happy three year anniversary of my blog. apparently it is also the five year anniversary of columbine.

for those of you not hanging around in vienna next week, i'm telling you now that i may be the first person to do an academic presentation EXCLUSIVELY using not one, but TWO xboxes. no powerpoint, no laptop...yes, still a MS product but not exactly the usual choice...

the three-year anniversary of this blog is coming up next tuesday and it seems that i haven't been super great about updating this in a long while and i wonder why exactly that is and that maybe i should start updating it again more frequently like i did when every day still seemed like an adventure, like it still had possibilities...before i woke up one day and saw my shadow and it's been winter ever since. but maybe this time the spring feels like it could be spring once again...notice how i said could...uncertain, as everything is...but possible, a potential.

driving up prospect around 9pm and i hit a red light. sitting there...i notice that the guy in the car next to me has his windows down and i can see something flickering and i see that he has a tv mounted into the front panel of his car and he's the only one in the car and i look more closely and he has on a friggin' porn movie and i remember reading how drivers watching porn in their cars while driving was now illegal in new york and i thought, pfft, right, who is doing that...but now it seems that the craze has hit fly over country and now i can't remember anymore if we are a red state or a blue state...

ok sorry about the break in posting here...nightmares again...spring...the eerie thing is that when i looked back to what i wrote in my journals (not this blog) a year ago...i realized that i'm having the exact SAME nightmares that i had this time last year...what the fuck?

posting from a mac in c's secret lab-or-atory...took many digi pix and lomos of some of the fancy finery and findings and who knew that poison liquids...or at least liquids that look poisonous when in lab-like glassware...could make such interesting photo lenses? ok, maybe i had my suspicions. but while i'm typing this, i'm waiting for the dollar store barbie and toy army soldiers and packing peanuts to finish up in the giant silver autoclave and i hope that they've all melted together well along with the plastic fruit and meanwhile c is in the "red room." red rum???? RED RUM!!!!!

sshhhh. ok it's just the room with mysterious red kool-aid style liquids that i'm sure if i drank would turn me into...

stay tuned until next time...

like clockwork, it's still like clockwork and i wonder how so many years went by with the anger seething inside and threatening to break lose at any minute and what the fuck if it did? what the fuck if it did. fifteen years...twenty-nine years...tick tock, tick tock...could i have made another choice? what if i had made another choice? it's a cancer that i can't cut out and i can either control it or let it destroy me but i can't remove it, there's no way to remove it and i think of angry mad thoughts on the couch in his office and i wonder if i have the courage to let them out yet?

period day! yay!

uh, ok...anyway some civic unrest over here but luckily it was mostly in our heads so no body count right now to speak of. i'm working on my online photo gallery so i'll let you know when the london pix are up...of course i seem to be on a psychotic travel schedule these days...vienna next month, plus maybe prague too. i've been busy with the diss so i keep forgetting to post here but i hope everyone is doing ok.

ok so i came back with bacteria pneumonia -- eep -- and so i'm super behind in updating my blog but thank god it is this last and extra day of february so i can catch up...while watching the ocsar prep frenzy. so let me speak frankly for a sec here...as if i wouldn't...to clarify, the british action was actually action in britain versus action with a briton and, no, not with an american who pretends he's british so that he can pump up his already amazingly overinflated ego...but, yes, with an american...the one i told you about briefly in december...the one who could have a big ego but doesn't have as compared with the one that had the big ego but shouldn't have?

hugs. hugs. hugs. hugs. hugs. hugs. hugs. hugs.

loria says: ""hugs!"?? what the??? when did you start saying "hugs"? you must have gotten some british action or some seriously good narcotics. either way, don't say "hugs" anymore, it creeped me out. (ha)"

dear loria. thank you for your concern. unfortunately i didn't cross paths with any seriously good narcotics on my trip to london but action in britain was had.

