because he did all that because he loves me and i feel so grateful but my heart broke that he couldn't get what he wanted because i want everything in the world for him and it seems that nothing is fair...for anyone i know right now...

then? my therapist may be dying. yeah, the guy that basically saved my life when everything came crashing down that summer of 2002...the man who has talked to me about life and death all these months...and he didn't want to tell me but he couldn't avoid it when he said he had to take a month off...he has advanced prostate cancer...how is that fair? this man who has given his life to helping people...

my friend mark? his father is dying and i can't help worry about him. mark is my partner in crime in the game accessibility movement (see ablegamers.com) and we struggle to keep our non-profit afloat and i want to use that fundraising/sales background of mine but i'm too sick...i'm too sick to help...at least i can write papers and proposals to help get the word out about gamers with disabilities who deserve to have fun just like everyone does...fun does not have to be an exclusive club...and i feel a little better but i wish i could do more right now...

i know...i have to focus on getting myself well...but this is so frustrating...it's been so long...too long...i have to hang in there...see this recovery through...

but some days i just want to curl up and cry...and most days i do a little of that every day...not for me...just for how unfair everything is...i know...no one ever said life was fair...