fix me...

41 years here in this life...4+1 major surgeries in a year...two decades past the that last birthday that was crazy fun that could never again be repeated in spirit or in health...41 stitches that i can count...4.1 steps is now slightly past the number of steps to arrive at the halfway mark between 5 yards of a football field...where am i? when you try your best, but you don't succeed
when you get what you want, but not what you need
when you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
stuck in reverse i've been here spinning, wondering what it is that i need even though i know what it is...i know...but i'm so tired...too tired some days to try my best...so i don't succeed...it feels farther now, farther from you and from me and from that which separates us by thousands of miles...and the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
when you love someone, but it goes to waste
could it be worse?i lost the purpose, the point...the inner motor that would drive me to extremes until i burned it up again and again and again...and i'm still here because something inside me makes me love myself...but i'm stuck wondering how to make it stop going to waste...lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix youi will try, starting now, to fix me.and high up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
but if you never try you'll never know
just what you're worthi'm too in love with protecting myself and i need to stop, stop it, stop it now...let go...let it all go...it's all over now...all the ugly past, all the things that happened to me, that were done to me, that i did to myself...if it give up and don't try now, i may never know what i'm worth, my inner strength...my perseverance despite the insanity...lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix youlet the light back in, no need to hide any longer...i can fix me.tears stream down on your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
tears stream down on your face
and on your face i...i've only lost time...that's all that cannot be replaced...that's...all...tears stream down on your face
i promise you i will learn from my mistakes
tears stream down on your face
and on your face i...i have written volumes on all my mistakes...the biggest mistake? to keep focusing on the mistakes and beating myself up over and over and over about them...to learn from them now? the lesson is to let go...lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
and i will try to fix you...at 41...i will try...to fix me.

[lyrics thanks to coldplay]