i'm embarassed to admit to this but i have to have one of those pill counters so that i remember that, yes, i took the damn p/w/e this morning. sometimes it doesn't help...i still remember to take it much later than i should and i remember in the middle of that night calling c to bring me the bag because i was starting to get the shakes and i wonder if it's because i went past the halflife or if it had more to do with the fact that i was up for so many hours running on sugar and coffee and manic and full of panicked reaction, reacting...reacting.

chip had a good point this morning though. he often makes many good points and one of my earlist posts on this blog is in fact a quote that he wrote back in the very beginnings of this dissertation, uh, journey. ugh. that word "journey" was so boring but i could think of anything else at the moment. anyway, i guess we can call it a journey because it's had enough lost baggage found and rerouted flights and trains and misread directions and listening to people who i thought knew better but then i remember that i've never been very good listening to authority. even in those times where i find that i am the authority. especially those times. and i lie frozen in place and i can't get warm and i can't hide and i can't be found.

so anyway back to the topic...or a topic...i threw out my entire schedule yesterday except the faculty dinner last night -- which was actually quite useful for me surprisingly -- because i knew my students were going to flunk their exam on thursday if i didn't, yes, take a stand and do something to make sure that they knew the material that they needed to know...and so chip and i didn't meet. and i blew off my appt with dr b monday and last thursday...thursday because it was the beginning of the exam nightmare and i talked right through it...monday due to panic attacks. chip emails me back this morning with this:you're very good about caring for others. i would never want to see you change that. but you also need to remember to find time to work toward your own goals, and not let others wreck your schedule (more than occasionally!). remember that you're doing a lot for your students and wimse's when
you show them how to accomplish challenging tasks (like dissertations) and to stay happy doing it. you also have others (research directors, committee members, ...) who care very much for you and your work, so that what you accomplish serves them as well. yeah...i never thought about that bit about showing people how to accomplish challenging tasks in the midst of all the chaos all around us. and that may be the first time...actually it is the first time...since i came to this place where a faculty member, boss, supervisor, provost, whatever other titled people i've come into contact with at this university has said anything to me like "hey, btw, we do care for you." caring for me?

and that's it, isn't it, dr. b? all those years of accommodation...that's it, isn't it? i don't know how to be cared about. time to let go, huh?