i never know what i'm seeing at night around this time of year. i mean is it distant lightning or just some fool still setting off fireworks somewhere?

want a postcard from the UK? send me your address! what? you don't know my email address? well, then you won't get one from me. sorry. this offer reserved for people that i know.

holy fucking god it's july. and the 4th of july at that.

your attention please...less than TWO WEEKS until my trip to london. omg. what WILL i wear. someone today said that i needed a makeover before the trip because my hair is three different colors. uh, yeah! it's that way on purpose. i mean who has black, brown, and red striped hair unless they meant to do it...that's not a matter of failure to upkeep a hairstyle -- these are vertical stripes NOT roots.

yeah anyway, i learned a cool new way to develop film onto fabric...oooh...can you say photoshop madness with the london trip photos?

sorry, sorry, sorry. no new posts for a bit now. hmm. well, i guess it's only been a couple of days. although i haven't been must of a poster in general this month. so...less than three weeks until london!!! i know that you've been dying to hear the calendar countdown on that. i have a new digital camera and i'm ready to go! the days just need to pass more quickly now!

a few guys that i know from microsoft games were apparently on the discovery channel friday night...only the email from the xbox.com mailing list came through saturday afternoon so i missed it entirely and it doesn't look like it's reairing any time soon according to my tivo. so i don't know if that was the university server fucking up (quite possibly) or some really bad timing on microsoft's part. so shit.

so i witnessed the harry potter madness last night at barnes and noble. steve wanted a copy of the new book and i met him there when he got his ticket for the "standing in line raffle" starting at midnight and then we saw finding nemo, which was ok but not nearly as hilariously great as people have been telling me. this is a suck ass summer for movies. i refuse to see the hulk because, i'm sorry, that damn cgi hulk looks ridiculous and they've lost the whole tragic existance of david banner that the series had. anyway, when we got back to barnes and noble, steve's ticket group number was called last and that probably meant that he'd get his book around 3am so he said "fuck it" and we left so i'm not sure why we went through all that but it was scary fun to see all the kids and adults in costume and all. i must say...i really don't get the whole harry potter thing but whatever. it does seem to be the "star wars" of this generation...damn i remember making my dad sit through that movie with me, like, 8 times in the 70s.

as most of you that know me know...i never pass up an opportunity to include an obscure reference to a wkrp in cincinnati episode no matter how weird it is going to sound in the midst of the conversation. so steve and i were eating lunch at whatever that mexican place near me is called now and he mentioned something about a local dj sidekick with the ability to only say "yes" "sure" and "ok" while on the air. and so i said "you know, that reminds me of that wkrp episode where fever has to interview the band scum of the earth and they start acting like complete asses the second they are on the air and refuse to say anything but yes or no."

wkrp is life. life is wkrp.

ok, here's a fun fact for you. do you ever watch the shopping channels for embarassing moments? for instance, most of you heard about the "skin care hour" that i witnessed a few months ago where a caller said that whatever face cleanser they had on the air at the moment was SUPER HELPFUL for the pimples on her ass and the hilarity that unensued as the hosts tried to hold it together. today's fun moment was watching the host chatting with a VERY ENTHUSIASTIC male caller who apparently had been buying a ton of fake diamond solitaires from them to wear himself and was VERY HAPPY to be on the air and while i say "wear what you want," the phone call seemed a little "faked," which reminded me when mel and i in undergrad called the home shopping network during one of those weird, weird parties on tee street in blacksburg and tried to get on the air, back in the days when all the shopping channels had honking horns and prices being slashed right and left and lots and lots of "genuine" smoky topaz rings.

omg! 39 days until i leave for london...ahhhhhhhhh!!!!! kick ass.

and in other news, guess what i finally decided to do with my kick ass gold gideon bible journal from ex libris anonymous? that's right! it's the case of the psychotic grandmother: the screenplay!

holy fucking god it's june.

jerome! i have some great ideas for nanowrimo -- one that i think could be totally cool and, more importantly, doable! :) im me!

driving back, driving back past one of dozens of "fresh oil" signs that have appeared in random locations all over town...something to do with all the construction i guess...i felt lonely...that lonely that you told me that you've felt before too and i missed you...i miss you.

all i could do was just put my clothes back on and walk back out, looking right through, right past anyone i passed by and who knows how i was able drive home from there, to the lab from there, to the airport from there. and we just sat there as the luggage went around the carousel, holding and being held and all we can do is wait and all i can do is wonder how long has this been going on and how much longer will it go on and how much longer i will go on, surrounded by yet another pile of handouts and maybe i should think about distributing them myself, you know? everything must go. and, in time, it will. but i don't think that it's time to go just quite yet.

tornado warning!!!!!!!

oh yeah. i don't believe in tornados.

