posting from a mac in c's secret lab-or-atory...took many digi pix and lomos of some of the fancy finery and findings and who knew that poison liquids...or at least liquids that look poisonous when in lab-like glassware...could make such interesting photo lenses? ok, maybe i had my suspicions. but while i'm typing this, i'm waiting for the dollar store barbie and toy army soldiers and packing peanuts to finish up in the giant silver autoclave and i hope that they've all melted together well along with the plastic fruit and meanwhile c is in the "red room." red rum???? RED RUM!!!!!

sshhhh. ok it's just the room with mysterious red kool-aid style liquids that i'm sure if i drank would turn me into...

stay tuned until next time...

like clockwork, it's still like clockwork and i wonder how so many years went by with the anger seething inside and threatening to break lose at any minute and what the fuck if it did? what the fuck if it did. fifteen years...twenty-nine years...tick tock, tick tock...could i have made another choice? what if i had made another choice? it's a cancer that i can't cut out and i can either control it or let it destroy me but i can't remove it, there's no way to remove it and i think of angry mad thoughts on the couch in his office and i wonder if i have the courage to let them out yet?

period day! yay!

uh, ok...anyway some civic unrest over here but luckily it was mostly in our heads so no body count right now to speak of. i'm working on my online photo gallery so i'll let you know when the london pix are up...of course i seem to be on a psychotic travel schedule these days...vienna next month, plus maybe prague too. i've been busy with the diss so i keep forgetting to post here but i hope everyone is doing ok.

ok so i came back with bacteria pneumonia -- eep -- and so i'm super behind in updating my blog but thank god it is this last and extra day of february so i can catch up...while watching the ocsar prep frenzy. so let me speak frankly for a sec here...as if i wouldn't...to clarify, the british action was actually action in britain versus action with a briton and, no, not with an american who pretends he's british so that he can pump up his already amazingly overinflated ego...but, yes, with an american...the one i told you about briefly in december...the one who could have a big ego but doesn't have as compared with the one that had the big ego but shouldn't have?

hugs. hugs. hugs. hugs. hugs. hugs. hugs. hugs.

loria says: ""hugs!"?? what the??? when did you start saying "hugs"? you must have gotten some british action or some seriously good narcotics. either way, don't say "hugs" anymore, it creeped me out. (ha)"

dear loria. thank you for your concern. unfortunately i didn't cross paths with any seriously good narcotics on my trip to london but action in britain was had.

;)

back from london -- will post more and catch everyone up later this weekend! hope you are all doing well! hugs!

nyquil haze and a party next door and meanwhile it's still too cold to step outside and my face feels like it's in a vice grip or maybe it needs to be in one. or something.

fuck. i hate these hollywood award shows. fucking best foreign language film golden globe went to osama versus goodbye lenin. fuck. fuck. well, at least angels in america won every award in its category...finally something i thought should win did.

ok. so i was super mad when they first came out with this bullshit sounding premenstrual dysphoric disorder as a reason for doctors to hand out scripts for even more prozac. but you know...i'm really sick of fitting the profile of "all or more of the following symptoms." do i win a prize or something? and anyway, why the fuck am i having two or more periods in two weeks? maybe i'm still just having the last one. right. all i know is that i'm stocking up on good english chocolate and cramp meds next month.

i mean can being a woman be any more fucking great? i know...there are those who say that women should "celebrate" this time of renewal, blah, blah, blah. hey, bitch? lemmie try stabbing you in the stomach every minute for three straight days and see what kind of party mood you are in after that. ok, ok...that was way over the line. but try stabbing yourself in the stomach a few times if you'd like to empathize.

after four am and i've been dealing with formatting and re-formatting tables and charts most of the night which had to be done but i hated facing up to them and trying to figure out how to tell a somewhat interesting story or at least one that doesn't me tired before i've finished a single sentence. i'm getting there. at least i don't have the panic attacks that i used to have to deal with that almost forced me to walk away from the data in the first place.