;)

back from london -- will post more and catch everyone up later this weekend! hope you are all doing well! hugs!

nyquil haze and a party next door and meanwhile it's still too cold to step outside and my face feels like it's in a vice grip or maybe it needs to be in one. or something.

fuck. i hate these hollywood award shows. fucking best foreign language film golden globe went to osama versus goodbye lenin. fuck. fuck. well, at least angels in america won every award in its category...finally something i thought should win did.

ok. so i was super mad when they first came out with this bullshit sounding premenstrual dysphoric disorder as a reason for doctors to hand out scripts for even more prozac. but you know...i'm really sick of fitting the profile of "all or more of the following symptoms." do i win a prize or something? and anyway, why the fuck am i having two or more periods in two weeks? maybe i'm still just having the last one. right. all i know is that i'm stocking up on good english chocolate and cramp meds next month.

i mean can being a woman be any more fucking great? i know...there are those who say that women should "celebrate" this time of renewal, blah, blah, blah. hey, bitch? lemmie try stabbing you in the stomach every minute for three straight days and see what kind of party mood you are in after that. ok, ok...that was way over the line. but try stabbing yourself in the stomach a few times if you'd like to empathize.

after four am and i've been dealing with formatting and re-formatting tables and charts most of the night which had to be done but i hated facing up to them and trying to figure out how to tell a somewhat interesting story or at least one that doesn't me tired before i've finished a single sentence. i'm getting there. at least i don't have the panic attacks that i used to have to deal with that almost forced me to walk away from the data in the first place.

i had a daydream earlier about being back in seattle, taking ferries to all the nearby islands, driving up to vancouver, sitting around and drinking good coffee, GREAT coffee...writing. that's what i want to do. write. create new combinations of narrative media. i'd like to live there again someday because, honestly, it's one of the few places that just felt like "home" to me and i really can't explain why that is...maybe it has something to do with the fairy tale dreams, maybe it's about letting go...maybe, maybe, maybe...who knows? but i've had the dream again recently...you just appeared there, appeared in my dream...but you couldn't hurt me anymore and the sneer you always used to wear was gone from your face. maybe time had done that to you or maybe it was simply what i wanted to see...but i wonder how it had ever crossed my mind that the knife i'd held, the knife that left it's mark on me time and time again, would ever take the hurt away, would ever make me forget...but not just you...not just you...

i cross...and i wonder...did you find what you were looking for, my pained and painted lady?

i think that there should be a pill created for women to slip into men's drinks to give them instant cramp hell so that they have a full understanding of what the hell we have to put up with, you know? any women chemists out there willing to give that a try? yeah, yeah, i know...seems like the same philosophy as the date rape drugs...so i don't quite buy my own story but it's satire people. deal.

i'm so freakin' tired today and i'd blame the fact that i had to move the famed fridge out of my old office, past all the rotc boys who said "that sure looks heavy" but didn't budge to open the door, down the elevator where i accidentally kicked the emergency alarm button and talked to the 911 operator who is probably used to that shit by now...i'd blame that but i really think that i just need a nap or speed...or maybe just some coffee. and i can't for the life of me figure out who sent me something by airborne express, nor do i know what it is because they didn't leave it at my door so i guess i'm waiting until tomorrow on figuring out all that. and i saw the smoke on oak street that swallowed up the trees and the cars and the buildings and i wondered if i drove through it, if i'd find some place hidden in there that made more sense?

"isn't he just creepy and weird?"

"uh, i think i left my car lights on, be right back."

so the v-day plan has reverted back to its original purpose and now i'm thinking that we really need to go to amsterdam and check out the urinal kiosks. seems like it's the only thing left to do at this point.

i've had a pretty bad headache most of the afternoon from what i suspect was a cross between dealing with stupid walgreens and the fact that it's now -9 billion degrees outside. so i'm allergic to sulfa medications, which knocks out a certain kind of antibiotics for me. well, i saw my doctor yesterday who wanted to see how i'd do on this new drug for cramp time. so i get it filled but this morning, i was reading the warnings section and it says "do not take if allergic to sulfa medications." which ticks me off because (1) it took me four months to see my doctor and that's what he prescribes even though it says on my chart ALLERGIC TO SULFA MEDICATIONS. but the thing that really ticked me off was (2) walgreens who somehow missed the whole THIS PATIENT ALLERGIC TO SULFA MEDICATIONS bit ON the same print out that they gave me that talked about how to take this medicine where i learned that i cannot take the medication. so, uh, shouldn't their computer have beeped and flashed or something when they started filling it? so i go back to see if i can get my money back (we're talking $98 for 30 pills here...and no, they are NOTHING that anyone would want to take) and of course they start on this "well...but there's only about a 30 percent chance that you would go into anaphylactic shock, not everyone that is allergic to sulfa medications goes into anaphylactic shock so you could go ahead and try it." yeah, because a 30 percent chance that you could die is something you want to check out.

shit.

oh but i did get my money back. no, i didn't have to do the fake panic attack act that i had to do to get my november and december paychecks...this time i just used dripping sarcasm and my patented death stare.

h.f.g. it's 2004.