it's a year later now...and i've realized that i no longer wonder what would have happened had i gotten on that plane that morning, the morning that everything faded to black, and how that would have been just fucking hilarious to be arriving at seatac while he was trying to call. i no longer dream of that emerald city...i no longer have those dreams where i'm wandering around the apartment one last time before i walk away, walking down to broadway...the dream where the cop shakes his head in sorrow and tells me "she has a lovely face" as i pass by and i smile when i realize that she's no longer me.

well, i tried to post something last night but blogger wasn't working right and I HATE when i lose a post. and it was a good post too but my muddled brain can't possibly recreate it at this point.

my heart, my heart racing so fast and i imagine most of you can understand why...to trust, to trust again and how sometimes it makes you feel so scared and raw and open while at the same time you realize that you are finally able to feel again and it's hard to imagine that you ever could again but there it is...your heart...not where you left it before...and that's not such a bad thing.

ok so maybe you're hoping for some *dramatic conclusion* updates. so i'm not evicted, i fought it off...oh and i have a ticket to london for july!!!! so tell me your fav places for drinking, eating, and shopping in town. as you know, i spent more time in brighton and cambridge so this will be a fun and funky couple of weeks for me! finally...a vacation.

it's hard not to feel the anxiety about the forthcoming letter...i mean when exactly is it forthcoming? is she going to send it tomorrow? next week? next year? my brother was right...did i really think it was going to end with my last response? i don't know what i thought really. it makes the dream that i had last week seem even more absurd...the one where we were both talking, talking like you think we would talk, that we should talk...the one where she was genuinely interested in finding out about who i was...the one where every moment mattered?

nina simone...

"...and the books in sanscrit are...over there? with the english translation, of course" ...and the only thing that would have made that statement funnier when we heard it yesterday afternoon at the borders on north prospect would be if he asked for a translation in yet another language...like, say, flemmish.

so my blog is now a day over two years old...it's a day over two years since i was sitting at my kitchen table with my (then) new laptop, with the door shut to my workroom, claire's boxes blocking the way, copies of my resume and notes from my phone interviews with microsoft spread all over, and the balcony smoker who i haven't heard from since last year in an email that i never did reply to probably almost has his m.d. degree unless they finally kicked him out but i doubt there's a god so beware and be warned should you find yourself ill in peoria anytime soon. and it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.

allergy time again and i spent 3 1/2 hours at mcKILLme yesterday to get a newer, better prescription for the pain in my face and by the time i was finally seen by the doctor i thought that they might as well just put a bullet in my brain to stop the pain...surely that would have been a more humane ending after making me wait for hours surrounded by a thousand undergrads having SUCH interesting and loud conversations on their cell phones.

alright. so i'm not just going to lay down and die on this whole thing. i mean what the hell, right? i mean i obviously don't have time to move so i might as well just become a giant pain in the ass and refuse to go along with this whole fraud eviction thing. i could tie them up in court for god knows how long, right? yeah...my life would turn into one giant filibuster but, hey, i'm just not going to be steamrolled on this.

calm. eerily calm. that's what i said late this morning when i was telling the doctor about how i've been since yesterday. but that's not so true any more...at least not at the present moment...after returning from looking at some of the scariest places in town that are "available now" (conversation sample: uh, what happened to the last tenent? oh i see. they were shot. yeah. ok, i'm not sure this is what i'm looking for)...i feel pretty damn faint right now...what, what, what to do.

ok...you're right. that's not such good news. but it is in a way. i mean i'm so friggin' sick of my rental agency...i won't get into it. you've all undoubtedly heard most of it by now. but fuck...yeah, this is a GREAT time to be looking for a new place to live. oh my fucking god...can this be true? can this really be happening? i mean EVICTED. it's been a long time coming i guess...i mean they've been trying to push me out of here for a couple of years now. i'm trying to extend the "10 day notice" to at least a month because, christ...what the fuck, right?

great news!!! i've been evicted! i'm not lying. i have been evicted.

sitting here at well past midnight, so angry that i want to smash my fist through the wall and then i remember the gash that still hasn't quite healed that jesse has on his arm from the last time he was raging at the machine (literally) and i have to ask myself if i really want any more scars, cuts, bruises on me at the moment. but i get so mad, you know?

so most of you know my play was finally pulled. and in the end i guess it really came down to me...i just decided not to deal with it...not to deal with the bureaucracy, the university bullshit, censorship...my words cut...not just my words...whole events changed, sanitized...SPEAK OUT...but don't speak the truth...no, no that would be bad, that we cannot accept...you must be crazy, you must be unstable...speak out, speak out, speak out...as long as we don't have to hear the truth...it's a trap, it's a trap, it's a trap...it will not set you free.

