i've thrown up exactly three times this weekend and i have to say...it's getting to be fucking annoying. believe it or not, i'm not a big fan of the whole throwing up thing and would rather not be doing it. but i just can't keep anything in me right now...and is that a symptom or a reaction to the 25th? i swear i can't remember shit right now...

so the news gazette article came out today but they didn't put it only so i can't share but it was on page a2 and it was 3/4 of a page. damn. so far, no reaction and i wonder if there will be and as i told dr. b...it could be that i both want and fear reaction...and what a fun place that is to be.

chip has some reservations about the whole unsolicited thing and he said that he thought that my interpretation of the world was correct...which makes me sad that we have to feel this way about it all. why the fuck can't we do what we want, why the fuck do we have to live paycheck to paycheck if we do it anyway, and what the fuck is the light at the end of this tunnel?

and, oh it makes me tired...like t-shirts everyday and seeing how many days can we all really go without washing our hair...

and, oh it makes me tired...like trying to get yourself out of bed those days when there doesn't seem to be a point and those other days where you realize that only by dying can we really learn what it means to be alive...

and, oh it makes me tired...like driving from 81 to 64 when you don't know why you're going in this direction in the first place but the other direction doesn't seem to be right either...

and, oh it makes me tired...like realizing how much i've lived through already and realizing at any point that could have been me strapped to the gurney...

and, oh it makes me tired.

and, yet...

still i stand.