i had a daydream earlier about being back in seattle, taking ferries to all the nearby islands, driving up to vancouver, sitting around and drinking good coffee, GREAT coffee...writing. that's what i want to do. write. create new combinations of narrative media. i'd like to live there again someday because, honestly, it's one of the few places that just felt like "home" to me and i really can't explain why that is...maybe it has something to do with the fairy tale dreams, maybe it's about letting go...maybe, maybe, maybe...who knows? but i've had the dream again recently...you just appeared there, appeared in my dream...but you couldn't hurt me anymore and the sneer you always used to wear was gone from your face. maybe time had done that to you or maybe it was simply what i wanted to see...but i wonder how it had ever crossed my mind that the knife i'd held, the knife that left it's mark on me time and time again, would ever take the hurt away, would ever make me forget...but not just you...not just you...

i cross...and i wonder...did you find what you were looking for, my pained and painted lady?

i think that there should be a pill created for women to slip into men's drinks to give them instant cramp hell so that they have a full understanding of what the hell we have to put up with, you know? any women chemists out there willing to give that a try? yeah, yeah, i know...seems like the same philosophy as the date rape drugs...so i don't quite buy my own story but it's satire people. deal.

i'm so freakin' tired today and i'd blame the fact that i had to move the famed fridge out of my old office, past all the rotc boys who said "that sure looks heavy" but didn't budge to open the door, down the elevator where i accidentally kicked the emergency alarm button and talked to the 911 operator who is probably used to that shit by now...i'd blame that but i really think that i just need a nap or speed...or maybe just some coffee. and i can't for the life of me figure out who sent me something by airborne express, nor do i know what it is because they didn't leave it at my door so i guess i'm waiting until tomorrow on figuring out all that. and i saw the smoke on oak street that swallowed up the trees and the cars and the buildings and i wondered if i drove through it, if i'd find some place hidden in there that made more sense?

"isn't he just creepy and weird?"

"uh, i think i left my car lights on, be right back."

so the v-day plan has reverted back to its original purpose and now i'm thinking that we really need to go to amsterdam and check out the urinal kiosks. seems like it's the only thing left to do at this point.

i've had a pretty bad headache most of the afternoon from what i suspect was a cross between dealing with stupid walgreens and the fact that it's now -9 billion degrees outside. so i'm allergic to sulfa medications, which knocks out a certain kind of antibiotics for me. well, i saw my doctor yesterday who wanted to see how i'd do on this new drug for cramp time. so i get it filled but this morning, i was reading the warnings section and it says "do not take if allergic to sulfa medications." which ticks me off because (1) it took me four months to see my doctor and that's what he prescribes even though it says on my chart ALLERGIC TO SULFA MEDICATIONS. but the thing that really ticked me off was (2) walgreens who somehow missed the whole THIS PATIENT ALLERGIC TO SULFA MEDICATIONS bit ON the same print out that they gave me that talked about how to take this medicine where i learned that i cannot take the medication. so, uh, shouldn't their computer have beeped and flashed or something when they started filling it? so i go back to see if i can get my money back (we're talking $98 for 30 pills here...and no, they are NOTHING that anyone would want to take) and of course they start on this "well...but there's only about a 30 percent chance that you would go into anaphylactic shock, not everyone that is allergic to sulfa medications goes into anaphylactic shock so you could go ahead and try it." yeah, because a 30 percent chance that you could die is something you want to check out.

shit.

oh but i did get my money back. no, i didn't have to do the fake panic attack act that i had to do to get my november and december paychecks...this time i just used dripping sarcasm and my patented death stare.

h.f.g. it's 2004.

my favorite new sticker that i swiped from my dad's vet clinic while at home: may cause drowsiness -- third eyelid may appear.