break.the.silence. just don't break the news to us. just please don't shatter our comfort. let's all just sit back and talk in the abstract, talk as if we really know how things must be because we read an article about it or heard some statistics on it, recoil with horror at the idea of it...but for god's sake...let's not hear the words that come from those who know these things for themselves because then that's when things will become uncomfortable.

break the silence...speak out...just for god's sake just don't tell us about it.

my hair is totally in red and black stripes after a two day ordeal and i think it looks pretty damn cool but outside of beckman i think that lucia was having palpitations when she saw it. but secretly i think that she really wants to do something to her hair because she keeps bringing up dying her hair...i mean enough to say that she was going to get a turquoise chunk in her hair if she gets a job offer...or was that a turquoise jumper? my hearing hasn't been so fab this week...i think that i am still recovering from that damn forcefield performance at the mca in chicago.

i thought that i was literally going to die this afternoon from pain though. i mean if i had the tools, i might have just gone ahead and given myself a hysterectomy right then and there. ok ok...over the top.

at strawberry fields in urbana this afternoon, reading an excerpt from plath's notebooks, my heart aching so much that i could hardly stand it...her words bare and raw and sad...i remembered amy in her towel, sitting on the bed of that hotel in downtown athens, crying and crying...rod with a wet towel on his head, sick from the trip back from heraklion the night before, standing on the balcony with the drifter who asked if we were planning to paint the acropolis before telling us to get a grip already...the time was already slipping by so quickly and we had no idea...and no matter how many years pass by, there she is with us...laughing and carefree and and pained and careless, the old man at the shop at the edge of the bazaar in matala noting that he felt that i was different somehow, watching, watching the world through my pen, and what was it that made me so sad...all of us, deciding everything and nothing, sitting in the dark at the tables outside illuminated by the innkeeper's television showing re-runs of chips in greek...and god what scared me so, what scares me so?

new! it's april!

ow. i have a huge bruise on my arm from crashing into the edge of the bathroom door in the middle of the night when i dared to get my cramp-ful body out of bed and get some more advil. i didn't notice the bruise until now but it is *very* impressive. not really. but i do wonder how many cuts and bruises i can attribute to menstrual cramp-related falling and fainting over the last, uh, i guess about 19 years.

new! so i'm in fund raising mode now to pay for a ticket to go to the UK for a few weeks this summer...i need to go by one of those student travel agencies sometime this week to find out what kind of deals they have. however, if anyone knows of something terrific, let me know!

whoo hoo! i got a royalty check in the mail...now i can pay my power bill. so sad...so sad...

so we escaped from near death...at least i'm sure that i was near death from disbelief after watching a *super rare* forcefield appearance about 5-6 hours ago in chicago at versionfest..."known for their idiot-savant low-tech approach to art-making, forcefield made a splash in 2002 at the whitney biennial with groupings of life-size knit figures set off by deafening a noise-band soundtrack and pulsating video projection."*art-making*...i may never fully recover.

i saw the movie the hours last night and i've been thinking about marvin most of the afternoon and evening...the lull...the reverie that listening to glass always puts me in...how it brings me back...weeping and trying not to weep during those final concerts...the anxiety building, where to go, which way to go...driving around and around and around...i can see him now. that day, years and years later...i'm waiting, waiting in front of a building that had never meant and would never mean anything to us, to him and to me together.

but i'll wonder forever.

my friend...my friend that i will never see as ill..my friend who i will always see young, laughing...because we never did meet again...on that day, in front of that building...that building that would never mean anything to us...but will forever be the place where you never aged for me, where you were healthy...where we are still driving around and around and around, wondering where to go, which way to go...young and giddy with all the love and all the hope and all the world that lay before us.

so it's official...i have a new boyfriend. your example inspired me, jerome! :)

the original pancake house on springfield was where to make the scene this morning. i guess now that spring break has started and most of the undergrads are out of here, all my grad school buds were out and about today. we can't afford a trip out anywhere so we just kind of linger for the week.

so. date number three is tonight...

ok...soon...burning man planning posts. i promise.

oh my god...how much time can we spend on the "was that a hussein body double" issue? and why does the u.s. media just call him "saddam?" what the fuck are we doing? i feel sick watching the coverage. "ever growing coalition of the willing." whatever bush.

fuck. apparently we are bombing iraq but it's too early to tell what the hell is going on exactly. FUCKKKKKKKKKK.

so i get this email this morning about some list of links that was on a website that i last was in charge of in 1997:"i recommend that you remove your dead site from the web. i'm sure it was wonderful in its day but it is royally dead now."hey thanks big brother! i'll get right on that.

ok so it was a date.

uh...so was it a date?

um...so i was on a date tonight? well, ok, so it didn't start out as a date...a coffee...but six hours later after dinner and drinks and a "i had a really great time, let's get together again soon" parting on, uh..."honorary reo speedwagon drive" (i'm not making this up...there is a fucking street called "honorary reo speedwagon drive" in downtown champaign)...apparently we had just been out on a date. and, no, this isn't some crazy scandal.

