1, 3...stab with running start...2...slow injection, pain and the advise to get a regular doctor: "i'd suggest looking into getting a regular obgyn if this pain keeps happening every month." yeah? i'd suggest getting a new job. out of town is no longer an option and everything's turned into a great big theatre of the absurd with plastic bag licking ladies at the pharmacy, extended families in the waiting room with snacks for everyone, and my chart's been flagged obviously and we laughed when you mentioned the obgyn because it was too long a story and you didn't want to hear it anyway.
and facebook remains completely unbelievable and now scholars face lawsuits and when the fuck did we lose our right to free speech?
but the chief is dead...and this article is classic...oh it's funny when reunions occur in the strangest places. now if i can only convince people to stop being martyrs, life would be good. well, it would be mediocre.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
wtf, i was there past midnight friday to arrive early saturday to see the door window smashed in an it turns out it was a homeless man they arrested for trying to enter because it is unfuckingbelievably cold out and, you know, who could really get all that mad? it just sucks ass that we don't have any super great shelters...or even enough shelters...
Friday, February 02, 2007
Whenever I hear the word “dissertation” I think “expertise,” whether that is right or wrong (does it matter?). I’ve struggled for a long while now as to how to fit a dissertation – a dissertation that was in my own voice, that was focused on something that I felt that I had a handle on or, god, even just barely hanging on to – into a gaming/ludology literature that is constantly shifting and evolving and I think I finally have the answer to where it fits. It does not. (p.s.: did I mean to say where “I” fit?) There must be a comfortable sense of place that comes with knowing your place, knowing exactly where what you do fits in when there seems to be a polarization, a way of thinking in terms purely colored in black or white. If we are to believe the headlines either video games will save or destroy us all: There is no middle ground. Each side, desperate to disprove the other, moves slowly to either side of the dance floor with every research study conducted.
But I can’t find my way there to either side and I give up. I thought, at first, that I’d tell this wonderful story, this insightful narrative on how people offer help, ask for help, and accept help in a gaming environment (see how good video games are for us?). But I’m not going to. Not really. Every word I type feels like both a liberation and betrayal of my self and I’m not comfortable telling you that and that’s exactly why I keep writing. I need to move on, I need to move forward and this is the only way not out but in.
I’d like to offer you an invitation to the dance. Or at least the dance I’m at. I’d like to give you a chance to see what I see, even if we’re spinning on the dance floor, losing our footing, or we end up motion sick and vomiting into a trashcan in the corner of the room. I won’t lie to you. It’s not an easy or a comfortable place to be and it may cause a false sense of wellbeing or bring about suicidal thoughts (as the label on most any psychotropic medication will tell you). But let’s stay here for a while, at least until the sun comes back up (will it?) and we’ll sit on the shore and pass that bottle of whiskey back and forth until we all agree that this was the best idea anyone’s come up with in the last five minutes. Whatever it was.
But I can’t find my way there to either side and I give up. I thought, at first, that I’d tell this wonderful story, this insightful narrative on how people offer help, ask for help, and accept help in a gaming environment (see how good video games are for us?). But I’m not going to. Not really. Every word I type feels like both a liberation and betrayal of my self and I’m not comfortable telling you that and that’s exactly why I keep writing. I need to move on, I need to move forward and this is the only way not out but in.
I’d like to offer you an invitation to the dance. Or at least the dance I’m at. I’d like to give you a chance to see what I see, even if we’re spinning on the dance floor, losing our footing, or we end up motion sick and vomiting into a trashcan in the corner of the room. I won’t lie to you. It’s not an easy or a comfortable place to be and it may cause a false sense of wellbeing or bring about suicidal thoughts (as the label on most any psychotropic medication will tell you). But let’s stay here for a while, at least until the sun comes back up (will it?) and we’ll sit on the shore and pass that bottle of whiskey back and forth until we all agree that this was the best idea anyone’s come up with in the last five minutes. Whatever it was.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
at some point, can something, anything be forgiven? i feel like a crook, i feel like a defrauder...i feel like throwing up. not that i haven't been lately. pneumonia and then the pain day all criss-crossed into several magical ER visits and i feel like screaming to the world "OK I GET IT. I FUCKED UP. BUT DO YOU NEED TO REMIND ME OF THAT EVERY 15 MINUTES VIA EMAIL?????"
