disappointing awards show this year just cause it was sooooo long...but more disappointing because neither reid nor eric won their categories. i was particularly ticked off that reid didn't win his because his competition was so fucking obnoxious...christ. i met them earlier in the day while looking for reid and of course i got totally harassed by their colleague *g-spot* (i believe the quote of the day was "yeah i own it and i can hit it"...riiiiiiight) and then the rest of them looking for their "booth babe" dates they were going to "grab" for the show (yeahhhhh...riiiiiight) and i was like, omg, this fucking world sucks.

and the dutch boys (richard and sander who call this my goth blog), who i couldn't find tonight but then again i was in so much pain by the end of the show that all kasey, mo and i could do was eat and crash, didn't have to witness any of the sexist slurs i was the target of today but thank god they were there yesterday or i might have either punched someone or curled up in the fetal position for hours. and i just didn't want to deal with anymore men calling me a piece of ass again tonight...and i called chris this morning and i miss him terribly and i wish he were here because he knows, he knows me so well and he knows how that sexist crap tears me up inside, glass churning. and he knows that me that people don't see when they meet me...that me that comes with breaking down all those barriers...

so my dad is still emailing me about the "procedure" i get to undergo monday when i get back at 8am...it's just so fucked up that he doesn't want me to do it because, fuck, all the signs are there...the c has returned and i've gotta deal with it. and i think this week i've been trying to live a year in each day and all the memories come flooding back and old friends have returned and some are gone...here...but gone. what can you do? just keep going and try not to look back so much i guess. but as i told the doctor...i feel very serene about it this time and he asked me why that was and i don't really know, i still don't know...maybe it just doesn't scare me any more?

riiiiiight.