what a long day...i think i'm going to withdraw the play and forget it. this is just insane. yes, it's become even MORE insane since yesterday. i don't know what to say about it really other than this just fucking sucks. i don't know. i've talked to lucia, to christine, to yuri, and to jesse about it...they know how much this is bothering me. of course the question is out there -- why tell the story now? exactly. why now?

it's like clockwork, really...every spring. the anxiety builds and i feel like i'm about to re-live it again and again and again and i can’t stop it.

oh god...the play saga is a meta play in itself...i'm too emotionally exhausted from this week's script adaptation and stage blocking and the ENDLESS discussion about whether or not i should step out of it because it might be too *real* for me. i don't know. it just seems to be such a hassle right now...i mean...eh...forget it. i'm too tired to talk any more about it today.

so today (later today) is unofficial st patty's day on campus...the most hated day of the year for everyone who is not an undergrad. bars open at 8am on campus, which means you are very likely to find that your car has been vomited on while you were teaching a class that no one showed up for because they were out drinking green beer. and just in time for all the open houses that start tomorrow and the all prospies and their parents who will probably be molested in the street by some drunk frat boy on a dare.

ok my play is definitely on now -- it's being "adapted for stage" now. i know...uh...wasn't it already a play? the adaptation person in the theatre department looks over scripts like mine and makes sure that what is in the script can actually be performed on stage in a way that won't completely lose the audience. no words, though, have been cut. she's just putting in stage directions and such.

oh shit. i just realized that i still owe jerome some money -- eep! i'll get that to you asap!!

fuck i wish that i could afford to go to thailand for spring break. too damn much money. but steve is going to send me some fabrics from there soon for my "stash." so that looks like it's as close as i'm going to get to thailand for now.

anyway...looks like the play may be on again. i'll know for sure tomorrow. it's still *too controversial* but they are going to go for it anyway it seems. as of this moment at least.

christ. so the girl who comes to inspect my apartment? she only goes like 3 feet into my apartment and says "ok, that's fine." what the fuck? all that cleaning and all she does is come in 3 feet. whatever. i mean my living room could have been on fire and there could have been satanic messages (or any messages really) written in blood on my walls...and she wouldn't have known a thing.

cool! now i can finally start setting things on fire and writing satanic messages in blood on my walls!

oh weird...i'm about to hit the two year mark on this blog. kick ass.

two more shows of this production's run! it's been a good show and i'm glad that i stuck with it. i just hate that it really has caused some major, major problems in other parts of my life. it's funny...well, sad really...whenever i try and get to the things that are most important to me personally, it seems that something else must topple and suddenly i become a great disappointment to those that saw me as an automaton, a slavish workhorse. and i hate that i just fucking can't be everything to everyone...i just have to mean something to me right now.

whoa. the pioneer 10 finally fell silent. you know...and i know this is weird...but thinking about that lonely robot spacecraft out there in space for so long, sending us data for over three decades...i think this touches me more than the columbia. i mean i am not saying that the columbia wasn't tragic. it was. but i guess the fact that this spacecraft is out there, floating, with its message of goodwill and a map back home...i don't know. it makes me wonder if anyone will ever find it. it's like a space message in a bottle. ok, ok...i guess it touches the "geek" in me...but it also touches the artist in me. this expression of self, of science, of us...we sent this message out hoping someone/something might someday find it and understand. ah...who knows. i'm a sap.

ok, three shows down and three more to go for this production's run. lucia and cece were there last night and it was fun to see them in the audience. the show finally came together -- dicey because it's experimental stuff and therefore who knows if or when things will ever sync up. but it did. and it does feel great to be involved in the performing arts again...even if it isn't in music. and hey! i guess i can now officially say that i've been a stage actor!

up next? rehearsals for my play...that is if we can get it through the censors. unfortunately we are supported by university funds and there are a lot of conservatives holding the purse strings. but we'll figure something out. :)

oh...almost forgot. i got this weird error message today. i guess win xp doesn't have the league of nations option. you think it would but maybe it's part of the antitrust settlement.

wow...two days until the invited dress rehearsal and i'm just not getting my lines down for the last piece yet!! it'll get there...

reno. thoughts of burning man and talk today about upcoming conferences in that biggest little city that several of us called home for a while. skin burning, burning...so dry...a place to dry my tears, the tears that i'd cried for way too long. some days i think about escaping to reno again, hiding in that sad, sad heart...even just for a little while.