yes...it's the registration crap, again. i'm just so fed up and i'm sick of administrative types telling me that i'm irresponsible (how exactly could that be absolutely and so resolutely true?)...not once, but several times a day. it's days like these that make you want to crawl under a rock and die.
the funny part..."funny" part...was that it took me all damn day to get off my floor yesterday and when i finally did and went to work? i was told to go home because i was fired. at least temporarily. so they say.
on your way home, could someone pick me up a break from the store? seriously, i'm barely holding on...
yes...it's the registration crap, again. i'm just so fed up and i'm sick of administrative types telling me that i'm irresponsible (how exactly could that be absolutely and so resolutely true?)...not once, but several times a day. it's days like these that make you want to crawl under a rock and die.
the funny part..."funny" part...was that it took me all damn day to get off my floor yesterday and when i finally did and went to work? i was told to go home because i was fired. at least temporarily. so they say.
on your way home, could someone pick me up a break from the store? seriously, i'm barely holding on...
Thursday, January 25, 2007
ok i get it. i've completely fucked up in every way, i was stalin in the last life, i don't deserve healthcare and my own father said that "healthcare isn't for people like you who don't contribute to society" thus not even attempting to help me out, even in the form of a loan at 5 trillion percent interest.
i get it. i get that everyone's job on the whole planet is in jeopardy because i cannot get a simple fucking set of forms through to even get my own job back, i understand that i've let every person possible down because i'm not the superhero i'm supposed to be, i understand that even if i'm living in a box on the street corner that the act of putting in my payroll hours is so trivial compared with how much others suffer more.
i get it. i really, really do. but is it possible to go ahead and let me work on my dissertation for even one day without having to confess all my sins all day, every day or can you at least cut me a little bit of slack on the hail marys? i will pay them back with interest but please...fucking hell please...can i just get one -- i admit completely undeserved -- break just this one time?
i get it. i get that everyone's job on the whole planet is in jeopardy because i cannot get a simple fucking set of forms through to even get my own job back, i understand that i've let every person possible down because i'm not the superhero i'm supposed to be, i understand that even if i'm living in a box on the street corner that the act of putting in my payroll hours is so trivial compared with how much others suffer more.
i get it. i really, really do. but is it possible to go ahead and let me work on my dissertation for even one day without having to confess all my sins all day, every day or can you at least cut me a little bit of slack on the hail marys? i will pay them back with interest but please...fucking hell please...can i just get one -- i admit completely undeserved -- break just this one time?
Friday, January 19, 2007
so am i a secret bitch? i have no idea what i mean by that but i'm sure it has something to do with the inner rage he says would kill a normal person...yeah, back to that inner rage thing. the thing is i really don't like rules...which has a lot to do with my dissertation...maybe if i figure that out, i'll figure out the bigger issue beyond the game.
i do seethe with rage when i think of the new one and how eerie it is that she's almost a carbon copy of the last one...churn churn...boring. throw me something interesting at least will you? analyzed and determined completely useless at hello.
see? that secret bitch thing...or is it not such a secret? or is it just an easy title to slap on to avoid seeing the real issue behind the color red?
i do seethe with rage when i think of the new one and how eerie it is that she's almost a carbon copy of the last one...churn churn...boring. throw me something interesting at least will you? analyzed and determined completely useless at hello.
see? that secret bitch thing...or is it not such a secret? or is it just an easy title to slap on to avoid seeing the real issue behind the color red?
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
who do you believe? i mean who do you believe in the end? the person who says, wow, yeah, things are fucked up so let's do this or the person who says i can't believe things are as fucked up as you say so let's do this to see if they are really all that fucked up? then...non-invasive and much less expensive or invasive and much more expensive?
and on another note...is it fucked up to realize that maybe the road is important because if it's not one you really buy into...will the end mean a thing? even if that means letting go?
and on another note...is it fucked up to realize that maybe the road is important because if it's not one you really buy into...will the end mean a thing? even if that means letting go?