ok i'm back in c-u now, it's not really that cold either. usually when i get back from break, i come back to find that the town has been hit by the famous "freeze the city" plot device used on general hospital at some point in the 80s when laura was taken captive by some zillionaire who apparently had nothing better to do with his money that create a machine to freeze some stupid soap opera town. but it totally makes sense that he'd use it on this town because of, you know, the scenery. i mean it really is in the running for "best portrayal of a post-apcolytic town in a dark comedy" at this year's oscars. look it up in your almanacs kids! and tell homeland security that i said "hi."

the contest is over, the winners have been notified. the name of the secret restaurant was la cote d'or. i recommend the raspberries in caramel sauce.

haha...ok, ok...so i'm not done with googlism quite yet. this may be better than any career counseling test...here are some things that i could be:

• michelle is featured on mtv's "house of style"
  
• michelle is a highly underrated comic actress
  
• michelle is a writer
  
• michelle is now a member of the research staff at xerox parc
  
• michelle is really helping us modernize the bond films
  
• michelle is already a legend
  
• michelle is a codehead
  
• michelle is a real estate agent that is known in the community of york for their dedicated client service
  
• michelle is devoted to the issues of protecting our country
  
• michelle is a very outgoing girl and she loves meeting and playing with other children
  
• michelle is the winner of more gold medals than any other female figure skater in the usa and in the world
  
• michelle is sustaining electrical engineering designs for the international space station
  
• michelle is busy orchestrating eye screenings in illinois and teaching dance to her students at the academy of dance arts
  
• michelle is a loving mother and beautiful wife
  
• michelle is the managing editor of the australian astronomy research journal
  
• michelle is well known for her role in the bbc tv series eastenders
  
• michelle is in fact a welsh sheep farmer who drives a lorry
  
• michelle is the winner of seven world championship titles
  
• michelle is involved with numerous community volunteer efforts
  
• michelle is the regional account manager responsible for sales in scotland
  
• michelle is a graphic artist who likes bands like scratch acid
  
• michelle is an entrepreneur who has created and operated several successful business ventures
  
• michelle is a gifted communicator who has the ability to entertain young people as she ministers through song
  
• michelle is gaining strength and becoming more dangerous
  

ok...i'm semi back now. only i have pneumonia. nice flu follow up. so i've been sleeping lots, dreading xmas, messing around with pinhole cameras, sleeping, experiencing psychotic delusions, forgetting things, sleeping. so basically i have nothing much to report other than to advise you against getting this year's flu -- best to stick with last year's, best to stick with the classics.

ok, so a long time ago i ran my name on googlism and got some fun answers, including the knowledge that i'm offered in several formats. well, i was seeing what everyone in my blog/lj circle has been up to since i fell off the face of the earth last week and citizen kafka had a post about fun things to do with google and so after browsing around a bit at his other suggested google adventures, i headed to googlism again. this time i ran just my last name...damn it's good to share a weird-ass last name with a televangelist. check out some of my favs:

• hinn is a false prophet
• hinn is raking it in (right...)
• hinn is a typical tv evangelist
• hinn is evidence that there is no god
• hinn is an american neo
• hinn is claiming a physical appearance
• hinn is either truly crazy or downright evil
• hinn is a spiritual superstar
• hinn is the poster child for horrendous theology
• hinn is a circus freak

of course then there are these: "hinn is not as easy as you might think" and "hinn is concentrating on young teenagers now"...

cool. almost time for my nyquil nightcap. at times like these, i've come to appreciate the complete deadening of my taste buds thanks to this fucking flu. it's been one of those days where i've been barely able to stay awake all day and every once and a while i sit straight up, panicked and disoriented, and i have no friggin' clue what day it is. i mean my fingertips even hurt...that's ridiculous. conversation sample from tonight's phone call from my dad:me: dad, i'm dying from the flu.
dad: you don't have the flu...
me: no really i have the flu.
dad: the flu is just a big conspiracy. there's no such thing as the flu.
me: ok talk to you later.p.s. dc people: i'll be in town from dec 19 - dec 29.