1937.09 miles from this place...years and years from this place. sitting on the grass on the lawn of the university overlooking the strip, talking about the children playing and the sadness that i felt when i remembered. and yet i felt safe, i remember safe...in the desert sun...holding me. and i was free.

oooh. so i forgot to tell you about the conclusion to the exciting customs story. i did finally get my shipment and all was well but i was getting all these questions like "are you sure this isn't for night vision?" and "so how exactly would you develop film for a 35mm camera?" of course i have part two of the shipment still headed my way so i'm sure i'll be going through this all over again in another day or so. i mean it's coming from friggin' AUSTRIA. i dunno. maybe the duct tape on the outside of the box caused alarm because they were wondering if it was a shipment of extra tape to sell on the black market. you know. to hold up your plastic sheeting or canned food? just duck and cover. that's all you need to know.

typical conversation with j***e on im [4:15pm, cst]:

[j***e] morn
[me] hey man
[me] want to go to burning man?
[j***e] just woke up
[me] not now
[me] in august
[me] http://www.burningman.com/
[j***e] yeah i've heard of that
[me] lets go!
[me] i have an in on a camp
[me] many others are also half interested/half scared
[j***e] i'm not going
[me] ok so i'll put you down as a maybe then
[j***e] lol
ok, so who ELSE is planning on burning man? so far there's three of us semi thinking about maybe committing to it.

i don't know what to say about the weekend really. it just kind of disappeared and now i'm facing monday again and i really can't wait to go to albuquerque for spring break and see barb, lee, dave...maybe we'll all have another adventure in santa fe. it will be so nice to see all of them again...after all, i don't think i've seen any of them since greg and i started dating...or since we broke up. hmm...something to think about...what exactly was it about our relationship that caused me to doubt everything about myself so much that i was ashamed to see anyone at all?

happy valentine's day!!!

oh! i'm collecting AOL/Earthlink/MSN/Other ISP CDs plus any CDs that you would normally be discarding (like CD burning mishaps) for a remediation art project that i'm working on. let me know if you can contribute to the cause! thanks!

oh my god. i'm in big crazy trouble right now. so i ordered this new camera and some lenses from austria, by way of russia. anyway, us customs is FREAKING OUT because at some ups dispatch center in louisville, kentucky they've decided that this is dangerous machinery and there's threats of imploding the package, etc. ugh...i just hope i don't have to pay a hefty fine because that would really suck. i have to call them in the morning to get this straightened out. terrorism paranoia i guess. all i know is that on the ups tracking website, it says that my package has been seized by customs and then i received a whole series of answering machine messages on my machine when i got home from rehearsal tonight.

you know...while i like doing photography, it's really making me crazy. i mean every friggin' time i go on an airplane guess who gets the super duper deluxe treatment? and, yes, i understand...but i'm just saying...it's just hard to stay all chipper and patient as people are smearing the lenses with all kinds of clothes to check for explosive materials all while ransacking my luggage for more stuff. the most hilarious part was the last time i was on a plane and they dumped out my entire suitcase (this is a regional airport...we don't have those ultra fancy xray super scanners like at those big city slickers airports). you know...people have made fun of me for my less-than-precise packing skills. but i felt pretty justified because in the end, everyone's ransacked luggage looked the same...just like mine has always looked. :)

haha. flashback memory to aect chicago from years ago when sherry packed about 90 pounds of books in a garment bag and the guy at the roanoke airport just about died when that came off the luggage rack. ok...only barb will remember that one.

what a long day. i'm finally, finally feeling better but there's still (always?) some chaos. yesterday my email was jammed for the second time this month due to someone sending me an enormously large file so if you sent me something and it bounced, that's why.

so i'm kind of freaked out. yesterday i got that dreaded "your dissertation is what you'll be doing for the rest of your life" speech. ok, ok...it's wasn't that dramatic. but panic inducing nonetheless. sure, i know a ton of people who have gone on to never do anything close to their dissertations again. i mean, there's the argument that you should do your dissertation that answers the questions that YOU are passionate or you'll never finish. then there's the argument that says who the hell cares because you'll hate whatever your dissertation is on forever and ever once you're done. i mean so the whole thing with yesterday is that i really trust this person and their instincts...a lot. so when he tells me that he feels like my dissertation, if tweaked, could be so much more meaningful, genre-breaking...a book, literally. well...it makes me feel like "wow...i could really do all that?" while at the same time making me feel like "shit...am i just tilting at windmills here?" so it makes my brain hurt, you know? i mean the funny thing is that we are always looking for someone to believe in us...and then when they do? we can't feel like they could possibly know what they are doing.

since we are on high terror alert now, i thought that i'd encourage everyone to go old school and immediately go out and purchase items that represent paranoia when paranoia was done RIGHT!

ex libris anonymous has FABULOUS journals made from old books from the 50s and 60s. being the heathen that i am, i picked up a journal that used to be an old gold gideon bible. but there are plenty more! give jasmine your support!

for your movie watching needs, consider getting some old 16mm educational films (converted onto vhs and dvd) from a/v geeks to learn about what terrors face us in the 1980s and how to be model citizens! i have the av geeks lunchboxed set dvds. classic!