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
i'm tired.
seriously i am. spine out of alignment, stars out of alignment, mind out of alignment, realizing that not leaving isn't the same as staying, wondering if you have to like the road you'll have to take in order to want to arrive at the destination? suicide thesis is the new band in town and there's nothing that can give me comfort, even if it were simply served cold like revenge at the best restaurant in town.
and, finally, he asked "did you ever consider for a moment that it might all be neurological?" to which i replied "did you ever consider that it might not exist?"
seriously i am. spine out of alignment, stars out of alignment, mind out of alignment, realizing that not leaving isn't the same as staying, wondering if you have to like the road you'll have to take in order to want to arrive at the destination? suicide thesis is the new band in town and there's nothing that can give me comfort, even if it were simply served cold like revenge at the best restaurant in town.
and, finally, he asked "did you ever consider for a moment that it might all be neurological?" to which i replied "did you ever consider that it might not exist?"
Saturday, January 13, 2007
this new google blogger shit is driving me insane.
anyway...school starts back up tuesday so i've got a lot to do still to prep for the classes i teach...and much to do in so many areas...
the study abroad crap is getting there. most of my annoyance is in the amount of work i've had to do on the passport/visa/travel stuff while i was supposed to only be working on the academic side of things. i've realized that my time with wimse is coming to a close, as sad as that may seem. this is it. this is my last semester there as a grad assistant. i have a new boss that starts tuesday, i have to, have to, have to finish no later than august. i want to finish no later than august -- that's the more important part. i'll miss it, no doubt. but it's time to move on. what will they do without me is the question so many ask. i don't know. but i can't believe -- or let myself believe -- that on soooooo many of my job duties someone else couldn't do it. maybe the next person won't have my personality or my same reasons for wanting wimse to grow, change, etc with the times. but it's easy to get yourself in a lull where you are no longer effective, no longer able to see beyond just the day to day demands of the job.
do i think i've made a difference? yeah, i do. but there are so many other things i feel i need to do for me and for others in this life. it's time for me to go. yeah, i can point fingers and make a stand and say "i'm leaving because they are users" or "i'm leaving because they don't value my opinion even though i'm the only one in housings that's in the real trenches of wimse." but really? just as my students move on and graduate...so must i. so must i. and housing doesn't care if i move on...the university doesn't care...but i must and i do care.
it's time for that next step. as scary as hell as that is. it's time.
anyway...school starts back up tuesday so i've got a lot to do still to prep for the classes i teach...and much to do in so many areas...
the study abroad crap is getting there. most of my annoyance is in the amount of work i've had to do on the passport/visa/travel stuff while i was supposed to only be working on the academic side of things. i've realized that my time with wimse is coming to a close, as sad as that may seem. this is it. this is my last semester there as a grad assistant. i have a new boss that starts tuesday, i have to, have to, have to finish no later than august. i want to finish no later than august -- that's the more important part. i'll miss it, no doubt. but it's time to move on. what will they do without me is the question so many ask. i don't know. but i can't believe -- or let myself believe -- that on soooooo many of my job duties someone else couldn't do it. maybe the next person won't have my personality or my same reasons for wanting wimse to grow, change, etc with the times. but it's easy to get yourself in a lull where you are no longer effective, no longer able to see beyond just the day to day demands of the job.
do i think i've made a difference? yeah, i do. but there are so many other things i feel i need to do for me and for others in this life. it's time for me to go. yeah, i can point fingers and make a stand and say "i'm leaving because they are users" or "i'm leaving because they don't value my opinion even though i'm the only one in housings that's in the real trenches of wimse." but really? just as my students move on and graduate...so must i. so must i. and housing doesn't care if i move on...the university doesn't care...but i must and i do care.
it's time for that next step. as scary as hell as that is. it's time.
Monday, January 08, 2007
it WAS kinda hilarious, actually, to see the lunesta ads that were shown during the breaks between that new grease reality show as if anyone watching were still awake. i mean, i have NEVER watched the whole american idol process but i think it's pretty similar...i mean could they have found MORE boring hosts? now i know what NOT to do during GDC...
heh. speaking of...in the latest game dev mag, there's a picture of me asking my pain in the ass question at last year's game dev challenge in the half of the magazine that is the gdc advertisement. no, that's not the caption -- there's no caption. but if i were to caption it, it'd be something like "i KNEW this was gonna end up on some ad..." it's kind of funny. but cool.
so today dr. b told me that any normal person would have died from the poison from the rage...which reminded me of another dr. b who told me that everything was going to make me a stronger person...how strong do i need to be, exactly?
heh. speaking of...in the latest game dev mag, there's a picture of me asking my pain in the ass question at last year's game dev challenge in the half of the magazine that is the gdc advertisement. no, that's not the caption -- there's no caption. but if i were to caption it, it'd be something like "i KNEW this was gonna end up on some ad..." it's kind of funny. but cool.
so today dr. b told me that any normal person would have died from the poison from the rage...which reminded me of another dr. b who told me that everything was going to make me a stronger person...how strong do i need to be, exactly?
