ugh...36ish hour boil water order here and it's friggin' freezing and my power keeps threatening to go out and my throat really hurts from screaming into that mic last night for a few hours and, oh well, thanksgiving only comes around once a year, right?

ok, now that i've gotten this nano thing to a point where i'm gonna put it away for a while, we now return to dissertation whining already in progress...

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

whew. i feel much better now.

i'm a WINNER!!!!!!!!!

so i just got a copy of the LAST (yes, sadly they are no more) carissa's wierd [sic] cd, scrapbook, from sonic boom in seattle (thanks internet!) and on it jen, in full sadstyle mode, covers "asleep" by the smiths and i think, damn, no wonder we are all depressed after growing up at a time when the only music worth listening to at the time had lyrics like this:

sing me to sleep
sing me to sleep
i'm tired and i
i want to go to bed
sing me to sleep
sing me to sleep
and then leave me alone
don't try to wake me in the morning
'cause i will be gone
don't feel bad for me
i want you to know
deep in the cell of my heart
i will feel so glad to go
sing me to sleep
sing me to sleep
i don't want to wake up
on my own anymore

anyone else breaking through their sanitized memories? remembering being curled up in the fetal position on the floor of your room, listening to the cure, the smiths, etc, wondering how come these guys all got it when no one around you in real life did?

oh my god...you know, cramp meds and ebay do not mix...or maybe i mean that they mix too well...or something. anyway, i remembered the doctor telling me to avoid driving, lalala, the usual shit. but...but...but...he also said to avoid making snap judgments. what he should have said was "avoid going on ebay but if you must go on ebay do NOT use the 'buy it now' option under ANY circumstances while taking this medication." christ.

harlan needs a blog...harlan needs a blog...thx for letting me know that my comments thingee wasn't updating it's number count...i need to explore some better or at least other options for that since it's been annoyingly not working the majority of the time.

ooooooohhhh....i just remembered that i forgot tonight's local nanowritein at e's. shit. and i have a hell of a ways to go still. eep.

here i am. thanksgiving break. wasn't i here last year too? oh yeah...there was something about oversleeping and missing an early flight. well, whatever. this year i just decided to stay here, have a pot-luck style dinner on thursday with some others remaining here for the week...no thanksgiving travel this year, no having thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant (was that last year too?). i'm half tempted to stay here over xmas break too...i don't know yet. depends. on what? i don't know yet.

so most of you know that i've been an avid lomographer for the past two years. anyway, no matter how many rolls of film i develop i will never get over some of the strange and happy accidents that occur when you, well, lomo. i swear to god that in one of my lastest rolls, i have photographic evidence of the supernatural. either that or the quad really was on fire when i took that picture...

nano, meanwhile, is completely frustrating me. i mean my word count is fine and all but it's making feel more and more nauseous each day. i tend to cut too close to the truth for my own sanity...

"what? can you only drink in a convent?" and that had me almost in hysterics, only this time from laughter instead of the anxiety-ridden hysteria i had been in the whole session.

so i'm going back to london, with a possible/probably side trip to prague in february. yeah, fucking february. with any luck i'll be in vienna for chi in april. i mean, fuck. yeah, it was impulsive, the whole london thing, but for fuck's sake...why the hell not? and the doctor said the other day that it was the first real sign of my true self returning after all this time. so it's an apa sanctioned trip. rock on.

hey julie wherever you are.

it's hard sometimes, you know? to trust again? i mean in so many ways this last relationship was based on so many lies that it seems like i just dreamt the whole thing up...it's funny that i have nothing at all to say to you, that i have no interest at all in "catching up," or being friends. and how quickly that happened.

thank god i got my hair cut when i did.

h.f.g. it's november. i feel like i could throw up at any minute now. nanowrimo is making me completely ill and yet i can't seem to be able to fucking stop the car.

ok before i post an actual update...here are the latest new searches that have led people to my blog!

• i survived dating hell and all i got was this stupid t-shirt
• comic book character death
• i want to play game about heaven and hell
• "pro club" gay redmond

you know...i've been to dating hell many times but i've never emerged with a t-shirt to celebrate the occasion. now you've heard me bitch and moan about *yawn* hearing the same old breakup lines but you know...next time? i want a t-shirt. hand me a t-shirt with "it wasn't me, it was him" on it and then that'll be that.

new! i'm a nielson family for the next week, starting thursday. if you thought tv was fucked up now...even my tivo can't figure me out.

whimper, not a bang. i saw you for you today, i saw the edges of your mask and i nearly felt sorry for you because you can't see it...not yet...and maybe not ever. maybe the illusion will never shatter for you and maybe it doesn't matter. to have and to be...fromm's words illuminated for me by your spectacular light show...smoke, mirrors...you seem...but you are not.

hahahaha. today's search engine result winner? "want to fuck in akron ohio." um, ok. i mean it's pretty damn funny what people put in search engines anyway but the fact that my blog came up with that and other fun filled search queries is pretty fucking hilarious.

yeah, i'm on a little bit of a manic high right now...but you're not super surprised are you? so i'm working on the designs for my journal quilt and i think it's coming along pretty well. i sew the first part of one of the "pages" on wednesday with a piece of my hand-dyed (yes, i dyed it myself) fabric. actually it's the back of one of the pages that i'll be sewing. it's likely that this thing will end up being super offensive but so be it.

i know that things eventually must change, that after a while we no longer can live in our comfort zones, that we can no longer count on our comfort zones even existing anymore. i wonder how close to danger i walk as i try to find something stable, someone stable. can safety exist with freedom? how much must we compromise to find "safe?"

i'm amazed...stunned...now that the mask has fully come off and your beautiful lie has completely fallen apart. and i think that it must have been so tiring for you, no wonder you needed a break...you must have been exhausted. i guess once i saw the walls start to crumble, the foundation sinking into the ground...it was better for you to run and protect your creation than to let me see what was really you...maybe i'd come too dangerously close to figuring it all out...but, dear, i have figured it out.

i loved the you that was before i said that i loved you. then...click...click...click...me, crying on the tube, at the cinema at that tragic sense of life portrayed in so many heartbreaking ways and you said it was only a book, only a movie...and yet...

and yet.

hahahaha...only your hairdresser knows for sure...but nothing keeps them from telling.

ok, remember the play? the one that was banned, the one that was too controversial? well it's being reborn...as a quilt!?!