for you link lovers out there, here's an oldie but a goodie: is dick cheney dead yet? i hope that he updates it this year...guess january was chaotic for a lot of us.

alright. who's in for burning man this year??

andrea has done it again. she always totally blows me away. in her latest newsletter she shared that instead of new years resolutions, her tradition is to create a personal theme for the year to live by. so in honor of that most kick ass idea...my theme this year is:

becoming. living the life of my true self without compromise.

and while we're at it, she shares this concept from her favorite writers, rob brezsny, that's sooooo much better than paranoia:

pronoia...the sneaking suspicion that the whole world is conspiring to shower you with blessings; the growing conviction that life is inherently designed to liberate you from suffering, fill you with joy, and make you really smart.

cool.

ugh...and it's not just a cold now. it's pneumonia. great. this has been a 100% frustrating day. i think i might just call it a night and try again tomorrow for better results.

sick...i'm unbelieveably sick right now...oy...where's cold detox when you need it?

sitting here at way-too-fucking-late-o'clock and wondering if this cold/flu will ever leave me and also wondering how come no one has come up with the rapid detox solution for the common cold. you know how they can put people into short comas while they go through the worst part of drug detox? i want something like that for the head colds. yeah, yeah...i know...there's nyquil. give me a fucking break. child's play. let's face it...it's just not that great. no, i'm thinking of something on a much grander scale. i mean wouldn't it be lovely to just be in a drug induced coma while the worst of the cold is there? i mean would that work? could that work? i mean we might as well be knocked out for a few days, right? it's not like we're super efficient workers while we are typing with one hand and blowing our noses with the other. not to mention we look like absolute hell and being in a short coma would keep you from feeling even worse because you wouldn't catch a glimpse of your pale green skin, red eyes, and...uh...ok. you get the point.

anyway...bunkadoo, a.k.a. jeromenome, has a great idea about v-day cards. he wants to bring back the days where we gave valentine's cards to our friends and it wasn't this national day of mourning for all the unattached. and marion will appreciate this flashback to emporium daze...all these years and still no one has marketed that damn ftd death bouquet (tm) idea i came up with while we were selling all those god damn roses back in the 'burg. i'm still telling you that it would work. when you hate enough to send the very worst.

so did i tell you that i HAVE a sewing machine now? and so now i'm sewing every day and it's totally crazy. and i was just telling my mom on the phone how i ran across this grad student at UVA'a (i think) web site and he was talking about how the only way he remained sane during his dissertation writing was by making stuffed animals. somehow he got it into his brain that he would learn to sew and sew he did, making tons and tons of stuffed animals. so maybe there is something to this quilting thing of mine.

the funny thing about it is that i was convinced that i didn't like quilts (and WHY exactly did i sign up for a quilting class?) but really i don't like those pastel kinds that look (and usually are) manufactured. you know the kind i mean...the kind when you hear the word "quilt" and you think (a.k.a., i think) "yuck...nononononono way is that going into my house." so, yeah, i still hate those quilts. but i've been seeing these quilt examples at the store that i go to, in the classes i've been taking, and on the web and there are these cool stories that are told through the quilt, only you just have to learn how to see it. and i guess that's true with anything really...the story is there. you just have to learn how to see it.

my latest movie obsession: bollywood! get your bollywood films at indofilms. works like net flix. i can't wait for my first four to arrive!

you know what's kind of funny? ok, it's a LOT funny. for some reason my cable modem company is blocking the microsoft site. but luckily the msn "sorry we can't find your site" search page pops up on my internet explorer and asks me if i was looking for microsoft (again, blocked) or mmicrosoft. now why the hell does it even offer me mmicrosoft as an option? i know, i know...it's a 'bot and not a static web page...but still. you think that bill would make sure that something like that wouldn't happen.

in other news, my play has been deemed *too controversial.* lord. it's not yet clear, however, if *too controversial* means "uh...we've got a problem..." but as the magic 8 ball suggests...all signs point to "yes." hehe. i've always wanted to be *too controversial.*

ugh...the flu. it's official. and that's fine, really...it's like -36 outside.

an old friend of mine is once again touched with fire it seems. and i recognized the voice right away on the phone. i mean i knew it was her...but i also knew which version of her it was. once you've heard the sound of madness descending, you cannot forget...and i just remembered that it's been ten years and my blood runs cold. a whole decade has passed in the blink of an eye and here we are again...the play goes on and on...a pattern. and i can't seem to shake the feeling that we've gone all this way only to arrive exactly where we started...only i'm not sure we know the place quite yet...only that we know that we've arrived...once again.

wanted: xbox stickers...to decorate my videogame journal! :)

i want my blogger mug back dammit!