Thursday, January 04, 2007
what part of "do you have a US passport? if not, are you getting one now or are you in the visa process if you hold another country's passport?" is so damn confusing?
ok, age and experience has a lot to do with my crankiness about this. but it's really, really irritating when, after email 5 on the issue, someone's just now realized "hey, i DON'T have a us passport and/or visa to exit and re-enter the country -- so do i need to do something?" and then someone in a position of power says "oh, you should let students know that they need passports and/or visas." yeah? really? you think so? god, thanks for letting us know! we'd totally forgotten about that...
ahhhhhhhhhh. wake up, wake up, wake up. and i'm talking to myself right now. a little over a week before i have a new boss and i have an awful lot of shit to figure out.
ok, age and experience has a lot to do with my crankiness about this. but it's really, really irritating when, after email 5 on the issue, someone's just now realized "hey, i DON'T have a us passport and/or visa to exit and re-enter the country -- so do i need to do something?" and then someone in a position of power says "oh, you should let students know that they need passports and/or visas." yeah? really? you think so? god, thanks for letting us know! we'd totally forgotten about that...
ahhhhhhhhhh. wake up, wake up, wake up. and i'm talking to myself right now. a little over a week before i have a new boss and i have an awful lot of shit to figure out.
i think this pretty much describes it all...the re-modernist space between places that i've found myself in with regard to how i view myself and how others view me...the abd catch 22 of somehow not being human or alive if you are in grad school...any minute now, my ship is coming in
i'll keep checking the horizon
i'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
come crashing down down down, on me
and you say, "be still my love
open up your heart
let the light shine in"
but don't you understand
i already have a plan
i'm waiting for my real life to begin
when i awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
but in my dreams, i slew the dragon
and down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
i'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
and you say, "just be here now
forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin"
let me throw one more dice
i know that i can win
i'm waiting for my real life to begin
any minute now, my ship is coming in
i’ll keep checking the horizon
and i'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
it's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
it's just that times are lean
and you say, "be still my love
open up your heart, let the light shine in"
don't you understand
i already have a plan
i'm waiting for my real life to begin
on a clear day
i can see, see for a long way
yeah...colin hay of men at work fame...who can it be now?
i'll keep checking the horizon
i'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
come crashing down down down, on me
and you say, "be still my love
open up your heart
let the light shine in"
but don't you understand
i already have a plan
i'm waiting for my real life to begin
when i awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
but in my dreams, i slew the dragon
and down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
i'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
and you say, "just be here now
forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin"
let me throw one more dice
i know that i can win
i'm waiting for my real life to begin
any minute now, my ship is coming in
i’ll keep checking the horizon
and i'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
it's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
it's just that times are lean
and you say, "be still my love
open up your heart, let the light shine in"
don't you understand
i already have a plan
i'm waiting for my real life to begin
on a clear day
i can see, see for a long way
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
hmm. like someone was reading my mind when they posted their favorite scrubs episode songs and is it just me or does everyone have those once-a-month days where all they do is play songs, watch tv/movies that make them cry? mood-state dependency...
more from finland...
how...bauhaus
yeah, you'd think i'd lived in finland or something with the number of pix i have to post from there. this one just kept coming up in my photostream so i thought i'd finally blog it. anyway, i'm wondering if this diy-crafts-arts-technology thing has something to do with that whole re-modernist crap (read: philosophy) i was reading a few weeks ago and the space between places...someone's had to have written about it, right? or maybe i just did.
and wasn't it weird when last night's ep of law and order svu had that quote about unhappy families from anna karenina and it's the book i'm currently reading...although it was a bit *summarized* when they used it...happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way word.
