so you all pretty much know that i try to be as honest about my own experiences as i can. i've been working on the dissertation all weekend long and i think that things must be starting to work in sync...somehow. i'm only working on chapter four because i'm not doing myself any good to keep rehashing chapters one and two before i've finished my draft of chapter four. chapter three? ok, it's almost there but it's definitely the least interesting bit, since it just describes my methods...although how i arrived at the methods that i did use is a bit of a story!

but anyway, chapter four. i told myself thursday that before i met with chip on tuesday afternoon, all i was going to do was work on chapter four...go through the transcripts of, now, only 32 hours of videotape...well, plus the 32 hours of the game play feed that goes with it...so 64 hours. much less than the 96 i was starting with, i threw out all the triads because it was weighing me down too much and i may pare the data down a bit more but we'll see. so for now, i'm going through the transcripts of 64 hours video tape.

these are some of the things that i'm afraid about when it comes to writing this whole thing up: i wonder if i’m smart enough to write the dissertation i want to write? i wonder if this time around i’ll be strong enough to tell the story?

more on this later but there it is. fear. i'm afraid that someone's FINALLY going to realize i'm a dumbass once they read the final product. and i feel like i'm taking a leap, this big risk in what i'm doing and...

i.
am.
afraid.

i am afraid that no one will be there when i fall, that no one will even understand that i have fallen and what to do about it. but this weekend i'm opening up all the windows and doors and i'm stepping out onto the ledge and i'm leaping, making the leap and hope that the leap means breaking the loop, getting the fairytale, finding my, so far, nameless and faceless full self.

and i realized that right now and in all those "thens" that sometimes the hand that reaches out to catch you when you fall is your own.

after about 8 hours of going through transcripts like a paralegal or a detective or a forensic psychologist...my head felt like it was going to fly right off. but i'm doing ok.

but...i wish i could find a giant stapler to fasten my neck to the nearest sturdy object, like a pole or the floor so that i can't run from this anymore out of fear. i have to stay and fight.