anyway, i'm dying for some new games but i don't have any cash right now. job opportunity part two came my way earlier this week but i, once again, had to beg off due to timing. too much cancer last year to finish up...but it's all over now. and we're moving on.

so last night i did something TOTALLY uncharacteristic for me. any guesses? i took a *gasp* basic quilting class. there's this sewing place like 14 steps from my apartment (ok maybe it's a little farther than that but it's damn close...it would take me longer to get there if i drove rather than walked) and they rent out machines and they offer classes and such. so back in december, COMPLETELY on a whim...i walked over and asked them if they offered classes. and normally just getting information would be more than enough to end my manic wanderings. but no...i signed up to take a class. so when getting information somehow fails to curb my manic excitement, usually signing up and paying for whatever the object of my attention is then takes care of it...and then i don't do anything more from there. and then i bought the supplies for the class...and then last night...i showed up for the class. and you know...it was absolutely insane because I'VE NEVER SEWED ANYTHING IN MY LIFE. and so it was weird because i was using this super technical sewing machine that kind of felt like i was using a racing wheel for one of my racing games...had the pedal and everything. but the damn amazing thing is that now i have these little sewed together squares and i'm trying to figure out how the hell it was possible that i sewed something together at all! but apparently i did...go figure.

and you know...i don't really even like quilts. i mean the traditional kind. but i like the idea of making something that looks completely, completely absurd and modern, like with velvet in wild colors. so i felt like i was getting the knowledge that i needed to do something, well, absurd and modern. and this post is going nowhere really but i just had to share.

some sad news...lucia's father passed away on thursday and my heart is with her and her family. so everyone...send good thoughts her way...thoughts of strength, of healing, of courage.

i don't know why i forgot to mention this the other day but cece, rachel, mike, harlan, sarah, and i all went out to boltini's to check out the 16mm educational films set to a rock-n-roll soundtrack. it sounded amazingly wacky and they even had $1 schlitz cans...but the show wasn't all that. but the company was great and we all had lots-o-laughs anyway. AND i got to wear my wacky-ass coat that i bought at a local vintage shop. what better occasion, right?

sigh...why can't my apartment people fix the goddamn fuse in the bathroom? it seems to blow every three months. shower by candlelight i guess...again.

why is carrot top famous? can someone answer this for me? i just saw an ad on tv for the hollywood squares and he's apparently on it...WHY? why does this guy exist?????

i think that i eat like a drug addict. actually i don't know if that's the right title for my dining behavior but it feels right at the moment. i mean some days i only have candy to eat. all day. that's it. candy and orange juice. then there's the days that i might only eat steamed rice. today is a tv dinner day. i guess i'm on a health kick right now, huh? actually i think that i mostly eat like a grad student...i dine on whatever i can afford at the moment. which is kind of like being a drug addict...although i'm not sure that all this research gives you quite the same high.

so you probably haven't heard of this place unless you are me or bunkadoo but today's shopping recommendation is lush fresh handmade cosmetics based in canada. as bunkadoo and i can attest, they have THE best bath products ever. this is based on asynchronous remote research that we have both conducted in our own, uh, labs and is not based on synchronous co-located research with bunkadoo...who did tell a story recently about some kind of synchronous co-located research involving free-falling out of showers when showering in groups. but that's some new direction that he's leading his lab in and you'll have to ask him to brief you on that.

guess who's been working on their methods chapter again???

i hit a new low in dissertation procrastination today...i just spent the last three hours removing every single stain in my carpet and cleaning...and i mean COMPLETELY...cleaning my cat's litter boxes to perfection. nice...

well, i've been amazingly busy all day ever since i discovered lomography on the web and now i'm completely obsessed with it. ok i've also been doing other things but i really love the history behind lomography -- high quality art photography for the people. it's so very art as experience as chip might say. and christ...i just said it too. fuck.

anyway, according to this site...lomography is "...at first glance, a bit like good old photography, but it is actually something else, something completely different. it requires uncompromising and relentless snapshots of everyday insanity by lomographers using their lomos. these are taken from the hip, over their heads, through legs, from the floor, upside down, facing backwards, etc..."

kick ass.

holy shit! that book we did??? it just went into REPRINT. shit. who knew?

oh -- i now have a livejournal mainly serving as a passthrough to here so that i can take advantage of the LJ communities while still focusing on my blog.

in the "ok...i deserve this" category...

i either have (1) the flu, which i don't think that i really *deserve* but it just kind of figures because i was making such a big stink a few weeks ago about how i would rather have the flu 7000 times than get a flu shot.

or...i have (2) some god awful parasite from that whatever-tartare that i ate at that restaurant the night my brother announced his engagement when i stated something along the lines of "i can eat whatever the hell i want i don't care if it's dangerous or not and stop fucking telling me what to do i'm not three years old" blah blah blah.