yeah, you'd think i'd lived in finland or something with the number of pix i have to post from there. this one just kept coming up in my photostream so i thought i'd finally blog it. anyway, i'm wondering if this diy-crafts-arts-technology thing has something to do with that whole re-modernist crap (read: philosophy) i was reading a few weeks ago and the space between places...someone's had to have written about it, right? or maybe i just did.
and wasn't it weird when last night's ep of law and order svu had that quote about unhappy families from anna karenina and it's the book i'm currently reading...although it was a bit *summarized* when they used it...
so ford's dead and i've realized he has a lot in common with bush...in the sad fact that he, too, was appointed president...at least for term one. then, somehow, we elected bush president for term two. maybe we'd have been better off electing ford...wonder how things would have turned out...you know, with that whole hostage crisis thing ending with reagan that showed us exactly when we sold our souls to the republicans...ah well, we can play that game with gore and/or kerry versus bush as well...
but all i can think of is those old SNL skits...not the ones with chevy chase tripping everywhere but the newer older ones where they are working on ford's "death announcement" on cnn and saying things like "president gerald r. ford was mauled to death by bears today..." ok, bad timing and taste BUT seriously cnn had that packaged death montage up in seconds after the announcement...
oh yeah, it's the new year. i should make some coffee. and have a shower. also, why is it so cold in here? is my body temp really 97.4? and why exactly do i not write about the architecture dreams...
but all i can think of is those old SNL skits...not the ones with chevy chase tripping everywhere but the newer older ones where they are working on ford's "death announcement" on cnn and saying things like "president gerald r. ford was mauled to death by bears today..." ok, bad timing and taste BUT seriously cnn had that packaged death montage up in seconds after the announcement...
oh yeah, it's the new year. i should make some coffee. and have a shower. also, why is it so cold in here? is my body temp really 97.4? and why exactly do i not write about the architecture dreams...
Friday, December 29, 2006
do i like this new blogger? not sure yet. my body looks like it's been in a war and i have a giant bruise on my cheek and it's like wtf? did i punch myself in the face in my sleep? i must have because that's the only explanation.
did you hear? did you hear about the world peace that broke out? hussein is dead and now iraq is like a big disco party and everyone has ponies and holding hands and oh everyone converted to christianity in the whole world and then the angels came down from the heavens...
and shot us all to hell. do you ever sit on a plane in front of loud mouth assholes who pat each other on the back about how reagan was the greatest and bush junior is even greater and we're all too stupid to see it now. yeah. i guess that must be true. i guess when i get that lobotomy i'll be able to see it too.
the cost of string? who knows? what is it worth in the end anyway as long as it made some people happy. all i keep rewinding in my head is the whole i am ashamed of you...i am ashamed of you...i am ashamed of you. it's like a sick xmas song for the dysfunctional family...i am ashamed of you...medical care isn't for people like you who can't afford it...i'm cutting you off...i'm cutting you out of the will...oh you are sick? yeah grandmother fakes that hand shaky thing too...i am ashamed of you...quicken will save us all...get out of the car then...just go...just stop shaming me.
damn. if this were an old samurai movie...thank god i only have that stupid plastic sword they gave out at last year's gdc.
this year's gotta be better than the last?
did you hear? did you hear about the world peace that broke out? hussein is dead and now iraq is like a big disco party and everyone has ponies and holding hands and oh everyone converted to christianity in the whole world and then the angels came down from the heavens...
and shot us all to hell. do you ever sit on a plane in front of loud mouth assholes who pat each other on the back about how reagan was the greatest and bush junior is even greater and we're all too stupid to see it now. yeah. i guess that must be true. i guess when i get that lobotomy i'll be able to see it too.
the cost of string? who knows? what is it worth in the end anyway as long as it made some people happy. all i keep rewinding in my head is the whole i am ashamed of you...i am ashamed of you...i am ashamed of you. it's like a sick xmas song for the dysfunctional family...i am ashamed of you...medical care isn't for people like you who can't afford it...i'm cutting you off...i'm cutting you out of the will...oh you are sick? yeah grandmother fakes that hand shaky thing too...i am ashamed of you...quicken will save us all...get out of the car then...just go...just stop shaming me.
damn. if this were an old samurai movie...thank god i only have that stupid plastic sword they gave out at last year's gdc.
this year's gotta be better than the last?
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