tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8335282012-02-23T02:07:05.699-06:00heaven and helli hope you cry when you get homeMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.comBlogger9101100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-52938144230947590532012-01-27T02:15:00.001-06:002012-01-27T02:25:46.918-06:00he.for all the 13 years i've known him artificial intelligence has been his life...even after fading away from our overlords...he still collects, reads, notates, and thinks deeply about it all. if i've had to think of anyone who should have finished never could, it's j. for me? once i'd decided that the path i was on was no longer interesting to me, once i realized that i would never been healthy Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-55295747650531964442012-01-14T14:22:00.001-06:002012-01-14T14:22:46.064-06:00so i'm moving. i'm leaving champaign after all these years. and i'm finding myself saying "oh this is the last time i'll do XYZ in champaign." of course my car had to totally break down yesterday...and i won't get an estimate on what the damage is until monday. sigh. the movers come tuesday and wednesday. and i'm wondering if i can just leave the damn couch that no one will take as a "gift" to myMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-77182247536002999052012-01-14T14:14:00.001-06:002012-01-14T14:14:13.696-06:00i normally don't quote the bible but this passage from the book of job has stuck with me ever since i first heard ithave you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep?have the gates of death been shown to you?what is the way to the abode of light? and where does darkness reside?have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? tell me, if you know all this."godMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-68331777190333246422011-11-01T02:28:00.001-05:002011-11-01T02:28:14.969-05:00NaNoWriMo has started!Maybe you know of National Novel Writing Month? Well, I'm trying it again. It's fiction based on themes and events I've experienced all mashed together.
Here's a snippet of the beginning:
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Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-31284159528335363812011-10-05T03:52:00.001-05:002011-10-05T04:07:08.740-05:00fix me...41 years here in this life...4+1 major surgeries in a year...two decades past the that last birthday that was crazy fun that could never again be repeated in spirit or in health...41 stitches that i can count...4.1 steps is now slightly past the number of steps to arrive at the halfway mark between 5 yards of a football field...where am i? when you try your best, but you don't succeedwhen you getMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-49199145186234967792011-09-26T04:47:00.001-05:002011-09-26T04:47:41.200-05:00tired...so tired...4:14 am when i'm starting this. i spend so much time on the social networking war between facebook and google+ that i forget to blog...and i forget to journal...and...i forget to live.i'm not sure why i'm awake right now...i should try and sleep again...i think it's because chris is finally coming home after being in kenya for the last 11 days...although he probably won't get back to ny until Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-33463021284550691642011-07-23T05:36:00.002-05:002011-07-23T06:03:57.665-05:00after less than three hours of sleep, i'm wide awake thanks to the prescription of "v" that the doctor gave me for the back pain... that is, until the shots that are on the way... in which i might need more, as they are supposed to be painful -- depending on who you ask -- either during or two days after. of course my not sleeping well because "v" gives me insomnia and the travel may leave me Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-60954589978196191902011-06-14T00:19:00.005-05:002011-06-14T00:50:17.655-05:00after a while you stop marking the number of days it's been, the number of weeks, months, and even years...since you saw them that last time, the last time. they cease to stay at the forefront...they get shuffled in with the rest...those you lost in your 20s...in your 30s...in your 40s...sleight of hand,jump off the end.into a clear lake,no one around.you hug yourself closely, tightly and you Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-27811917707394590262011-06-11T02:16:00.002-05:002011-06-11T02:43:09.292-05:00migraine season is just getting to be too annoying for words. if you go to an ER because the pain threatens to bore a hole in your head (by you), they tell you "well we know it's a migraine. we could give you a ct scan (again with the "i've had so many for so many things that i can be seen in other solar systems"...if it were still "2010," perhaps i could be that "second sun" that emerges at the Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-19199939203934306332011-06-09T21:30:00.006-05:002011-06-11T00:30:49.914-05:00yeah, yeah, the song landslide's been used lately on everything from glee to south park (seriously? how does a cartoon character - stan - LEAVE the show? was butters being too much of a diva?)...but it reminds me of a complicated relationship...that, well, i've had all my life, literally...and one that even seven years of intense psychotherapy couldn't even begin to tease apart...too bad we neverMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-54527534315363827212011-04-04T01:10:00.003-05:002011-04-04T01:17:01.889-05:001:10am and day 63 (?) of pneumona? i feel the dark clouds coming down around me and here we go around...and around and around. i have to ask myself why i'm even in illinois right now. i guess sick is sick anywhere but if i were in NY at least i'd have my sweet guy and my catties. and let's face it...it's not like i'm getting anything done...pneumonia = fevers, coughs that keep me up all night...Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-58272963395742555882011-03-30T18:01:00.003-05:002011-03-30T18:55:51.240-05:00i'm kind of inventing my own genetics version of the kevin bacon game. well, ok, "the game" is what most people call genealogy. but, anyway, i never ventured out too far into my family tree until now. it seems like we've got just about every major religion covered -- so much so that to get both my mother's and father's sides together we either achieve world peace or launch (yet another) holy war.Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-76788145914742236962011-02-17T20:20:00.002-06:002011-02-17T21:00:57.109-06:00new york is lonely. i wish we could live in the city but we're in the nyc "greater area" right now because it's where chris works...five minues from the bronx but nowhere close to a train...and i have no car.my shrink fired me after the stunt i pulled in september and since then, even in illinois, i haven't had that support structure in so long that i can hardly remember what it was like. and it Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-61822442437289054942010-12-30T13:03:00.002-06:002010-12-30T17:35:21.974-06:00i always liked the book/movie title "cold mountain" because it reminds me of where my mom's from in southwest virginia where the coal mines once completely left town, where tragedy seems to strike constantly in the remote and isolated town, where my mom was the oldest of ten and really was a "coal miner's daughter" (although she's completely completely tone deaf so no country music career for herMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-62142085671634085682010-11-22T00:20:00.002-06:002010-11-22T00:32:30.963-06:00did I mention that my therapist dumped me the other day? oh yeah he did - and in one of the shittier days I've had in a while. after eight years and boom that's it. I already knew the words before he said them aloud: "we've gone as far as our journey can take us and my door is always open to you but our time here is up."that's nice. sure we can have a few debrief sessions but why? I mean wasn't Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-49846240298527575862010-11-21T23:48:00.002-06:002010-11-22T00:08:20.242-06:00lost in itasca. No, not really... we know where we are now and it's nowhere near where Chris needs to be at 6am for a job interview outside NYC. Had we known the hotels website was gravely underestimating the amount of miles it was from o'hare than WE WOULD HAVE PICKED ANOTHER FUCKING HOTEL!!!so who knows what he'll expect tomorrow or if he'll come back tomorrow or tuesday. meanwhile I have to Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-79254232902391961982010-10-13T04:05:00.002-05:002010-10-13T04:16:39.356-05:00i haven't been to this place in so long... i'm sorry about that.so much has happened and there are no explanations, no reasons... nothing. off of the prozac and thinking about stopping the wellbutrin... strange that off the prozac i feel again. and it's strange and exciting and confusing...i told my father that he and my brother are trying to sabotage my path... and ultimately their paths. what iMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-45540714244242507872010-07-11T01:21:00.003-05:002010-07-11T01:26:56.776-05:00i haven't blogged in a long while. i'm not sure why. i suppose that i needed to think about things inside my heart, my soul, my mind...i needed to find...something. this blog is almost 10 years old? how can that be? i must sleep...and with sleep...hope...that dies at dawn...unless i can change it...how?Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-19998247757330361452009-10-20T06:27:00.001-05:002009-10-20T06:28:54.393-05:00you never know. sometimes during a long dark night of the soul...you find another soul and you save each other.Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-74872329119086012592009-08-08T22:22:00.002-05:002009-08-08T22:37:57.817-05:00i nod at the working girls at the circle k before i head to get a gallon of the cheap sugar shit that if you water down enough tastes like soda after its been sitting out open all day in the rain...because that's what i can afford...because that's what we can all afford...even the dealers outside the cars in the drive through at the gyro place that just closed are having a hard time......and the Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-18626598008458904472009-08-03T13:54:00.002-05:002009-08-03T14:01:20.210-05:00i should know who i am by nowi walkthe record stands somehowthe washington post did call and i told everything i could recall about my time spent with miller at virginia tech...thinking of winteryour name is the splinter inside me while i waitwhat will happen to you? anything? the answer i fear to be true? nothing.and i remember the sound of your november downtownand i remember the truthand i Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-51258835744076321212009-07-31T19:29:00.012-05:002009-07-31T23:15:17.866-05:00i suspected someone from the media would find it on google...5am [saturday] morning, [friday] night, far from sleep...after the walk of shame...i left when he'd passed out asleep...i'm still up and [walking], can't go home obviously...i drove hours through nearby west virginia after taking the walk of shame...it was me and a gun and a man on my backand i sang holy holy as he buttoned down his Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-51269771086805610312009-07-30T16:30:00.002-05:002009-07-30T16:40:37.252-05:00why can't we tell our stories online? is everyone afraid we'll break? or are they afraid they'll break? i don't care who knows what i write. i write because i want my truth to come out...it may not be the only *truth* out there but dammit...someone's gotta make the first step...anyway, if you just want to tell me that i'm unprofessional and/or telling too much...you don't have to read my posts. Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-21381618976059250762009-07-30T16:27:00.008-05:002009-08-17T00:12:46.145-05:00years ago i met with my first student with full on suicidal ideation. she wouldn't be the last...nor would she be the last student of mine that i tried to reach out to. i remembered that night when i learned that she's now ok, more than ok...i've been meaning to talk about it...it was my job...wasn't it? to be there for my students even if it gets deep? i was reprimanded numerous other times for Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-85549468749378425632009-07-29T21:41:00.009-05:002009-07-30T00:14:14.551-05:00it's really the failure of our higher learning institutions...why can't they figure out some damn way to safeguard personal information WHILE getting people help? sure, we have the *famous* university of illinois system where they make you go to counseling 4 times and even if you say nothing, it doesn't matter as long as you are physically in the room...and that sure (did not) stop(ped) c's Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-80700580256243006742009-07-24T12:38:00.002-05:002009-07-24T12:41:50.385-05:00...and for those that have asked, no, i don't mind if you read my blog past the one entry. i may have trust issues but this is something i've talked and counseled people about for years. so feel free to comment, read, write me, call tech...whatever you like. i put myself out there sometimes because if what i say can help someone in the same situation then what i've been through was worth talking Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-49288919025100322822009-07-24T04:30:00.009-05:002009-07-24T13:44:59.723-05:00the thing about writing about something that's in the news in a blog sometimes gets you more attention than maybe you wanted when you first wrote the post. then again...did i mean not to say what i had to say? did i not mean to test the waters to see if i had the courage to write a less vague post...to see if i would call virginia tech, the virginia state police, and anyone else that might want Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-68418837308196237782009-07-23T20:11:00.005-05:002009-07-23T20:31:41.173-05:00oh dr. miller...seriously? you took the records home by accident? kind of like how you accidentally went to my junior and senior recitals and then found me in the music building before graduation and brought it up in public? you weren't allowed to be there nor did i say anything about it. not that you'd been in your office ever...why so many appointments canceled with no explanation. no apologiesMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-16485548741506669732009-07-05T00:33:00.002-05:002009-07-09T17:40:15.868-05:00an iranian friend of the family invited me and my parents to eat a homecooked iranian meal tomorrow night that is good for health! that was really nice of her to invite us...i'm not awake too much these days but i figure i should go with anything that has the chance of healing me, right?chris should be coming soon now that the grant writing is over...he was trying to get a grant in before the Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-36302392531278109232009-06-29T22:45:00.001-05:002009-06-29T22:45:27.424-05:00call me patient 8. that's what the FDA does, thanks to my allergy to that chemical used in surgery. patients 1-6 died. we're not sure what patient 7 is up to but according to the company that makes it...it has no known allergic reactions...well, except for those death and near death ones the FDA has now confirmed. i'd say that i was in the "top ten" but there aren't ten of us yet but you can bet Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-13124981689688399642009-06-21T21:56:00.003-05:002009-06-21T22:12:21.961-05:00ok. so the blood wasn't bad enough to see (thanks gravity!). no...my vanity decided to walk in the room at the same time and it was the first time i'd seen myself standing up without the bandages...oh my fucking god. so i did what i do best these days...cried.i mean it's vanity. i know that. pure and simple. but, wow...i mean i'm doing my best to cope with all kinds of shit from all directions Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-87778309517717370062009-06-08T22:54:00.001-05:002009-06-08T22:54:11.726-05:00social media is really out of control...seriously. i just want to write old school letters and forget that people want to snipe you every chance that they get. i mean i'm sick. i almost died. i did die for a minute. i'm asking for common courtesy and all i get back is why i am an evil person. really? am i really that bad?no. it's not from everyone. it's really from people i don't even know and Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-62682989902723899812009-06-06T16:04:00.001-05:002009-06-06T16:04:18.129-05:00no matter what i say...it's wrong. i'm not trying to hurt anyone...really i'm not. i just am having a hard time recovering...it's not just the recovering bit...it's just how slow and how much it hurts...and i have flashbacks to the hospital...and i cannot believe i was strong enough to not break down into an anxiety attack...as alison always says...you do what you need to do. she would know for Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-55919056369715884762009-06-05T18:57:00.003-05:002009-06-05T21:57:17.100-05:00i can't remember any white light or dark shadows or any other ideas about dying temporarily. then again, i was under a pretty damn powerful anesthetic...maybe big pharma has outdone any possibility of seeing any previews of the next place...or maybe...i wish i could curl up into the fetal position but i can't. it hurts too much to be in any position but one. i don't know why or how but the pain Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-57037138608819281472009-06-03T22:49:00.002-05:002009-06-03T23:05:33.322-05:00i should start blogging again...i have too much to say for facebook, WAY too many characters to say it in stupid twitter...i just want to blog/journal whether or not i have readers or not.so i hurt. the open part of the incision will probably hurt for 2-4 more weeks...more painkillers...i just want to be free of it all. i thought, earlier, that chris was in the office when the tears started Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-75941510155896904302009-02-07T23:01:00.002-06:002009-02-07T23:08:27.978-06:00sometimes i forget about this. matt reminded me of it when he told me tonight that he was titling his sunday sermon tomorrow after the title of the blog. i'm ready to stop being sick, i'm tired of inaction, i'm tired of being so still...frozen in time. what am i waiting for? oh year...to recover...from not just the surgery but all the years of pain. will i find heaven here on this earth? or more Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-74107732612738180452008-11-22T20:31:00.003-06:002008-11-22T20:42:59.199-06:00surgery for the endo is now rescheduled from dec 17th to jan 5th...so now i have one more period left...again. all because this one came early. so another trip to the er...another lecture...accusations that there is no endo, no surgery...even no period. and of course the apartment people have to be bothering us again and i just want to know...WHAT ELSE???? of course it wouldn't be fair to tell meMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-46372395756942873992008-10-23T20:37:00.002-05:002008-10-23T20:55:24.825-05:00from last week's er ("the book of abby") and from the old testament ("the book of job"):why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul, to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more than for hidden treasure, who are filled with gladness and rejoice when they reach the grave? for sighing comes to me instead of food; my groans pour out like water. Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-1655936819778719942008-09-03T03:45:00.002-05:002008-09-03T04:22:12.416-05:00yeah...so i don't know what the fuck is going on. but i can tell you that i'm already sick of it.Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-85392305196548388632008-07-12T14:11:00.002-05:002008-07-12T14:16:07.336-05:00so every single muscle in my body hurts after three days on the new job that i had to take because i have to pay off medical expenses and pay for my fall university fees. meanwhile i still have work to finish from the last job and it makes me psycho to think about and how i wish it would just disappear. ugh...but it's amazing how that job is like riding a bike and that is both cool and completelyMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-59678651158472402202008-06-20T01:58:00.002-05:002008-06-20T02:06:48.709-05:00brilliant.i first saw requiem for a dream before seattle, back in the days of paul the chainsmoking alcoholic med student who admitted that emma thompson's character in "wit" had moved him to tears so much that it caused him to downward spiral into a depression coma for days. when i got to seattle -- my detox from all the crap with paul and a few other cast of characters (or has it been the past Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-69101950491126414522008-06-03T21:27:00.003-05:002008-06-03T21:30:28.386-05:00the sirens are going off...it's officially tornado season for champaign-urbana. i must say...i don't feel freaked out like i did when I first got here. apparently we're going to get 60mph hail and a whole hell of a lot thunder and lightning in, oh, minutes from now...Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-29914914359852843722008-06-01T22:01:00.002-05:002008-06-01T22:20:45.829-05:00not sure if you've been watching the tudors but you know me when i get in one of these moods where i try to find the just in an injust world...and i watch things like "wit" where all we can do is focus on the commas to keep from crying about the lonely life of academics.i have two months of back work i need to do this summer, along with everything else in the world going on. or is it that the Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-47752415386085730492008-04-23T18:44:00.002-05:002008-04-23T19:49:22.107-05:00ok blogger outage is over. and the 20th was my 7th anniversary of this blog.i was recently asked, via facebook, to identify the rest of the "terrible ten" that made up the founding of a chapter of a professional music fraternity i and -- go figure -- 9 other people helped found. i was kind of surprised that no one had that written down any place. but, while, sure there was a little disappointmentMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-17404367245343854182008-04-23T17:34:00.002-05:002008-04-23T17:55:44.371-05:00you know...a lot of stuff has happened lately that's made me wonder about the role that hazing has played in my life. the odd part of it is that any and all hazing i've been a part of happened within MUSIC departments.a lot of people like to auto-blame the social greek system at universities. not that it's completely without merit and there aren't tons of examples that lend truth to rumors. my Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-12948871665201163062008-04-19T21:38:00.002-05:002008-04-19T22:08:28.741-05:00i'm so stressed about this whole endo thing. i'm trying to change things, i'm trying to avoid the crushing depression that enters in when i know i'm about to lose the next week and a half or two...just like every month. so far i haven't had to go to the ER but we'll see what the middle of the night or tomorrow will bring. i mean it's hard not to just curl up and cry...like i haven't already done Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-61237774096049272332008-04-10T22:09:00.002-05:002008-04-11T00:44:04.063-05:00much like the beginning...here i am, up late at night, with stacks of books from the library, human subjects forms, and thinking about pulling out my hair (although i think i've done a pretty good job so far without thinking about it...don't think...do). less than 10 days until the 7 year anniversary of this blog...crazy, huh? 7 year itch?if there's a purgatory, i'm pretty sure i've been in it Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-23005880567870181512008-04-01T17:42:00.002-05:002008-04-01T18:28:39.735-05:00yeeech...come on AP...your latest campaign contains some THE ugliest stuff i've seen in a LOOOOONG time. seriously...the green leopard thing? what's THAT about?Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-84660163332438344232008-03-25T22:19:00.004-05:002008-03-26T02:19:55.157-05:00i found this letter on facebook in an endo group called (go figure) i hate endometriosis. on there was a letter written by an anonymous source that feels like my mind has just downloaded onto the computer screen. normally i don't go for these kinds of mailings or posts but this one resonated with me 100% and i was glad to read it. march is endometriosis awareness month -- get educated!Dear Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-6132441237065440822008-03-10T20:45:00.003-05:002008-03-10T21:00:02.695-05:00some major shit is going down but i don't get to know what it is until late tomorrow. a frantic call, asking if it was possible that i could come to the house tomorrow because i'm the only one who will know what to do......once you leave a job where you were surrounded by 100s of undergrads every day of the week...it's hard to figure out what makes you feel relevant. there's something about the Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-65445614158369338602008-03-07T22:08:00.003-06:002008-03-08T13:06:13.221-06:00i'm in one of those kind of blue modes right now and the memories keep flooding in during the dream and wake spaces both and i don't know how to sort them out...or where to sort them out...and i wonder...i still dream of organon.i wake up cryin'.you're making rain,and you're just in reach,when you and sleep escape me.memories of my father...i know there have to be good ones in there, right? why Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-29726715537059454292008-03-04T17:45:00.003-06:002008-03-04T17:57:36.961-06:002:15...knock on the office door. "michelle hinn? we need to secure your computer because something you are doing has compromised the network." yeah one uiuc cop and two sys admins with their laptops rush in, asking me questions about my relationship with EFNet, then they see...yes, i am running a mac irc client. ROFL. christ. they came bursting in like they were nabbing a cyberterrorist and all iMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-87204063975375029222008-01-10T22:43:00.001-06:002008-01-10T22:45:37.735-06:00there are three letters missing on my vita and i don't even need to buy a vowel to know exactly what they are.time to go collect my winnings.Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-86792192040725752902008-01-06T14:34:00.000-06:002008-01-06T14:56:40.793-06:00this just in! new banned word: wayfindinguh...why are we so lost? do we need to be found? do we need to fit into a model or framework before we are found? are we all just walking around waiting for someone to put us in a category so we can accept it and move on or rally against it until a new model or framework comes along that makes us feel like we are finally understood because we have a label Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-65143504634150083882008-01-06T14:01:00.000-06:002008-01-06T14:25:05.346-06:00banned words of the day: framework and modelwhy? because if i have to read one more fucking article that suggests a framework or model for "understanding" whatever it is we are supposed to be informed about, i might implode. seriously. why, why, why must we be bombarded by endless babble about how to group things together and when grouped what we should call them. enough!the next conference call Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-27813640916687759322008-01-05T22:16:00.001-06:002008-01-05T22:40:02.418-06:00so i skipped about a month and a half on this thing. sometimes life is just too much to put online...to those of you that think i put everything on here? not even close. but anyway it's now 2008. a new year. a new start. maybe i'll finally figure out who i am and who i want to be. last year was dramatic. today's ok.i'm doing one of my favorite dissertation tasks (a.k.a. need to procrastinate? Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-12131537138543046432007-11-09T01:16:00.000-06:002007-11-09T01:45:55.637-06:00yeah, not a lot of blogging action this year...i'm not sure why though. am i just bored with this now? i'm not even keeping a journal very well either (you know...the old school paper kind). yet...there's so much to write about, it's scary.we went to the ER tonight. i left for the ER around 5:45 after ending class early because i was in so much fucking pain it was insane. and they were nice to meMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-24541248139542964232007-10-11T18:46:00.000-05:002007-10-11T18:57:06.220-05:00i am so fucking tired it's unbelievable. this conference took way more time and money than i thought and thank god for our patron or i'd be total dead meat. that doesn't mean that i don't need to cover an extra two grand. at what point did i decide that making money was a bad idea?you know...if i had to compare...this is worse than crunch time at MS games and hey, it's great of a certain 4 Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-50917600881170407262007-09-22T15:08:00.000-05:002007-10-11T18:46:47.904-05:00i have to say...i'm in love with chanel no. 19. so ok, that wasn't a super important thing to report on. or is it?Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-74973800798979986902007-09-21T15:45:00.000-05:002007-09-21T16:14:29.718-05:00ok so most (none?) of you know that i'm headed to LA around this time next month (which is fantastic...considering it's going to directly coincide with next month's time o' the month...fuck...more on that in a bit). anyway, set up for the show is on the 17th, i'm hoping to catch up with some friends on the 16th, shop a little (i'll buy my bday present for ME out there because, of course, there Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-26199014328920954922007-09-21T14:53:00.000-05:002007-09-21T15:18:30.753-05:00yeah i know. i haven't been good about posting stuff in a reallllly long time. school's started, i started with some super fun in the hospital (i'm ok now)...i'm teaching a class that will probably get me fired (but, damn...i'd rather go out with a whole load of controversy. :) oh what's the class on? game design...with subthemes of sex and disability accessibility. maybe that doesn't seem all Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-89491607229803997752007-08-26T15:19:00.000-05:002007-08-26T16:06:39.413-05:00school's back in session and it's always hard for me to really feel like it's a school year until it's some time in october and it's not 100+ outside with 1000% humidity and you feel like you are going to pass out at any minute.oh...i have so much work to do and i need a vacation badly so hopefully i'll get to experience something that feels like a vacation while at the austin game dev conf in a Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-85812126706459414362007-08-20T17:38:00.000-05:002007-08-20T17:40:55.860-05:00i cannot remember a more fucked up summer.Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-17631539081993579102007-06-17T14:57:00.000-05:002007-06-17T15:08:51.526-05:00hahahahahahaanyway...back from ann arbor and things don't look good at all but it's not me...this time. after losing so many friends in my 20s to cancer, accidents, strokes, aids, and much, much more...it's weird to revisit it all. hospitals don't scare me...they scare my dad but that has to do more with his psycho mother. i'm not sure death does either. but it seems like there's still so much Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-89232959875901869442007-06-08T21:21:00.000-05:002007-06-08T21:34:43.011-05:00who could see that she'd go in for something seemingly every day and end up way up stage and undergoing chemo? who could know that i could go in feeling heartbroken that the treatment wasn't working to leave knowing that my heart's really broken? why did we all have to grow up? or...maybe that's it. we haven't yet...we were just supposed to and time never did stop.Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-11754124819144862272007-06-07T19:06:00.000-05:002007-06-07T21:10:05.619-05:00due to the technology graveyard that is our apartment, the only thing working is the mac mini...through a secondary drive because the mini (oh happy mac) can't see it's own hard drive...rrrr....anyway...day 20 of 23 of the danazol trial and it would be REALLY AWESOME if the doctor could call back with WHAT THE FUCK i'm supposed to do next...and god...i'm sick of vaginal suppositories. yeah, i Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-21254644648164786632007-05-29T23:20:00.000-05:002007-06-06T22:50:19.715-05:00almost a month passed by and so much has changed and the danazol makes me cry 30 times a day and i feel like may was the biggest waste of time ever -- obviously...no blogging here at all. i did some blogging over at terra nova and that was pretty much a disaster. then who knows where the panic attacks came from...and then i feel like i don't have a right to really say anything because well, shit,Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-8197639296068057942007-04-28T15:18:00.000-05:002007-04-28T18:57:05.168-05:00too much to write but i've landed on a good idea...to pretend that i'm giving the long form of my accessibility talk and write it down as is...dissertation by powerpoint...something like that. at any rate...i'm writing at least.i think i forgot to say that it was the 6th anniversary of my blog recently, which is even more depressing when you think back to all the years...but i can't think of thatMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-30651255942751791742007-04-23T15:59:00.000-05:002007-04-23T16:08:48.791-05:00it's hard to know what to say about last week other than to think that it was not really real and to remember thinking that each day took about a week to get through. and this week? kidney infection #3 -- third in three months -- and i'm wondering what the fuck is up with that, should i be worried, etc etc etc. so this is the THIRD antibiotic i've been on to try to clear this up and this one is Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-74881290088393555892007-04-17T05:37:00.000-05:002007-04-17T06:01:55.066-05:00local abc news caught me at the office earlier when i was pretty much there solely to avoid hearing any more of the news of vt...by that time it was just the same endless loop over and over and over again...i never bothered to watch the news...who cares if i was on it or not. i was simply their "local perspective/wow there's someone in this town who went to VT" go-to girl and i've gotta say...i'mMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-84260388939756089262007-04-13T14:08:00.000-05:002007-04-13T14:14:14.186-05:00oh yeah...i was in an article in the chicago tribune the other day (if you can't access it with the link, search with my last name and avoid the articles about the "hinn" that isn't my relative who is apparently getting medical treatment somewhere in south africa and is getting flack for it...not sure why but i don't care that much to add any more to the story in my brain or on the blog).and evenMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-45159619104426388292007-04-11T13:50:00.000-05:002007-04-11T14:47:47.352-05:00maybe the way this was all supposed to work was because we were in the same situation in so many ways and were the only ones who really could relate to it and neither expected anything from it...it always reminds me of that book, age of innocence...only this time it takes place later, much later...and none were wayward stations...Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-91790467135156486872007-04-05T13:15:00.000-05:002007-04-05T13:20:59.099-05:00attention non-us readers -- do you know of any health clinics in your country that uses RU-486 for non-abortion uses? there are many studies that suggest that the RU-486 in low dosages can be a miracle for people like me with endometriosis. but...thanks to this damn country's puritan laws, we can hardly get it for abortion and you literally have to be dying (with "end of life" date on the books) Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-81412448136765627822007-04-04T20:44:00.000-05:002007-04-05T12:10:26.819-05:00i ran into s at mckinley and i told her that whatever she chooses to do, do NOT feel that you'd be letting me down if you took the job...i hate the madness, the mad world...all around me are familiar facesworn out places, worn out facesbright and early for their daily racesgoing nowhere, going nowhereand their tears are filling up their glassesno expression, no expressionhide my head i want to Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-39478648655561088532007-03-22T13:00:00.000-05:002007-03-22T13:30:06.711-05:00i can't get used to the idea that after the break is over, i'll still be on break...because i've been terminated, sacked, fired, and so forth. the thing that makes me the most sad is that i'd wanted to go out with some dignity, with some kind of "hey, thanks for all that time and all those things." it would have meant a lot to me. but it's not going to happen...burn out rather than fade away.i Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-60728384576754991312007-03-22T03:23:00.000-05:002007-03-22T03:27:53.807-05:00right about now the londoners are getting ready to visit IBM, which took forever and a day to set up. it's true...i would have been in bed 24/7 had i gone on the trip but what can you do? and i have only a couple more days to move out of my office...wheeeeeee!and it's 3:30am and i'm awake.Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-8961892571372481752007-03-21T17:34:00.000-05:002007-03-21T18:14:10.268-05:00the main trouble is that i'm starting to lose my faith in the world...not that i really had a lot but i'd thought that i'd found some pockets of humanity only to see it turn around and hit me in the face...cold hard slap to remind me that things are often an illusion and the ones you trust the most can be the first to strike you down.no, i'm not just talking about all the ugliness going on with Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-51521522138119007862007-03-18T20:38:00.000-05:002007-03-18T20:41:07.163-05:00t-minus any minute now for the next episode of ER...reality edition. nausea, doubled over in pain...get some food into me now now now...i wrote a letter for the ER staff because i'm sick of saying the same thing every month. maybe they'll read it. maybe they'll see that i'm not a completely worthless piece of shit like they usually do...sigh.Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-67959714037568527672007-03-17T18:25:00.000-05:002007-03-17T18:28:59.813-05:00and now you too...i just need to go away for a little while. i don't know where to. just away. get on a train to somewhere, get on a plane...somewhere. because i can't see which way the surface is anymore...i should just shut up and disappear for a little while. just disappear. will i ever find my way out? don't answer that. i shouldn't ask anymore...Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-19640312059399923242007-03-17T15:50:00.001-05:002007-03-17T15:50:13.973-05:00back in the office...today or tomorrow I get to go to the er...but for now...write write write ...Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-34690914534954287702007-03-17T14:42:00.000-05:002007-03-17T15:40:24.255-05:00so i just walked to starbucks from my office and got the usual cappuccino and cupcake breakfast/lunch and i've been processing things and it seems that it might be quite possible that i have a serious reason for traveling back and forth between ireland and here in the fall but that's almost hilarious at this point considering how many things have imploded lately. actually...how many things have Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-88546505631874037302007-03-16T19:23:00.000-05:002007-03-16T20:37:44.449-05:00hahahahaha...illinois? YOU SUCK!!!!!! hahahahahaha! VTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVT!!! VT JUST SPANKED YOUR WORTHLESS ASSES...IN BASKETBALL! SUCK IT! Especially YOU, UIUC Administration!!!! ROT IN HELL!HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA Weeeeeeeee....Yeah, time to bring out the meds...Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-79397163712502658382007-03-16T16:39:00.000-05:002007-03-16T16:58:16.482-05:00the pain starts again, just as i predicted. i knew it was coming up, i knew a week ago that the change was coming again. live through this. i know. if i can live through the next few days of excruciating pain then it will break again. i don't know how many more times i can do this but i guess it's safe to say that i know that if i can just get past it...it will go away again...for at least a Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-29283274687289128902007-03-15T16:43:00.000-05:002007-03-15T17:16:27.513-05:00any minute now and i'll need to go in for the monthly shot now that it's started again. c said that i woke him up last night to say "oh my god! virginia tech is playing illinois in basketball this friday!!!! my undergrad versus grad school!!!!" which is hilarious if you consider how much i hate both places and then after he told me this morning i said "whoa...you know dr. b's gonna say...evil Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-1634934983756269332007-03-14T20:09:00.000-05:002007-03-14T20:10:06.463-05:00ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!i'm going to kill the universe right now.Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-7075375739865186882007-03-13T18:41:00.000-05:002007-03-13T18:48:45.044-05:00exhausted. attacked.i know a lot of it is my stuff, as dr. b says. but on the other hand...what the fuck? my right arm is sprained, my kidneys are on fire, i can't wake up to save my life...and when i do for a few minutes it's only to awake to a whole slew of crap from all directions. how the FUCK am i going to live through london? god...at least it feels like home. and i hope you cry when you Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-50165155753452620472007-02-20T17:55:00.000-06:002007-02-20T19:08:08.809-06:001, 3...stab with running start...2...slow injection, pain and the advise to get a regular doctor: "i'd suggest looking into getting a regular obgyn if this pain keeps happening every month." yeah? i'd suggest getting a new job. out of town is no longer an option and everything's turned into a great big theatre of the absurd with plastic bag licking ladies at the pharmacy, extended families in theMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-80332528244360166062007-02-14T13:26:00.001-06:002007-02-20T17:55:38.091-06:00snow blocking my door...fucking winter...Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-64584819986280980022007-02-06T11:47:00.001-06:002007-02-06T20:12:35.917-06:00pin cushionthat's what i am every week, only i do it voluntarily...Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-42216705091789777512007-02-03T14:29:00.001-06:002007-02-06T20:11:38.509-06:00workwtf, i was there past midnight friday to arrive early saturday to see the door window smashed in an it turns out it was a homeless man they arrested for trying to enter because it is unfuckingbelievably cold out and, you know, who could really get all that mad? it just sucks ass that we don't have any super great shelters...or even enough shelters...Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-60974801656017328692007-02-02T18:13:00.000-06:002007-02-02T19:52:26.311-06:00Whenever I hear the word “dissertation” I think “expertise,” whether that is right or wrong (does it matter?). I’ve struggled for a long while now as to how to fit a dissertation – a dissertation that was in my own voice, that was focused on something that I felt that I had a handle on or, god, even just barely hanging on to – into a gaming/ludology literature that is constantly shifting and Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-80479674368374675592007-02-02T13:43:00.000-06:002007-02-02T15:56:09.310-06:00christ.Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-10729939904794474892007-02-01T17:20:00.000-06:002007-02-01T17:27:08.171-06:00at some point, can something, anything be forgiven? i feel like a crook, i feel like a defrauder...i feel like throwing up. not that i haven't been lately. pneumonia and then the pain day all criss-crossed into several magical ER visits and i feel like screaming to the world "OK I GET IT. I FUCKED UP. BUT DO YOU NEED TO REMIND ME OF THAT EVERY 15 MINUTES VIA EMAIL?????"yes...it's the registrationMichelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-74159165305752717932007-01-25T11:37:00.000-06:002007-01-25T11:48:19.681-06:00ok i get it. i've completely fucked up in every way, i was stalin in the last life, i don't deserve healthcare and my own father said that "healthcare isn't for people like you who don't contribute to society" thus not even attempting to help me out, even in the form of a loan at 5 trillion percent interest.i get it. i get that everyone's job on the whole planet is in jeopardy because i cannot Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-23508843086764035242007-01-19T20:02:00.000-06:002007-01-19T20:19:47.267-06:00so am i a secret bitch? i have no idea what i mean by that but i'm sure it has something to do with the inner rage he says would kill a normal person...yeah, back to that inner rage thing. the thing is i really don't like rules...which has a lot to do with my dissertation...maybe if i figure that out, i'll figure out the bigger issue beyond the game.i do seethe with rage when i think of the new Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-17313686299810881962007-01-18T18:30:00.000-06:002007-01-19T19:41:43.365-06:0048 hour test, worth a shot i guess and if jesse can make a move forward then so can i, right? i can do this, right?Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-10017589560326881942007-01-17T16:05:00.000-06:002007-01-17T16:12:55.639-06:00who do you believe? i mean who do you believe in the end? the person who says, wow, yeah, things are fucked up so let's do this or the person who says i can't believe things are as fucked up as you say so let's do this to see if they are really all that fucked up? then...non-invasive and much less expensive or invasive and much more expensive?and on another note...is it fucked up to realize that Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-66450626560731500102007-01-16T17:02:00.000-06:002007-01-16T17:46:51.831-06:00i'm tired.seriously i am. spine out of alignment, stars out of alignment, mind out of alignment, realizing that not leaving isn't the same as staying, wondering if you have to like the road you'll have to take in order to want to arrive at the destination? suicide thesis is the new band in town and there's nothing that can give me comfort, even if it were simply served cold like revenge at the Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-63416995604930267042007-01-13T16:26:00.000-06:002007-01-13T16:40:11.694-06:00this new google blogger shit is driving me insane.anyway...school starts back up tuesday so i've got a lot to do still to prep for the classes i teach...and much to do in so many areas...the study abroad crap is getting there. most of my annoyance is in the amount of work i've had to do on the passport/visa/travel stuff while i was supposed to only be working on the academic side of things. i've Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-833528.post-19337820419094714722007-01-08T16:25:00.000-06:002007-01-08T16:35:55.862-06:00it WAS kinda hilarious, actually, to see the lunesta ads that were shown during the breaks between that new grease reality show as if anyone watching were still awake. i mean, i have NEVER watched the whole american idol process but i think it's pretty similar...i mean could they have found MORE boring hosts? now i know what NOT to do during GDC...heh. speaking of...in the latest game dev mag, Michelle Hinnnoreply@blogger.com0