here's hoping that it's just the flu. and here's hoping that i don't get it 7000 times if it is.

update on the boxes...not everything was ruined. the goretex raincoat survived (damn that stuff's amazing). most of the other clothes are kinda moldy, the cd player doesn't seem to be working, and all the shampoos/soaps/etc all kind of exploded into one big mess. probably the weirdest thing he sent back was the book on london that i got him for our six month anniversary when everything was still happy and hopeful. although looking back...ah...never mind. it doesn't really matter anymore, does it?

it's kind of funny, though...i had a dream about fiji the other night. no, not the country...that fraternity that john was in back in undergrad...remember him? anyway...yes...it was a fairy tale dream (tm). and as far as i can figure out, it was mostly about ghosts. not the supernatural kind...just those people who used to be your friends back when you were dating their friend but once the relationship is over...yeah, you know what happens. and i imagine that i had the dream because i've been thinking about the friends that i lost when greg and i broke up. god knows why i was dreaming of people and places from 12 years ago though...patterns...patterns...patterns...

oh yeah. many of you have asked me what this mystery play is all about. well, the main thing that i can tell you right now is that it's about the conversations that we all have when a new relationship begins to become something more significant. and it's about that dance we do, trying to find a way to convey the pain that we have felt, the experiences that we have had...simultaneously hoping that they will have the strength to stay...and hoping that if they don't that they'll leave now before you start to fall and even the king's men can't put you back together again.

happy new year everyone! harlan, christine, yore, and i all spent a low key new year's eve together cooking, eating, and watching happenstance and ringing in the new year to the sound of...uh...owls. christine has this bird clock that "chimes" a different bird sound every hour and i guess midnight is the owl hour. they say that midnight is the witching hour...and i guess witches sometimes have owls...so there you go. anyway, it was a really nice time. not a crazy new years...but just casual and happy and fun. and i guess that for the first time in a long, long time i realized that maybe i'm not so alone in the world. and i don't really know what specifically made me feel that way tonight and i guess it really doesn't matter. the important thing is that i feel like things are going to be ok. somehow. finally.

i realized on the drive home tonight that i've been a pretty crappy friend over the last 7-8 months. and i'm sorry about that everyone. that's the part of depression that really amazes me...that for some reason when you are falling into it, you have to push everyone away so far and create an even bigger...well...loneliness. and it's not until you come back out of it that you realize that the pushing not only hurt you...but other people as well.

may we all find peace this year.

oh! happy bday bunkadoo!

i arrived back in champaign about an hour ago...and there were three soaking wet boxes on my porch. three boxes...sitting in the rain, snow, and floods that apparently happened here while i was in dc. not to be confused with the rain, snow, and floods that happened in dc while i was in dc. who the hell would send me boxes while i was out of town you say??? who else...the dreaded ex. impressive that almost all of it is completely ruined because it was sitting in water outside for at least a week. at least i can ring out the old year fully and completely.

oh...and my younger brother is now engaged.

yesterday's book selection was...microserfs by douglas coupland. especially if you work at or have ever worked at microsoft. you will undoubtedly feel warm and fuzzy when he describes all that is the eastside. particularly funny (to me) are the mentions of the pro club.

60 minutes II has on a piece called sex, lies & videogames, which shows b-b-b-b-b-b-ill in mill-d playing the reporter in the only fun game that's in fuzion frenzy, sumo. anyway it was largely a fluff piece on videogames aimed at *older* *mature* audiences (from the sims online to bmx xxx) but when they showed the microsoft parts i was hoping that i'd see someone that i knew walking around outside the building. no such luck.

whoa...i made it! i'm actually the newest member of that experimental social theatre group now. AND i'm going to get to perform my piece "15-to-life" in april. and that's not all!!!! i also won a full tuition and fee waiver for spring...thank god! so despite the monsoon we are having outside (and, yes, i have yet another leak in my roof)...today's a pretty sunny day!

harlan pointed out via email today that i do have fans of my blog, even if no one else except bunkadoo ever leaves me comments...i dunno...sniff...it seems that only bunkadoo really cares...sniff...

[was that pathetic enough for everyone? ;) ]

so here's the situation: the university has this special course that you can take if you are a grad student nearing completion which makes you look like a full time student only you don't have to pay tuition. the benefit to taking this course is that your student loans don't kick in because it looks like you are still registered. ah...so you are waiting for the catch 22? you cannot be receiving any funding, including student loans while you take this oh-so-special course. so once again the graduate school rushes in to help out those who are in a situation where apparently they don't need any money because they are being supported by their spouse or whatnot. terrific! outstanding!

btw, have you seen that visa ad where this salesgirl freaks out when she sees that british girl from frasier and it turns out that she's only freaking out because she's using a visa card? anyway, christina from high school is the freaking out salesgirl.